Sheldon's Marathon

I was looking through pictures today.  I love this picture of Sheldon crossing the finish line for his marathon.  He is so handsome and was always so fit.  I really loved that about him.  He could always do hard things.  He only trained for the marathon for about three months and he knew he wanted to do it and he just did it.  That really sums up Sheldon.  He would decide to do something that he needed to do and he would just do it.  He also didn't complain along the way.  I am looking forward to running my marathon in their honor, to remember them and remember my amazing husband and son.

I have lots of supporters in this goal and I am so thankful.  I have been running a lot.  The first time I went to the gym after everything happened I didn't even have the strength to run one mile.  I felt like my body was so exhausted and it really was.  The next day I came down with shingles.  My immune system shut down and my body crashed pretty hard.  I have been running three miles every day now and my friend Heather and I are signed up for a 5K in June.  We signed up for a half marathon in September.  My sister, Melanie, has committed to running with us too.  The Disney World Marathon is in January.  My goal is to finish and to spend that time running remembering the wonderful, happy life we had together.

Sheldon's Testimony of the Book of Mormon

Sheldon spoke at a fireside for the youth in our church a few weeks before they passed away.  He created a PowerPoint about the importance of the Book of Mormon before, during, and after his mission.  I love reading it.  I am so grateful I have it.  On one of the slides Sheldon wrote a list of how the Book of Mormon affected his life after his mission.  We would try and read the Book of Mormon together every night as a family.  I love thinking about those times and how much it strengthened our marriage and our family.  We had a goal as a family to read the entire Book of Mormon starting in January of this year and being done by General Conference in April.  We were on track to finish that goal.  Since everything happened I have been trying to continue on with our goal.  I think I will be finished in the next few weeks.  Reading from the Book of Mormon has given me so much comfort and peace when I need it the most.  I feel like I can't go a day without reading from it because I need that strength every day.  I hope that Sheldon and Jace are watching me continue on with our family goal.  Thank you Sheldon for being such an amazing and loving husband and father.  I love you.

Sheldon's List

¨We read the Book of Mormon every night

¨Shows the importance to Jace

¨Brings us closer as a family

¨Provides comfort knowing

that Jesus loves us, we can

repent of our sins and that we

will be an eternal family

¨Helps our family draw nearer

 to God

Two Months

On the 17th it will be two months since they passed.  I miss them so much.  My heart aches for them.  My heart aches for our amazing life together.  I miss that so much.  Being a wife and mother was the best thing I ever did.  I loved taking care of Sheldon and Jace.  It really brought me so much happiness. I remember folding the laundry and thinking how grateful I was to have a little boy that I could fold laundry for.  That's silly, I know, but I never did take any of those things for granted.  I loved cooking and baking for them and I loved preparing dinner for us to all to eat together.  Those hours when Sheldon got home from work, at the end of the day, were sacred hours we spent together.  That was always my favorite time of the day.  We would eat dinner together, play together, clean together and just laugh together.  Sheldon was so good.  He hardly ever turned on the tv or got on the internet until Jace as asleep.  We just loved being together.  Jace and I would always run and hide when we heard Sheldon's car coming down the drive way.  We played that game everyday and Sheldon would come and find us.  On the last day we had together, I was reading on the bed and Jace was still napping in his room.  Sheldon walked down the hallway and opened Jace's door to try and find us and said, "Where's Jace and Mommy?."  He was surprised that Jace was asleep and worried that he might have woke him up.  I remember laughing that Sheldon thought we were hiding.  It was just something fun we always did.  It was a fun way to let Sheldon know how excited we were that he was home.

 Mother's Day was a hard day.  I remember all the Mother's Day before Jace was born and the feeling I had of being so sad that I hadn't been blessed with the opportunity to be a mother, but trying to have faith that it would happen one day.  I remember trying to understand why such a righteous desire had not been granted to our family.  I remember the two Mother's Day I celebrated with Sheldon and Jace.  I was so grateful.  My heart was so full.  Sheldon bought me a tote bag and ironed on pictures of Jace and our family and the words, "We love mom."  I love that tote bag.  I remember he made me a steak dinner and I was laughing that he picked to make me steak since that was definitely his favorite meal.  He told me that was the only thing he could cook really well and he wanted to make sure it was a good dinner.  I just laughed.  The second Mother's Day he had Jace draw me a picture and gave me beautiful flowers.  He always remembered the flowers.  I remember feeling that gifts and things like that on Mother's Day were nice, but I didn't need them.  What mattered to me was being a mother to our little Jace and squeezing him tight and holding him in my arms.  I wish I could have done that this Mother's Day.  I miss them both so much.  I can't wait for the day when I can kiss them and hug them as much as I want.

I know I couldn't make it through this without my own mom, my dad, my sisters, family, friends, and even strangers.  I really have such an amazing support system.  I have been carried by that support system the past two months.  I have a big pile of thank you notes that I need to work on.  Please know that I am so appreciative and so thankful, even though I haven't been able to write one note yet.  I really feel that every single thing that has been done in my behalf has made me a little bit stronger, given me a little bit more hope, and has shown me pure Christ like service and love.  Thank you.  My friend gave me a book called Look Up, My Soul by Gerald Lund.   It has really helped me to realize I can have hope too.  I would recommend that book to anyone who needs more hope or going through any kind of trial big or small.  Two scriptures that were mentioned in the book have been very comforting to me.  "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  Mathew 11:28-30.  "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."  Philippians 4:13.  I know the hope I can have is through our Savior.  I pray everyday that the Savior will help lighten my burden and I can share my loss with Him and make it through another day.  I am so thankful for our Savior and the strength He offers to all who will come to Him.

First Mother's Day
Second Mother's Day

Our little boy

Trust in the Lord

  Everyday I miss them, all day, all the time really.  I am in the humblest place I have ever been.  I have never spent so much time praying, pondering, and reading my scriptures in my life.  I have prayed and prayed that the Savior will help me carry this burden.  I cannot do it alone.  I have felt that burden lifted many times by all of you.  Thank you.  So many have done kind things for me.  I am so grateful.  Every little note, every phone call, every donation, and every act of service touches my heart and helps me get through each day.  As I am sitting here writing this I am listening to music that was given to me as a gift from Chad Woolner.  He is an acoustic guitar player and he wrote me an email giving me a code to access and download his music.  I have been listening to it everyday.  It brings me comfort and helps me feel the spirit.  Thank you Chad.  They are adoptive parents too and I have felt so much love and support as the adoptive community has reached out to me.  For anyone who has adopted a child, they know that miraculous path of becoming parents through adoption.  Adopting our son was our miracle.  We saw Heavenly Father's hand in the planning of our family and we truly learned how to put God's will above our own.  One of my favorite scriptures is, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6.  I really do believe that through our struggle to bring Jace to our family, I have truly learned how to do that.  I have and continue to put my trust in the Lord.  I know He will comfort me and He will not leave me alone.  I trust in His will for our family and the path that I am now traveling alone.  When I feel anxious, upset, or sad about that path, I feel so much comfort when I turn to Him in prayer.  I know that keeping His commandments gives me the comfort of knowing that He is guiding me.

I was thinking about how I learned that concept through our seven year struggle with infertility.  How everything felt so right when we started the adoption process, and how we were blessed with the most beautiful baby boy.  I knew the moment he was placed in our arms, that Heavenly Father's plan was far greater than anything we could have hoped for.  Jace was so perfect and he is still so perfect.  He taught us so much.  He taught us that happiness is all around us and to never take that for granted.  He taught us how to love each other and him more deeply than we have ever loved.  He taught us that Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to be happy.  I remember how excited he was every week to take the Sacrament at church.  He would always notice when the Deacons would bring the bread and water to us and he was so anxious for his turn.  After he took the bread he would always look at me and say, "Water coming."  I loved whispering in his ear that he should think about Jesus.  We loved teaching him about Jesus, but I really feel like it was Jace who truly taught us about Jesus.  “But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.   Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.”  Luke 18:16-17.  Jace, I will strive everyday to be more like you, so that one day we can all enter His kingdom together hand in hand.  I love you Sheldon and Jace.

http://chadwoolner.bandcamp.com/

A Year Ago

A year ago I was celebrating my husband's graduation with my family.  Sheldon went to school almost our entire married life.  He was a freshman in college when we met.  It was a long road of hard work and sacrifice.  I was so proud of him that day knowing all that WE did to get there.  Sheldon was an amazing husband and father.  I love him so much.  I miss him so much.  A bunch of the wives made shirts that said, "I love my optometrist."  We wore them the first day of our cruise after graduation.  I have been sleeping in that shirt every night.  I have been sleeping with Jace's blanket too.  My heart aches for them and the wonderful life we had.  I love you Sheldon and Jace.