A year has come and gone

A year has come and gone.  In some ways I still can't believe it.  The last few months I have started to feel more like myself again, more like the woman I used to be.  I like that parts of my personality are coming back and that I can start to define myself again.  I feel like I didn't really live this year.  I endured this year.  I spent many many moments crying and almost functioning without thinking, just going through the motions.  Sometimes when I think about how I don't have my husband and son anymore, I can't even begin to understand how to make it through this.  Honestly, there were many moments when I begged Heavenly Father not to make me go through this anymore.  I felt like it would be merciful if I too could join my family.  I have never wanted to die, but knowing where my family is makes me so anxious to join them.  Choosing to live this life has been so hard.  I don't want this life, but I am living it.  I am trying to find happiness where I can and gratitude for my blessings.  I am truly learning to accept God's will in my life.  That has been a struggle for me this whole year.

My testimony has never been challenged so much and yet it has never been stronger.  I know that what I believe is true.  I know that there is a Savior who came to this earth and who died for us that all mankind can live again.  I know that I will see them again.  I know that we will be reunited with our loved ones who have passed on, and that because of our Savior, we will live again.  I know that our Heavenly Father loves and knows each one of us and that by putting our trust in Him we can endure any trial or test that is put before us.  I know that we are here to experience those trials and tests and that if we endure them well we will have eternal life.

I listen to church music in the morning when I get ready for work.  I listen to the scriptures on tape when I drive to work and I read them again at night.  I start each morning and end each night with a prayer.  I am striving to feel the Holy Ghost every day.  Those moments when I feel love and peace are the moments I strive for.  I feel such a contrasting difference when I feel despair and lack of hope.  I think often about faith, hope, and charity.  I know that is the way to return to my family again.  I go back and forth between having those qualities, but I really am striving to live my life daily where I can have faith in God's plan for me, hope for my life and the time when I can hold my family again, and charity for others who are in need.  I am striving for that everyday.  It is not easy by any stretch.  Everyday it is a choice, a continual choice.

The year mark was very tough.  I was with family and friends so it actually made that day very special.  We ran a 10k in their memory and spent the day doing things my family would have done.  We went to an indoor bounce house in memory of Jace and his love to play.  We went to a buffet in memory of Sheldon and his favorite way to eat.  We watched a DVD tribute to their lives and released balloons.  I felt so much love from everybody.  I loved getting on Facebook and my email to see all the messages from my family, friends and even strangers who I have never met.  I loved the flowers and gifts and all of the sweet birthday cards that were sent in the mail.  I loved that we were celebrating my family on my birthday.  That is how I would want to celebrate my birthday.  I thought for a long time how terrible it was that they passed away on my birthday, but I actually feel grateful to have so many remembering them on my birthday.  That is the best gift anyone could give me.

I feel like the week after my birthday was the hardest.  That feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me as I thought about what my week would have been like with my family.  I hate being alone.  I hate not having Sheldon to talk to and Jace to play with.  I hate not having them right next to me.  I hate that I didn't get to celebrate with them.  Sheldon was planning such a fun birthday celebration for me last year that never happened.  We were going to go to the Great Wolf Lodge and spend two days at the indoor water park.  I want that life back.  I want to go back a year ago and be with them there.  We found my birthday cake in Sheldon's car last year that he had bought for me.  I found the blank birthday card he never filled out that he had bought for me.  Instead of so much fun together, our family experienced the most traumatic events possible.   A year later, I am still learning how to live this life without them.  I miss my family.  I miss them and I love them.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me this year.  Thank you for the donations, the kindness, the service, the gifts, the kind messages, the prayers, and your love.  Thank you for allowing me to see Christ like attributes and the goodness in life.  Thank you.  I could not have made it through this year without my family, friends, and strangers supporting me.

With love and gratitude,

Julie

  

One Year

I was dreading yesterday and that it would be March again.  It's very hard for me to wrap my head around that it has been almost a year.  I miss them so deeply.  We only had 17 days together last March.  On my birthday, I kissed them goodbye one last time.  I didn't know that would be our last goodbye.  I would have held them and never let go if I would have had any idea the events that were to follow.

This year has been the most difficult that I have ever had to live through.  In some ways I feel so grateful that I did make it through this year.  There were some days, when I didn't know if that was possible. I  remember many times being curled in a ball sobbing with such sorrow, that I didn't feel I could possibly get back up again.  I have gone through so many emotions.  I have felt such deep sorrow, pain, remorse, guilt, sadness, and longing and yet I have also felt such sweet feelings of love and comfort.  I have replayed our last minutes, hours, days, weeks months, and years together.  As I have thought about our life together, my heart is so full of gratitude for the amazing journey that we experienced.  I remember the kisses and the embraces and the happiness of being in the arms of my little family.  I remember laughing and smiling with them.  I am so thankful for those memories.  I am so thankful for a son and a husband that I know I will be reunited with one day.

I think Sheldon and Jace are proud of me for making it through this year.  I know I have felt them close to me and I know that they are very close to me, probably more than I know.  I love them.  I pray everyday for them and how thankful I am for them.  The other day I had the thought that the best thing I can give them is to try and live truly happy, to try and have joy again.  I know they want that for me.  I have been able to smile and to laugh and it feels good.  Sheldon was always a jokster and he made me laugh everyday.  He was always up to something and I loved that about him.  That was one of the reasons I fell in love with him.  He was kind, he was thoughtful, and I can only remember a few times him ever saying anything critical of me.

Our little Jace was a perfect little boy.  He had the most tender spirit about him and he brought us so much happiness.  This year was supposed to be filled with our adventures and I was looking forward to him starting preschool and for all the fun that would come with it.  Jace loved his little friends and I know that he would have loved going to school.  I have been watching his cousin this year, who is only a few months older than Jace, and seeing all of the milestones that Jace missed.  That is tough.  Jace would have been started  Sunbeams in church and seeing the little Sunbeam classes at church always brings tears to my eyes.  The life that I didn't get to watch him live, is heartbreaking.  Sheldon would have been on his second year of being an optometrist.  We were hoping to adopt another child and were starting to look at houses to buy.  Our life together was everything I wanted and more.  I was devoted to our family in every way and having that taken from me is something that I am trying to learn to cope with.

This year I think I have made good strides with coping and I do feel that I have much more clarity today than I did even a month ago.  Each new day brings new realizations that I can be happy.  I have decided that being happy is truly a choice.  I am choosing that.  This year I moved to Las Vegas, I started teaching, continued working on my master's degree, and I have met some amazing people and continue to be so grateful for my family and friends who have supported me this year.  I have started dating too.  I don't want to spend this life alone and I don't feel that is God's plan for me.  I am very hopeful for a future where I get to share my love with someone as a wife and also share that love again as a mother.

The weekend of the 17th I will be with family.  We will remember the lives of my husband and son.  I love you dearly and forever Sheldon and Jace.    

Nine Months Ago

Nine months ago I was with Jace.  Sheldon had already left for the gym and then was headed to work.  We were planning on going to our church party that night for dinner.  Sheldon had planned a fun overnighter the next night to the Great Wolf Lodge for my birthday.  We were going to spend all day Monday at the hotel and playing at the water park.  Jace and I had cupcakes after breakfast that morning, my birthday.  I had made chocolate cupcakes the night before and Jace was begging for them the next morning.  I thought we shouldn't at first, but then I decided that since it was my birthday we should eat some together.  We sat and ate chocolate cupcakes with green sprinkles together after breakfast.  It was a sunny day and I was looking forward to all the birthday celebrations Sheldon had planned for me.  I remember when I put Jace down for nap, I laid down with him in his new "big boy" bed until he fell asleep.  I think I might have fallen asleep for about 20 minutes too.  I remember how he looked laying in that big bed with his Angry Bird sheets.  I remember looking at him with so much love and joy.  I miss my little baby boy so much.  I used to ask him if he was a "big boy" or a "baby" and most of the time he would say he was "mommy's baby."  I remember what it feels like to carry him and how empty my arms feel now.  I remember when Sheldon came home and he gave me a hug and a kiss to wish me a Happy Birthday.  I remember eating chips and guacamole with him and him talking about how he wanted to start training for another marathon and I was talking to Sheldon about starting to plan our vacation to Disney World.  I didn't realize those would be our last hours together.

It has been nine months.  I have slowly felt the haze around me start to lift a little bit at a time.  Yesterday I realized that there was actually a light in my closet.  I have been living in my new condo for six months and that was the first time I noticed that.  I haven't really noticed anything really, other than my own sadness and trying to come to terms with what happened.  So many people have done so much for me and my heart is so full of gratitude.  I wish that I could in some small way repay that.  I realize that is something I will do as I live the rest of this life and try to help others who are grieving their loved ones.

Grief is very tough, probably the toughest thing I can ever imagine.  It hurts, it's very raw, and it doesn't go away.  There are constant reminders all around me of them.  I finally realized I am glad that I feel that way, because it keeps me connected to them.  Earlier this month, Jace would have turned 3 1/2.  That was tough. Thinking about missing his third birthday and then six months past that, that is too long not to have my son.  I've ached and longed to join them, but I realize that is not my decision to make.  I am realizing that maybe it is time to start building a new life, a life where I can smile and have new hopes.  A life that involves me getting to love someone again and not being alone.  I hate being alone.  It feels good for a moment when I am overwhelmed with sadness and then after that I realize that I don't want to live like this.  I hope I won't.

Next month I am running the Disney World Marathon in honor of Sheldon and Jace.  I am happy to remember my family and do something that means so much.

I love you Sheldon and Jace

    

Six Months

(The last picture taken of our family on March 10, 2012)

Tomorrow it will be six months from the accident.  This weekend has been very difficult on me.  I keep replaying in my mind the last few days we had together.  Tonight I have been thinking about the last night I had with my family.  The last time I cooked dinner for them, the last time we said family prayers, and the last time I had to snuggle with my husband and son.  I miss them so much.  These past six months have been the hardest I have ever lived.  How do I live without them?  I ask myself that multiple times every day.  I really don't know how, and it is a struggle every day.  It hurts.  It is sad and I really don't want to live without them.  Yet, I have to.  I really have no choice.  Coming to terms with that has been difficult.  I loved my little family.  I knew my role and I loved it.  I loved taking care of them and making sure the house was clean and dinners were ready.  It really brought me a lot of happiness to make sure the house looked good for when Sheldon got home and that he knew how happy we were that he was home.  We had such a blessed life.  I realize the ten years I did live married to Sheldon were very happy and I do feel so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man.  I do feel so blessed that I was able to be a mother.  It was only for 33 months.  But I had those wonderful 33 months where I felt such happiness and such love for our little boy.  I remember playing trains with Jace.  He always picked the same four trains and always gave me the same trains to play with.  He had to have them in the correct order before he would push them along the track.  We had so much fun doing that together.  I remember reading books with him before bed.  I wish I was doing that with him now.  I wish I never had to experience them being gone.  I'm not quite sure why Heavenly Father had this in store for me, and I realize I might never understand.  But I do trust in God and that I can turn to him for comfort.  I have been finding great comfort in the song "Be Still, My Soul."  It was sung at both funerals and the words really do help me.  I am so thankful for a Savior who has made it possible for me to see them again.  I do believe I will hold them again and that one day all sorrow and grief will be gone.  Our family will be restored and I will have them again.  I will be looking forward to that day for the rest of my life on earth.  Six months seems too long to be apart.  I love you forever and ever Sheldon and Jace.

Be Still, My Soul

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Miss You Too

I love my little family so much.  I miss them every moment of every day.  I keep wondering why someone would have to endure having their entire family taken away.  I'm not sure I will ever have the answer to that question.  It hurts so much.  I had a wonderful decade with my husband, and such a happy and joyous time becoming a mother to our little Jace.  Sheldon worked as an optometrist at walmart and Jace and I used to go to walmart a lot.  We would stop by and say hi to Sheldon and Jace would always ask to go and see the fish.  We would go look at the goldfish and then I would run and push the shopping cart through the aisles.  Jace would laugh and tell me to go faster.  I always thought people were probably looking at me funny, because I was the optometrist's wife, and I was running through walmart with Jace in the cart.  Thinking of Jace laughing while I was doing that makes me smile.  Jace was my buddy and we did everything together.  I remember the last time we went to the park and how much fun we had together.  I played with him and I remember how I was thinking I would like to sit down and watch him, but I decided to play with him instead.  I am so glad I played with him that much and I can always have that memory of our last time at the park.  I really wish I could scoop him up and give him a big hug.  I could use one of those big hugs right now.  Whenever I was gone and I would come back, Jace would always say, "Miss you too Mommy."  He would snuggle me.  I miss those snuggles so much.  There are still milk stains from Jace's sippy cup leaking on the seat in my car.  I just don't think I can ever clean that off.  Jace would always poke his fork into the dining room table and Sheldon would always tell him not to do that.  I am so grateful for those little fork marks on the table.  I love them.  It reminds me of happy times.  Those little things that might have seemed irritating at the time are some of the things I treasure the most.  It's proof to me that our life was real.

I was looking at our first and our last family pictures.  Sheldon and I really grew up together and learned a lot about life along the way.  We learned to deal with infertility and all the aspects that go along with it.  We became closer as a couple and grew stronger through that trial.  We loved our little boy and being his parents.  Sometimes when I see people getting upset at their kids I wish they could feel for a brief moment what I feel, and how all those little things that are so difficult don't really matter all that much.  I wish in ten years from now I could see another family picture and how we had all changed.  I am grieving so much for the life we didn't get to live, but my heart is so full of gratitude for the life that we did live, and it was a good life.  "Miss you too Sheldon and Jace."            

Adjusting

I have a lot to adjust to.  I am still a wife and a mother, but not in the same way.  Last night I was thinking that eventually I will have to adjust to this new life I am living.  Most of the time I feel like I am just trudging through it, hour by hour sometimes counting down until I can go to sleep and be done with that day.  Some days there are moments when I feel like my heart can't bear it anymore.  I pray to Heavenly Father to help me get through those moment of pain and sadness.  I really don't know how I will ever adjust, and yet I have in some ways.  I have lived four months without them.  I have gotten through some of the most painful moments that most people should not have to live through.  I kissed them one last time.  I took so much time putting on Jace's white shoes for his burial clothes, and sobbed when I tied the laces, because I knew that would be the last time I would ever do that.  I planned a beautiful memorial for them.  I lived through such intense moments that I am surprised I endured.

Adjusting is hard.  I was expecting a different life.  I was not expecting this new life.  I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my life is different now.  I have put all of my trust in God.  I have to.  I pray that my life can become more than my limited view can see right now.  I pray that I can adjust, become more refined, and move forward with a stronger and firmer testimony of His gospel.  I have daily struggles and lots of sadness but I do have hope.  I do have faith in God's plan for my life.  I have and will continue to trust in His path for me.

We went to the cemetery again and this time I felt a peaceful feeling.  We went into the office and the lady at the desk told me that people have been coming in asking for help to find their headstones.  I was so grateful that people I don't even know are visiting them and paying their respects.  Thank you.  I have received so many emails and comments from people from many different places.  Thank you for reaching out to me.  I have learned so much about the goodness of others.  I have had my eyes open to others who are struggling like me, and my heart reaches out to you.  We all have trials.  I am humbled that people would come to me with their trials and that we can talk and share what we are learning.  I really feel so much love for all of you.  I am so grateful for this blog.  Thank you for mourning with me, thank you for comforting me, and thank you for sharing such kindness.      

My little family

Today I went to the cemetery and saw that the headstones had been put in place.  I kept it together pretty good at the cemetery.  I felt comforted that the stones look so beautiful and represent how I feel about them.  I do feel peace and comfort knowing that my final resting place will be next to my husband and son.  Looking at Jace's headstone has been very difficult.  He was our little miracle.  He was given to us through the miracle of adoption.  We cherished being his parents.  We loved him so much.  Having him as our son was such a gift from Heavenly Father and having him taken away from me feels like more heartache than any person should ever have to endure.   I feel so much gratitude for being able to be his mother and I hope that those feelings can help me on days like today, when it hurts so much.        

My Role

Mommy is missing you so much today.   

These pictures were taken when Jace was seven months old.  Looking at our photos has helped me today.  They are proof of what I used to do.  Some days I feel so fragile and today is one of those days.  I remember everything about being a mom and wife and those characteristics are still very much a part of me.  Sleeping has been such a hard thing to get used to.  Jace was still getting up one time in the night, almost every night, and he would try to come into our bed to sleep.  We would either let him or one of us would take him back to his room until he fell asleep.  He would get up everyday without fail at seven in the morning.  I still am waking up in the middle of the night and I was waking up right at seven for such a long time.  I still rarely sleep past seven.  The first few months after they passed, I would wake up in the middle of the night and for a second I would forget and think that Jace had woken me up or that he was crying and needed me.  Then the sick feeling would come back and I would remember what happened.  Sleeping and waking up and remembering have been very hard.  I miss them both so much.  I am not supposed to be sleeping alone.  I should have my family surrounding me.  I should be a wife and a mother.  I should be taking care of them and watching Jace grow older.  I should be supporting Sheldon as his wife.  I should be making dinner for them.  I have only cooked one meal in the past four months.  I just don't know if I can do that just for me.  It takes me almost two weeks to have enough laundry to run a load.  My house is always clean and there are no messes.  It leaves me empty inside that there is no laundry to do, no toys or dirty clothes to pick up, no boys waiting for meals, and no more embraces and kisses.  I really need them and I have to figure out how to live without them.  That is something that I am trying to figure out every day and I think it will take many more before I do.

Trying

I wanted to write down some of the things I have been doing the past four months so when I look back I can remember this time.  I’m not sure I even want to remember it, but eventually maybe I will.

 In April I moved in with my parents in Las Vegas.  I started going to the gym and signed up for the marathon in January.  I volunteered in my niece’s kindergarten classroom.  I went to women’s conference with my mom, aunt, and cousins and was able to visit the cemetery for the first time after the funeral.  Sheldon’s family came to visit me.  I started spending my time with my sister, Natalie, my friend, Heather, my cousins, my aunt and uncle, and my parents.  My parents took care of me.  I started going to the temple every week.  I got shingles and my body went through shock from everything that happened and from not eating or sleeping.    

In May I went with my sister, Natalie, to Oregon for a few days.  I was able to see Jace’s birthmom and spend time with her.  I went to Pacific University where they had a remembrance ceremony for alumni who had passed away this last semester.  I was able to be there to represent Sheldon and I was able to ring the bell in the old college hall in his memory.  I accidentally rang the bell twice, and I had to smile that the second time represented our little Jace.  Sheldon always talked about how he hoped Jace would become an optometrist.  I went to dinner with friends in Forest Grove and visited with them.  I started grief counseling.  I went to Salt Lake to visit the cemetery and spent time with Sheldon’s family.  I went to the Salt Lake temple with my dad and aunt.  My sister, Melanie, came to visit the last weekend in May.  I attended the temple in Las Vegas weekly.  I spent a lot of time running.  I went with my mom to a spa and we got massages.  We got pedicures twice during the four months too.

In June I went to the cemetery again for Jace’s 3^rd birthday.  Together, with family, we remembered Jace and his life.  We had a pirate piñata, ate his favorite McDonald’s meal, sent balloons up to Heaven with messages written on them, and ate chocolate cupcakes with green sprinkles.  I moved into my own condo during the middle of the month and was grateful to have all of our things out so I could look at them.  I went to San Diego with my parents and took my niece to Sea World.  I ran a 5k with my friend Heather.  I went to St. George with my mom and her friend and I was able to visit with my friends, Marie and Michelle. 

Right now I am in Shelton again.  This first week of July I flew into Portland.  I spent time with Jace’s birthmom again and I was able to meet her fiance.  I love her so much and I am so grateful for our relationship.  I am so happy for her upcoming wedding.  I am grateful she has invited me to attend.  She is like a sister to me.  We have so much love for one another and I am looking forward to continuing that relationship throughout our lives.  After I spent time with her, I spent some time with Sheldon’s best friend, Garrett, and enjoyed sharing memories of Sheldon and Jace.  I went to Forest Grove again and saw my friends.  I was able to see the inside of our house and remember so much about our life together.  I went to Long Beach in Washington and met up with my sister and her boyfriend.  We celebrated the 4^th of July together.  I enjoyed spending time with her and was tearful when I left.  I drove up to Olympia and met my friend, Megan, and her family for lunch.  I drove to Shelton.  I went to the lake and I was able to see the inside of our house there as well.  Last night, I met up with my friends.  We went out to dinner.  We shared some of our favorite memories together.  I was sad we only lived in Shelton for nine months and I didn’t get more time to spend with them.  I have plans this month to visit Utah again and see Sheldon's family.  I'm planning on going on the youth trek with our Shelton ward and I have applied for a teaching job in the fall.  I am hoping to start working again and am looking forward to teaching.  I started my master's degree last year and I have been continuing to work on it.  I have been able to keep up with the program and I plan to continue it.

Yesterday I drove to the lake.  I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do that or not.  I bought nine white flowers, one for each year of our marriage, and I wrote down on nine white pieces of paper, my favorite nine days we had together.  I attached each one to a flower and spent time thinking about each of those days and what they meant to our family.  I put the flowers in the lake along with each attached note, to symbolize that I want the good memories of our life to be what I remember when I look at that lake.  We had a good life and we loved each other.  Those days are what I want to remember.  I will never forget what happened on my birthday and those terrible hours that followed.  Those hours are what changed my life here on earth and those were the most painful moments I have ever experienced.  The two weeks that followed were excruciating.  Sheldon and Jace were too young and we had so much life to live together. 

I have come to realize that nothing with change.  I will not get them back here on earth and the only change that will occur will be in me, how I choose to grieve, and how I live my life.  I want them to know how much I care and love for them, how I wish every day we were together, and how I am trying to live a life that they can smile about when they watch me.  Doing those things that I mentioned, these past four months, has not been easy.  This has been the hardest four months I have ever lived.  Some days I do spend all day in bed, and by the end of the day I can hardly stand myself.  I know I can’t live my life like that.  I draw so much strength from people and memories. I am so grateful that I have been surrounded by love and that I have been able to go back and remember our life together.  My experience at the lake yesterday was very difficult.  I cried and cried.  At the end of the day I felt a little better and I realized that I am on a different path now, one without them, and I have to find ways to feel joy again.  I have to find ways to live so that my grief does not overwhelm me and I am trying to do that.  I need to find reasons to smile again and I feel hope that I will.               

A day at a time

As I go throughout the day I often feel that painful tug in my heart when I remember something about my little family.  They were my entire world.  My days revolved around taking care of them and all of the aspects of being a mother and a wife.  I was thinking about how I made it through almost four months of this, and I know I have been carried by angels, heavenly and earthly ones.  Writing on this blog has really helped me.  This is a place where I can go and express my love for them and feel comfort and love from all of you who have reached out to me.  I am learning so much about others and the goodness that abounds in all of you.  Thank you for lifting me up with all the kind things you say and do. 

I have been trying to figure out who I really am through all of this, and I know that I am a child of God.  I know that I am and always will be Sheldon’s wife and Jace’s mother.  I know that I am a daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt, cousin and niece to so many who love me and I love them.  My family and Sheldon’s family are my support system.  I know that I have some of the best friends in the whole world.  Yesterday I was thinking about those relationships I have and how blessed I am to be surrounded by love.

I have also been thinking about how I am the only remaining member of our little family.  I remember thinking the past few months that our family unit is gone, that I am left here without them, and that I will eventually have to start a new life for myself.  That is very painful and sad.  When I was running the other day I realized that the memories I have and the person I became while I was a wife to Sheldon and a mother to Jace, are still there.  I am still that person.  I am struggling with my purpose and identity right now, and why I was left behind.  I am grateful for that realization, that they will always be part of who I am, and that will never be taken away.

I Miss You

Happy 4th of July Sheldon and Jace.  I wish I was celebrating with you today.  I love you.

Things I Miss

This summer has been very different.  I am used to being a mom and a wife.  I am used to spending my day taking care of my little boy and enjoying my husband.  I am used to thinking of fun things to do and spending all my time with them.  I remember the moment, the first week, after they passed when I realized I wasn't going to be Jace's mom or Sheldon's wife anymore during this life time.  The impact of that hit me full force and I am still trying to come to terms with it.  I am grieving all aspects of having those roles taken away from me.  I am trying to be strong, but the realization of what that means for me and my future really takes me to my knees and most of the time I am pleading with Heavenly Father to help me endure such heartache.  I was looking at pictures of last June and how much different my summer is this year.  We were at my parent's house and this week a year ago, we were getting ready to move to Washington.  We had so many hopes for what that move would mean for us, and while Sheldon did get to enjoy his profession for six months, those hopes were just beginning to be realized before they were taken away.  I will never feel I had enough time with them and I will always be wishing I was with them.  I am trying to find things to smile about each day and I realize that the longing I have for them will always be there.  That is something I am trying to get used to, but it is very painful most of the time.  I will try everyday and hopefully they can watch when the days are good for me, and smile when they see me smiling. 

Last June           

Playing with sparklers

 Relaxing together

 Thomas & Friends show

 Movie time with lots of popcorn and his favorite blankets, a favorite summer activity for our family

 Playing with cousins

 Playing at the spray park

Zoo visit with cousins

Too Many Days

Today it has been ninety-eight days, too many days, without Sheldon and Jace.  I know I shouldn't count the days or even the months, but it's hard not to.  I miss them so much.  I miss my husband and my son.  I miss picking up their messes.  I miss being able to hug and kiss them and tell them I love them.  I miss spending my days with Jace and being excited for when Sheldon was done with work so he could join us.  I miss laughing with them.  I miss everything about my little family.  Everything I do now is different, because I am doing it without them.  I know I will have them back again one day, but my heart aches for our life and our little family that is not together right now.          

Father's Day

Today I am just really missing my two boys.  I love them so much.  I remember last year we had the best Father's Day.  We were in Las Vegas while Sheldon was figuring out where he wanted to start his optometry practice.  We went up to Mt. Charleston and had such a fun picnic.  We played on the seesaw, threw rocks, and picked up sticks-fun little boy stuff.  I think Sheldon even climbed a really tall tree and Jace and I watched him.  We had a picnic and Sheldon unwrapped his gifts.  I remember how beautiful the mountains looked and how much we just enjoyed being with each other.  That day seems like a dream. 

It has been three months, from today, since the accident and I miss them now, more than ever.  I thought there might be a relief with time, and there is some, but the pain is so deep.  I am constantly thinking about them and our little life together.  All of their little mannerisms, and things they used to say just pop into my head at random times.  I can picture them perfectly in my mind and everything about them.  I've started looking through our things and I saw Jace's little blue crocs.  He loved those crocs.  He wore them everywhere and he always picked to wear them.  They are so little and so small, just a reminder of my little baby boy who was too young to leave this earth.  I know he was perfect and he still is perfect.  He is with his daddy this Father's Day.  That brings me a lot of comfort.  Sheldon was an amazing father.  I know they are together and this lifetime seems so long to be without them.  I'm trying to come to terms with this, but it is really hard most days.  I know they want me to be happy, and I am trying.  I am trying everyday, and sometimes its only for a few hours.  But I am trying.  I want to be happy.  I want to live a life that I know they can smile about when they are watching me.  Jace, give your daddy a big hug and kiss for me this Father's Day.  I love you both so much.   

Visiting Them

I've been to the cemetery to visit Jace and Sheldon twice now.  I am going to try and go every month.  I went in April and in May.  This next visit my family and Sheldon's family will be coming and we will be remembering Jace and his third birthday that just passed.  I miss them so much.  When I was at the cemetery last time I noticed that a little girl is buried right next to them who was also 33 months, like Jace, when she passed away.  Her name is Anna Katherine Boshardt.  She was born March 4, 1905 and died on December 20, 1907.  As I was thinking about her I felt very strongly that her and Jace know each other and have met.  I am so glad that Jace has a friend like him.  He loved all of his friends so much and it really brings me comfort to know that he is next to that little girl.  I want to find out more information about her.  Maybe that is where some of you might be able to help me.  If any of you reading could find out more about her and pass that information along to me I would be so grateful.  I think I will start bringing Anna flowers too when I go and visit them.

June 5, 2012

Happy 3rd Birthday Jace.  I miss you and love you.  Tell your daddy to give you a big hug from me.

June 5, 2012

Jace,

Today I was remembering your second birthday party.  We had a Thomas the Train theme and we did all the things you love.  We had pizza, ate cupcakes, you got to unwrap presents, we had games, and of course we had a pinata.  It's a memory I will always cherish.  I loved planning your birthday and watching your face light up with each new surprise.  I miss you and your daddy so much.  You would have turned 3 on June 5th.  We were planning your party already and you wanted a Jake and the Neverland Pirate theme, a pinata, and chocolate cupcakes.  I am still planning on doing that for you, to remember my handsome little son.  Happy Birthday to my baby boy.  

I love you Jace,

Mommy  

Jace's First Birthday Party