Disney World Marathon

It has been ten months since I lost Sheldon and Jace.  The ache is still there as strong as ever to see them, to hold them, to be with them.  The other day I was remembering Jace's little hands and I can even remember exactly how they look.  I was missing touching Sheldon's face and seeing him smile at me.  I miss everything about not having them here with me.  Saying goodbye has been heart wrenching.  I never thought I would have to experience anything like this in my life.  But I do, and I have to.  Earlier this year I decided to run a marathon in honor of Sheldon and Jace.  We loved Disneyland.  Sheldon and I went there on our honeymoon and at least once a year before Jace was born and we took Jace twice.  We were planning on going to Disney World in the fall of 2012 and Sheldon had asked me to start training for a marathon with him.  My sister told me about the Disney World Marathon and I knew this was something that I needed to do.  

With the support of my family and friends, I was able to run that marathon.  My best friend, Heather, and my sister Melanie ran with me.  All three of us completed the marathon.  I was able to talk quite a bit of people to come to Florida and be part of that experience.  I am so grateful they came and that I could look around and see that I am not really alone in this.  It often feels like I am alone, but I know that there are so many people who love and support me.  I am so grateful.  I could not have gotten through these ten months without each and everyone of them cheering me on.  My heart is full of love for my little family and that there are so many around me helping me through this.  I love you Sheldon and Jace.  I know you were with me as I ran.  I hope you know each step was to show you how much I love you.  

Our family trip to Disneyland in 2011.  

Walt Disney World Marathon

My finishing time was 5 hours 59 minutes.  

 My sister, Heather, and her family

 Sheldon's brother, Lance, and his family

 My parents, the true CHEER squad!  They have been behind me each step during these ten months.  Thank you mom and dad for all you have done for me.  I love you.

Love you Melanie and Heather...thank you for running with me!

Des, Rose, and Ily ran the 5k at Disney World in honor of Sheldon and Jace.  Ily, my little niece told me that she remembered Sheldon and Jace with each step.  It was very sweet to see everyone remembering Sheldon and Jace.

 The whole group at the Magic Kingdom.  We spent the week before the marathon going to different theme parks.

Team SJ

There is less than one week until I run my marathon in memory of Sheldon and Jace.  I can't wait to run and remember them.  They mean everything to me.  I miss them.  I love them.  I can't wait to hold them again.  I will run 26.2 miles in memory of my beautiful family and a love that will last forever.

Nine Months Ago

Nine months ago I was with Jace.  Sheldon had already left for the gym and then was headed to work.  We were planning on going to our church party that night for dinner.  Sheldon had planned a fun overnighter the next night to the Great Wolf Lodge for my birthday.  We were going to spend all day Monday at the hotel and playing at the water park.  Jace and I had cupcakes after breakfast that morning, my birthday.  I had made chocolate cupcakes the night before and Jace was begging for them the next morning.  I thought we shouldn't at first, but then I decided that since it was my birthday we should eat some together.  We sat and ate chocolate cupcakes with green sprinkles together after breakfast.  It was a sunny day and I was looking forward to all the birthday celebrations Sheldon had planned for me.  I remember when I put Jace down for nap, I laid down with him in his new "big boy" bed until he fell asleep.  I think I might have fallen asleep for about 20 minutes too.  I remember how he looked laying in that big bed with his Angry Bird sheets.  I remember looking at him with so much love and joy.  I miss my little baby boy so much.  I used to ask him if he was a "big boy" or a "baby" and most of the time he would say he was "mommy's baby."  I remember what it feels like to carry him and how empty my arms feel now.  I remember when Sheldon came home and he gave me a hug and a kiss to wish me a Happy Birthday.  I remember eating chips and guacamole with him and him talking about how he wanted to start training for another marathon and I was talking to Sheldon about starting to plan our vacation to Disney World.  I didn't realize those would be our last hours together.

It has been nine months.  I have slowly felt the haze around me start to lift a little bit at a time.  Yesterday I realized that there was actually a light in my closet.  I have been living in my new condo for six months and that was the first time I noticed that.  I haven't really noticed anything really, other than my own sadness and trying to come to terms with what happened.  So many people have done so much for me and my heart is so full of gratitude.  I wish that I could in some small way repay that.  I realize that is something I will do as I live the rest of this life and try to help others who are grieving their loved ones.

Grief is very tough, probably the toughest thing I can ever imagine.  It hurts, it's very raw, and it doesn't go away.  There are constant reminders all around me of them.  I finally realized I am glad that I feel that way, because it keeps me connected to them.  Earlier this month, Jace would have turned 3 1/2.  That was tough. Thinking about missing his third birthday and then six months past that, that is too long not to have my son.  I've ached and longed to join them, but I realize that is not my decision to make.  I am realizing that maybe it is time to start building a new life, a life where I can smile and have new hopes.  A life that involves me getting to love someone again and not being alone.  I hate being alone.  It feels good for a moment when I am overwhelmed with sadness and then after that I realize that I don't want to live like this.  I hope I won't.

Next month I am running the Disney World Marathon in honor of Sheldon and Jace.  I am happy to remember my family and do something that means so much.

I love you Sheldon and Jace

    

26.2

Marathon training is going great.  I have my friend Heather, sister Melanie, and sister-in-law Des, signed up to run with me.  We have all been running and it's really something that I enjoy so much.  It feels so good to run and get so many of my feelings out through exercise.  We are doing a 30 week training program and we are on week 7.  The last seven weeks I have ran around 70 miles.  Saturdays are our long runs and today was a 7.5 mile run.  I did a 5k in June, a 10k in July, and running a half marathon in September.  The marathon is in January.  Looking forward to running a lot more miles!

Sheldon's Marathon

I was looking through pictures today.  I love this picture of Sheldon crossing the finish line for his marathon.  He is so handsome and was always so fit.  I really loved that about him.  He could always do hard things.  He only trained for the marathon for about three months and he knew he wanted to do it and he just did it.  That really sums up Sheldon.  He would decide to do something that he needed to do and he would just do it.  He also didn't complain along the way.  I am looking forward to running my marathon in their honor, to remember them and remember my amazing husband and son.

I have lots of supporters in this goal and I am so thankful.  I have been running a lot.  The first time I went to the gym after everything happened I didn't even have the strength to run one mile.  I felt like my body was so exhausted and it really was.  The next day I came down with shingles.  My immune system shut down and my body crashed pretty hard.  I have been running three miles every day now and my friend Heather and I are signed up for a 5K in June.  We signed up for a half marathon in September.  My sister, Melanie, has committed to running with us too.  The Disney World Marathon is in January.  My goal is to finish and to spend that time running remembering the wonderful, happy life we had together.