Happy

Beginning at the end of March I started to feel like I wanted to be happy again.  I hadn't been able to feel that way before because of how deeply I was missing Sheldon and Jace.  The year mark was tough.  I'm not going to diminish that in any way.  I made a video of our pictures and home videos to music and while watching it with family and friends I sobbed and sobbed and wondered if I would ever be able to live through this.  I miss them so deeply.  A few weeks after the year mark, I started to feel like I was actually happy.  I was feeling so much gratitude for my job, my family, my friends, and that I was starting to feel like I was actually living a life instead of just going through the motions.

I met the most amazing man.  His name is Jon.  Last Thursday night he proposed!  We are engaged and will be married this summer.  He has two children who I will be a step mom to!  They are adorable girls.  It's all happened so quickly, but I am so certain this is right.  I am so thankful to feel that I can love that way again and be a wife and a mother.  I am almost in a state of shock that this happened so quickly, but so grateful to Heavenly Father for giving me this blessing.  I do feel it is a blessing to feel happy again.  I am so happy.  I am so thankful to feel that way and to feel like I can live more normally.  The past year wasn't really living.  It was enduring.  I am thankful to smile and to laugh.  I am thankful for Sheldon and Jace and our life together.  I am thankful for this new life I am starting with Jon and his girls.  I am so looking forward to starting this new part of my life with him and all the excitement that comes with getting married.

Here's a sneak peak of our engagement pictures.  I might be starting a new blog soon too.  ;)

4th Birthday

Happy 4th Birthday little Jace.  I miss you and love you.

"I am a child of God and He has called me home.
My earthly journey's through but still, I do not walk alone.
He leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way.
He welcomed me with open arms, I live with Him today.

I am a child of God and I have gone ahead.
My earthly life was brief but oh, such peace and love you gave.
You loved me, held me, stood beside me and though I cannot stay.
You gave me so much to help me and I live with Him today.

I am a child of God and I will wait for you.
Celestial glory shall be ours, if you can but endure.
I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you. Help you find the way.
I'll welcome you with open arms, one bright Celestial day."
--Donna Kulliard.

13 Months

Tomorrow it will be 13 months since the accident.  In some ways it feels like so long and in other ways it seems like I just said goodbye to them.  This has been a tough 13 months.  I lived a year and a month without my family.  I'm not sure how well I did, but I lived through it when a lot of times I didn't think I could stand it another minute.  Being separated from them is so difficult.  Having everything taken away in an hour has caused me to reflect and dig deep to find out who I am truly am.  I know that I am a daughter of God.  I know that I am a wife to an amazing man and the mother to the sweetest little boy.  I am so grateful that the separation is only temporary.  I believe that I will be with them again and that all that was taken away will be given back to me if I can endure this faithfully.  My testimony has wavered at times, but I always come back to the feelings of comfort and peace I feel that I know is the Holy Ghost testifying to me that it is true.  I know that God lives and He loves us.  I know he loves me.  I know that my trial, my cross to bear, is a heavy burden.  I'm not sure why our family was chosen for this trial, but I feel more resolved than ever to live up to and meet this with faith, hope, and charity.  I have so much to improve upon with myself. I am very far from being the person I know I can be, but I will keep trying and keep moving forward every day of my life.

For a long time this year I have been very scared of being alone and without a husband.  It makes me break down in tears thinking of myself as an old woman, being alone, looking at the pictures of my family.  That seems so lonely and represents so many years of living without that happiness that I had with Sheldon and Jace.  I think I rushed into dating too quickly because of that.  I am grateful for the men I have dated and how I have learned more about myself with spending time with each one of them.  I finally realized that I am content with the fact that I might never get remarried.  I might not have that blessing again.  When I think back on the single sisters I know, I think of some of the most righteous, kind, compassionate  and long-suffering women I know.  To me, this life is about perfecting ourselves, learning from our mistakes, and continuing forward on the journey with a smile.  I am trying to do that every day and whether that happens with me living a single life or with a spouse, I am trusting in God's plan for my life.  I have to.  

Trusting in God's plan is the only way I can make sense of what happened to our family.  I love Helaman 5:12.  That is one of my favorite scriptures.  "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."  I am so grateful for our Savior and what He has done for each one of us and what that means for me and my family.

As I was driving home, I was thinking about the last week we had together.  Monday night we went to Chuck E. Cheese and the mall.  Tuesday night I had a meeting at the church and Sheldon was at the house with Jace, Wednesday night we took Jace to the church since we both had callings with the youth (Jace got to come to some of those nights if we didn't have a babysitter), Thursday night I went to the Relief Society birthday party and took Jace so he could play with his friends in the nursery, and Friday night we had a nice family dinner and a movie night.  We spent all of our time together that week except for church and work responsibilities   That was how our life was, and I am so grateful.  I miss them so much.  I miss that life.  I am trying every day to find happiness in the life I am living now, and I think that will be something that will be ongoing for a very long time.

I do feel happy.  Some days I am able to smile more than others.  Some days I am able to count my blessings and feel so much gratitude.  Some days I pray and I feel so much love and comfort.  Some days are just tough and filled with great sorrow and longing. It's a continual process.  I am trying every day to feel the spirit.  It makes my day so much better.  Thirteen months later, I can say that I have never been stretched so much, I have never felt such pain and sadness, and I am learning every day how to put one foot in front of the other.  I have a beautiful family and I thank God every day for how blessed I am to be part of it.  I love you Sheldon and Jace.   

 

John 14:18-19

x2

Jace was born in June of 2009.  Almost all of the holidays we were able to celebrate three of them with Jace.  We celebrated three Halloweens together and three Christmases together.  Easter and Jace's birthday make me feel so sad because we only had two of them together as a family.  The last Easter I celebrated with my family was in 2011.  Jace was almost two and we had so much fun hiding eggs for him to find.  After he found them all he asked to play it again.  We spent the next few weeks playing the hide the Easter egg game.  He didn't really mind that there wasn't anything in them.  My heart aches for the life we didn't get to live together.  I know we would have had such a fun Easter with Jace at Lake Limerick.  We would have had a great summer too.  I miss just being with my family and having fun together.  Jace and I were always going on little adventures and we were even more excited if Sheldon could join us for them.

It's tough knowing it will be two Easters without them.  For a long time I felt so sad thinking about our memories together, but I finally decided I am not sad about our memories.  I am so incredibly thankful for them and what they mean to me.  I am so thankful that I took so many pictures and that I have a husband and a son who I was able to live such a happy life with.  I feel them close often, and I am so thankful for that.  I miss not living my life now with them and all that we had together.

This might sound crazy, but I have been avoiding the grocery store at all costs.  Every time I go in there I get so sad that I am shopping just for me.  I used to plan out the meals for the month and make out weekly shopping lists.  I made dinner for Sheldon and Jace every night.  I loved taking care of them and having our family sit down together for a meal.  I loved it when Sheldon was finally home and we could all be together.  Those are moments that are so dear to me.  The other day I actually planned out what I wanted to make for meals, went to the grocery store and made it through without being too sad.  That might sound very simple, but to me it was a step showing that I am becoming more like myself again.  A year later, I am finally able to do that.

I'm starting to experience the second time around with holidays and life without Sheldon and Jace.  The second time hurts just as much as the first.  I think I am more equipped to deal with it though.  That ache and missing them will never go away.  It is always there but that desire to live a more full life, one where I can be happy and feel more like myself is there too though.  I hope I can keep doing things to move forward.

Happy Easter Sheldon and Jace.  I am so thankful for our Savior and what that means for our family.

A year has come and gone

A year has come and gone.  In some ways I still can't believe it.  The last few months I have started to feel more like myself again, more like the woman I used to be.  I like that parts of my personality are coming back and that I can start to define myself again.  I feel like I didn't really live this year.  I endured this year.  I spent many many moments crying and almost functioning without thinking, just going through the motions.  Sometimes when I think about how I don't have my husband and son anymore, I can't even begin to understand how to make it through this.  Honestly, there were many moments when I begged Heavenly Father not to make me go through this anymore.  I felt like it would be merciful if I too could join my family.  I have never wanted to die, but knowing where my family is makes me so anxious to join them.  Choosing to live this life has been so hard.  I don't want this life, but I am living it.  I am trying to find happiness where I can and gratitude for my blessings.  I am truly learning to accept God's will in my life.  That has been a struggle for me this whole year.

My testimony has never been challenged so much and yet it has never been stronger.  I know that what I believe is true.  I know that there is a Savior who came to this earth and who died for us that all mankind can live again.  I know that I will see them again.  I know that we will be reunited with our loved ones who have passed on, and that because of our Savior, we will live again.  I know that our Heavenly Father loves and knows each one of us and that by putting our trust in Him we can endure any trial or test that is put before us.  I know that we are here to experience those trials and tests and that if we endure them well we will have eternal life.

I listen to church music in the morning when I get ready for work.  I listen to the scriptures on tape when I drive to work and I read them again at night.  I start each morning and end each night with a prayer.  I am striving to feel the Holy Ghost every day.  Those moments when I feel love and peace are the moments I strive for.  I feel such a contrasting difference when I feel despair and lack of hope.  I think often about faith, hope, and charity.  I know that is the way to return to my family again.  I go back and forth between having those qualities, but I really am striving to live my life daily where I can have faith in God's plan for me, hope for my life and the time when I can hold my family again, and charity for others who are in need.  I am striving for that everyday.  It is not easy by any stretch.  Everyday it is a choice, a continual choice.

The year mark was very tough.  I was with family and friends so it actually made that day very special.  We ran a 10k in their memory and spent the day doing things my family would have done.  We went to an indoor bounce house in memory of Jace and his love to play.  We went to a buffet in memory of Sheldon and his favorite way to eat.  We watched a DVD tribute to their lives and released balloons.  I felt so much love from everybody.  I loved getting on Facebook and my email to see all the messages from my family, friends and even strangers who I have never met.  I loved the flowers and gifts and all of the sweet birthday cards that were sent in the mail.  I loved that we were celebrating my family on my birthday.  That is how I would want to celebrate my birthday.  I thought for a long time how terrible it was that they passed away on my birthday, but I actually feel grateful to have so many remembering them on my birthday.  That is the best gift anyone could give me.

I feel like the week after my birthday was the hardest.  That feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me as I thought about what my week would have been like with my family.  I hate being alone.  I hate not having Sheldon to talk to and Jace to play with.  I hate not having them right next to me.  I hate that I didn't get to celebrate with them.  Sheldon was planning such a fun birthday celebration for me last year that never happened.  We were going to go to the Great Wolf Lodge and spend two days at the indoor water park.  I want that life back.  I want to go back a year ago and be with them there.  We found my birthday cake in Sheldon's car last year that he had bought for me.  I found the blank birthday card he never filled out that he had bought for me.  Instead of so much fun together, our family experienced the most traumatic events possible.   A year later, I am still learning how to live this life without them.  I miss my family.  I miss them and I love them.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me this year.  Thank you for the donations, the kindness, the service, the gifts, the kind messages, the prayers, and your love.  Thank you for allowing me to see Christ like attributes and the goodness in life.  Thank you.  I could not have made it through this year without my family, friends, and strangers supporting me.

With love and gratitude,

Julie

  

Madison Wallace

The Wallace Family tragically lost their 16 year-old daughter, Madison, on Thursday. Madison's father is good friends with Sheldon's brother. I am very saddened to learn about this and the loss of their sweet daughter.  She died trying to save her brother who fell into a freezing cold river.  Her body was recovered, but they are still searching for a bystander who also came to assist in the rescue effort.  

Please pray for them and donate if possible.  They are in need of help with funeral expenses.   

http://www.madisonwallacefund.com/

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2293901/Two-missing-jumping-icy-Big-Sioux-River-save-drowning-boy-6.html

One Year

I was dreading yesterday and that it would be March again.  It's very hard for me to wrap my head around that it has been almost a year.  I miss them so deeply.  We only had 17 days together last March.  On my birthday, I kissed them goodbye one last time.  I didn't know that would be our last goodbye.  I would have held them and never let go if I would have had any idea the events that were to follow.

This year has been the most difficult that I have ever had to live through.  In some ways I feel so grateful that I did make it through this year.  There were some days, when I didn't know if that was possible. I  remember many times being curled in a ball sobbing with such sorrow, that I didn't feel I could possibly get back up again.  I have gone through so many emotions.  I have felt such deep sorrow, pain, remorse, guilt, sadness, and longing and yet I have also felt such sweet feelings of love and comfort.  I have replayed our last minutes, hours, days, weeks months, and years together.  As I have thought about our life together, my heart is so full of gratitude for the amazing journey that we experienced.  I remember the kisses and the embraces and the happiness of being in the arms of my little family.  I remember laughing and smiling with them.  I am so thankful for those memories.  I am so thankful for a son and a husband that I know I will be reunited with one day.

I think Sheldon and Jace are proud of me for making it through this year.  I know I have felt them close to me and I know that they are very close to me, probably more than I know.  I love them.  I pray everyday for them and how thankful I am for them.  The other day I had the thought that the best thing I can give them is to try and live truly happy, to try and have joy again.  I know they want that for me.  I have been able to smile and to laugh and it feels good.  Sheldon was always a jokster and he made me laugh everyday.  He was always up to something and I loved that about him.  That was one of the reasons I fell in love with him.  He was kind, he was thoughtful, and I can only remember a few times him ever saying anything critical of me.

Our little Jace was a perfect little boy.  He had the most tender spirit about him and he brought us so much happiness.  This year was supposed to be filled with our adventures and I was looking forward to him starting preschool and for all the fun that would come with it.  Jace loved his little friends and I know that he would have loved going to school.  I have been watching his cousin this year, who is only a few months older than Jace, and seeing all of the milestones that Jace missed.  That is tough.  Jace would have been started  Sunbeams in church and seeing the little Sunbeam classes at church always brings tears to my eyes.  The life that I didn't get to watch him live, is heartbreaking.  Sheldon would have been on his second year of being an optometrist.  We were hoping to adopt another child and were starting to look at houses to buy.  Our life together was everything I wanted and more.  I was devoted to our family in every way and having that taken from me is something that I am trying to learn to cope with.

This year I think I have made good strides with coping and I do feel that I have much more clarity today than I did even a month ago.  Each new day brings new realizations that I can be happy.  I have decided that being happy is truly a choice.  I am choosing that.  This year I moved to Las Vegas, I started teaching, continued working on my master's degree, and I have met some amazing people and continue to be so grateful for my family and friends who have supported me this year.  I have started dating too.  I don't want to spend this life alone and I don't feel that is God's plan for me.  I am very hopeful for a future where I get to share my love with someone as a wife and also share that love again as a mother.

The weekend of the 17th I will be with family.  We will remember the lives of my husband and son.  I love you dearly and forever Sheldon and Jace.    

Eleven Months

It's really tough to realize that almost one year has passed.  I don't like it being so long.  I don't like that I haven't been able to talk Sheldon for eleven months.  I miss him and that companionship.  I miss taking care of little Jace and hugging him.  I miss helping him brush his teeth and his sweet kisses.  I miss everything about them.  It's hard to accept this new path.  I'm trying.

I've been listening to scriptures on my car ride to work and I have found a lot of comfort in listening to Mosiah in the Book of Mormon.  I especially liked Mosiah 15.  King Benjamin is speaking about our Savior and how he has overcome death for us and how little children are guaranteed everlasting life.  When I was listening, a sweet feeling of peace and comfort came over me as I thought of my little Jace and how thankful I am that he will receive that gift.  I am thankful for comforting moments like that because I mourn so deeply for our little boy and the life he didn't live.  I mourn the loss of being a mother and a wife on this earth.  That cuts so deeply to my core that sometimes it's hard to breathe.

That deep mourning has also come with moments when I have felt such peace and comfort from the spirit.  I do feel that Heavenly Father is aware of me and He loves me.  I have not been left alone.  I am so thankful for prayer and scripture study.  I am so thankful for the temple.  I am so thankful for the knowledge I have of the gospel and for eternal families.

I am thankful for my education.  This is my seventh year of teaching school.  I really never expected to teach school that long.  We were married for six and a half years before Jace came to our family and I taught school during that time.  I was able to help support Sheldon through optometry school.  The last three years of our marriage I was able to be a stay-at-home mom.  To me that was a blessing that I never did take for granted.  Of course there were moments when I lost my patience or was frustrated, but I was always able to keep it in perspective of what a tremendous blessing Jace was to us.  Those years were very happy.

I just talked to Jace's birthmom a few days ago.  I love her so much and it really does bring me happiness that she is doing so well.  Her birthday is next month too.  Last fall I was able to attend her sealing to her husband in the Portland Temple.  They were sealed in the same sealing room that Jace was sealed to us in.  During the sealing I was imagining little Jace sitting on her lap and giving her a kiss and then running over to me and giving me kisses too.  I was remembering my little family in that room and what an important day that was for our family.  I am thankful I was able to watch Jace's birthmom start on that new journey with her spouse and remember our own sealing.  I am so thankful for those moments because they help me to remember that this sadness and longing is only temporary.  There are many more moments like that to experience and I am looking forward to them.

Sheldon, I love you.  I miss you.  Please give hugs and kisses to our sweet boy.



      

The Rock of our Redeemer

Today in church these two verses really stood out to me during Sacrament Meeting:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8-9

“And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.”  Helaman 5:12

The meeting was about enduring and agency.  I felt so uplifted after taking the Sacrament.   I love the feeling of knowing that I am renewing that covenant with my Father in Heaven and promising to keep His commandment and remember Him.  I always feel stronger after taking the Sacrament and I am so full of gratitude for our Savior and His sacrifice for us.  I was thinking about if Sheldon and Jace have met Jesus yet.  That might be a weird thing to think about but I really was contemplating that out of all the people in the world that our Savior knows each one of us and what that would be like to be able to meet Him.  I was hoping that they have met Him.  I was wondering what it will be like when I meet my Savior.  I want to be worthy and clean.  I want to kneel at his feet and thank Him for what He has done for me and for my family.  I am so thankful that because of His sacrifice that we can be resurrected and live again.  I am so thankful for repentance and the opportunity to make commitments each Sunday to live my life better, to strive a little harder, and to keep His commandments. 

I think the versus really stood out to me because I realize that I am so far from understanding or even comprehending why this has to be for our family, why I have to be here and they are not, why I have to live through this.  I realize that I probably will never know.  But I do not want to waste this life.  I want to prove that I can make it through this trial of not being with them.  I want to prove that I do trust in God and His path for me and my family.  I will continue to take strength from my Savior and have Him as my foundation and my rock.  I am so thankful for my testimony.  I couldn't have gotten through these ten months without it. 

I love you Sheldon and Jace. 

Almost a Year

I can't believe that almost a year has passed since I lost them.  I miss Sheldon and Jace every second of every day.  There are always constant reminders of them and I am always thinking about them.  I think they are probably always thinking about me too.  Today I feel so full of gratitude.  I feel so blessed that I had such a wonderful decade with an amazing man.  I feel so blessed I was able to be a mother to our little Jace.  I feel so blessed to be part of an eternal family and for the sealing promises.  I can't wait to hold them again.

The last ten months have really been a blur.  I can only remember parts of this last year and the rest seems like endless days of crying and sadness.  The other day one of my students asked me to help him untie a knot in his shoelace.  It made me feel like crying thinking about how much I wish I was doing that for Jace.  I think everyday how much I miss taking care of them.  I miss all of it.  I have such a longing in my heart and a tremendous ache to be with them again.  I miss being in Sheldon's arms.  I miss talking to him and laughing with him.  I miss him.

I have been trying to live a new life.  This last year I moved into my own place, started teaching again, have been working on my master's program, ran a marathon, and I have also started dating.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  My natural instinct is to stay in my bed and never get out.  I fight that everyday.  I really could stay there everyday and never get out.  I start everyday listening to church music or conference talks and with a prayer.  I listen to the scriptures when I am driving to work.  I try to have positive self-talk.  It's not easy.  Some days it works and other days I am a mess.  Some days I am strong and some days I can't even fathom how to live through this.  I really miss being happy.  I am normally a very happy person and not having that has been so hard.  I want to feel happy.  I want to feel joy.  I think Sheldon and Jace want that for me too.

I decided to set a goal to run another marathon.  My friend, Heather, and I are going to try to get into the St. George Marathon in the fall.  I'm looking forward to more running and more healing.

I love you Sheldon and Jace.

Lucky Dog

Lucky was our Basset Hound that Sheldon gave to me the second year we were married.  Our second Christmas he gave me a coupon saying I could pick out any dog that I wanted.  I picked out Lucky and he was with us for most of our marriage.  We took Lucky from Utah to Oregon and then to Washington.  We even managed to keep him during our year long rotations thanks to family helpers.  In 2011 Lucky got a lump on his paw that was cancerous.  We decided to keep him around as long as he seemed happy and could function normally.  I was sad to see our dog get sick and could see that walking was getting more and more difficult.

Jace loved his doggy.  Jace and Lucky were buddies.  Jace didn't know how to whistle, but he would always do a pretend whistle and hit his hands on his thighs to try and get Lucky to come to him.  When Jace was a baby he learned very quickly how fun it was to throw his food to Lucky and that was a constant power struggle we had for a long time.  :)  As Jace got older he learned to keep his food from Lucky because he didn't want it snatched away.  We loved our Lucky dog.  He was part of our family for almost as long as we were together.  I knew Lucky was very sick and after the funeral I just didn't think I could handle watching Lucky die too.  Sheldon's cousin's family took Lucky and he spent his last few months with a little boy who loved him as much as Jace did.  Lucky had to be put down because his cancer spread to his other paws.  I'm grateful I didn't have to make that decision and that I can remember our Jace and his doggy, Lucky, running and playing together.  I think they probably still are.  

Disney World Marathon

It has been ten months since I lost Sheldon and Jace.  The ache is still there as strong as ever to see them, to hold them, to be with them.  The other day I was remembering Jace's little hands and I can even remember exactly how they look.  I was missing touching Sheldon's face and seeing him smile at me.  I miss everything about not having them here with me.  Saying goodbye has been heart wrenching.  I never thought I would have to experience anything like this in my life.  But I do, and I have to.  Earlier this year I decided to run a marathon in honor of Sheldon and Jace.  We loved Disneyland.  Sheldon and I went there on our honeymoon and at least once a year before Jace was born and we took Jace twice.  We were planning on going to Disney World in the fall of 2012 and Sheldon had asked me to start training for a marathon with him.  My sister told me about the Disney World Marathon and I knew this was something that I needed to do.  

With the support of my family and friends, I was able to run that marathon.  My best friend, Heather, and my sister Melanie ran with me.  All three of us completed the marathon.  I was able to talk quite a bit of people to come to Florida and be part of that experience.  I am so grateful they came and that I could look around and see that I am not really alone in this.  It often feels like I am alone, but I know that there are so many people who love and support me.  I am so grateful.  I could not have gotten through these ten months without each and everyone of them cheering me on.  My heart is full of love for my little family and that there are so many around me helping me through this.  I love you Sheldon and Jace.  I know you were with me as I ran.  I hope you know each step was to show you how much I love you.  

Our family trip to Disneyland in 2011.  

Walt Disney World Marathon

My finishing time was 5 hours 59 minutes.  

 My sister, Heather, and her family

 Sheldon's brother, Lance, and his family

 My parents, the true CHEER squad!  They have been behind me each step during these ten months.  Thank you mom and dad for all you have done for me.  I love you.

Love you Melanie and Heather...thank you for running with me!

Des, Rose, and Ily ran the 5k at Disney World in honor of Sheldon and Jace.  Ily, my little niece told me that she remembered Sheldon and Jace with each step.  It was very sweet to see everyone remembering Sheldon and Jace.

 The whole group at the Magic Kingdom.  We spent the week before the marathon going to different theme parks.

Team SJ

There is less than one week until I run my marathon in memory of Sheldon and Jace.  I can't wait to run and remember them.  They mean everything to me.  I miss them.  I love them.  I can't wait to hold them again.  I will run 26.2 miles in memory of my beautiful family and a love that will last forever.

Trying to Remember

Jace's full name is Jace Sheldon Olsen.  When I would ask him his name he would say, "Jace Daddy Olsen."  Sure missing Jace and his daddy today.

One step forward...

Today I woke up thinking about the last time we took Jace to the zoo.  We rode the merry-go-round and got kettle corn to eat in the car on the way home.  We stopped for dinner at Sheldon's favorite buffet and ate together.  I remember Jace was standing up in the booth at the restaurant smiling at the little girl in the booth next to us.  I remember him sitting on my lap and eating his food.  I remember sitting there with my family with such peace and happiness in my heart.  I am glad when I wake up and the memories flood into my mind.  I really feel that most of the time my defense is to try not to think about it because it is so painful to think about how much I love them and miss them.  I don't want to forget anything about them and yet I have noticed how that with time passing, I do forget things.  I am so grateful I wrote down some thoughts early on right after the accident.

It has been almost ten months.  I don't know how so much time has passed.  How can it be so long since I last told Sheldon I loved him and the last time I held my little boy?  The feeling of loss is so immense and so deep that most of the time I try to push it out.  Then it always catches up with me sooner or later.  Today is one of those days.  I feel in this process I take one step forward and a million steps back.  It's a continual process to try to keep fighting, to try to keep realizing that happiness can be mine if I can take it, and that I can live life.  I will, but it just hurts so bad, most of the time it brings me to my knees in prayer.  I love my little family.  I knew who I was.  I was a wife and a mother.  I was a happy person.  I found such joy in serving my husband and son.  I miss that part so much.  I miss doing things for them and instead just trying to get out of bed and smile is my new normal.

I want to feel like myself again.  I feel so far removed from that person.  When I go to church and feel the spirit I feel that comfort and that sense of being secure.  I am so thankful for my testimony.  I don't think I could have lived through this without that.  I am so thankful for a Savior who loves me and who I have felt put His arms around me when I have been at the lowest point possible.  I am so thankful for a husband and son who I will get to see again.  I am so thankful for our memories and how dear they are to me.  I am so thankful I woke up this morning remembering our trip to the zoo.

I love you Sheldon and Jace    

Jace talked over and over for weeks about the tapir we saw going to the bathroom and the big elephant poop.  Jace was almost potty trained and was very interested in talking all about that kind of stuff.  That makes me smile.