3.31.2013
3.30.2013
x2
Jace was born in June of 2009. Almost all of the holidays we were able to celebrate three of them with Jace. We celebrated three Halloweens together and three Christmases together. Easter and Jace's birthday make me feel so sad because we only had two of them together as a family. The last Easter I celebrated with my family was in 2011. Jace was almost two and we had so much fun hiding eggs for him to find. After he found them all he asked to play it again. We spent the next few weeks playing the hide the Easter egg game. He didn't really mind that there wasn't anything in them. My heart aches for the life we didn't get to live together. I know we would have had such a fun Easter with Jace at Lake Limerick. We would have had a great summer too. I miss just being with my family and having fun together. Jace and I were always going on little adventures and we were even more excited if Sheldon could join us for them.
It's tough knowing it will be two Easters without them. For a long time I felt so sad thinking about our memories together, but I finally decided I am not sad about our memories. I am so incredibly thankful for them and what they mean to me. I am so thankful that I took so many pictures and that I have a husband and a son who I was able to live such a happy life with. I feel them close often, and I am so thankful for that. I miss not living my life now with them and all that we had together.
This might sound crazy, but I have been avoiding the grocery store at all costs. Every time I go in there I get so sad that I am shopping just for me. I used to plan out the meals for the month and make out weekly shopping lists. I made dinner for Sheldon and Jace every night. I loved taking care of them and having our family sit down together for a meal. I loved it when Sheldon was finally home and we could all be together. Those are moments that are so dear to me. The other day I actually planned out what I wanted to make for meals, went to the grocery store and made it through without being too sad. That might sound very simple, but to me it was a step showing that I am becoming more like myself again. A year later, I am finally able to do that.
I'm starting to experience the second time around with holidays and life without Sheldon and Jace. The second time hurts just as much as the first. I think I am more equipped to deal with it though. That ache and missing them will never go away. It is always there but that desire to live a more full life, one where I can be happy and feel more like myself is there too though. I hope I can keep doing things to move forward.
Happy Easter Sheldon and Jace. I am so thankful for our Savior and what that means for our family.
It's tough knowing it will be two Easters without them. For a long time I felt so sad thinking about our memories together, but I finally decided I am not sad about our memories. I am so incredibly thankful for them and what they mean to me. I am so thankful that I took so many pictures and that I have a husband and a son who I was able to live such a happy life with. I feel them close often, and I am so thankful for that. I miss not living my life now with them and all that we had together.
This might sound crazy, but I have been avoiding the grocery store at all costs. Every time I go in there I get so sad that I am shopping just for me. I used to plan out the meals for the month and make out weekly shopping lists. I made dinner for Sheldon and Jace every night. I loved taking care of them and having our family sit down together for a meal. I loved it when Sheldon was finally home and we could all be together. Those are moments that are so dear to me. The other day I actually planned out what I wanted to make for meals, went to the grocery store and made it through without being too sad. That might sound very simple, but to me it was a step showing that I am becoming more like myself again. A year later, I am finally able to do that.
I'm starting to experience the second time around with holidays and life without Sheldon and Jace. The second time hurts just as much as the first. I think I am more equipped to deal with it though. That ache and missing them will never go away. It is always there but that desire to live a more full life, one where I can be happy and feel more like myself is there too though. I hope I can keep doing things to move forward.
Happy Easter Sheldon and Jace. I am so thankful for our Savior and what that means for our family.
3.23.2013
A year has come and gone
A year has come and gone. In some ways I still can't believe it. The last few months I have started to feel more like myself again, more like the woman I used to be. I like that parts of my personality are coming back and that I can start to define myself again. I feel like I didn't really live this year. I endured this year. I spent many many moments crying and almost functioning without thinking, just going through the motions. Sometimes when I think about how I don't have my husband and son anymore, I can't even begin to understand how to make it through this. Honestly, there were many moments when I begged Heavenly Father not to make me go through this anymore. I felt like it would be merciful if I too could join my family. I have never wanted to die, but knowing where my family is makes me so anxious to join them. Choosing to live this life has been so hard. I don't want this life, but I am living it. I am trying to find happiness where I can and gratitude for my blessings. I am truly learning to accept God's will in my life. That has been a struggle for me this whole year.
My testimony has never been challenged so much and yet it has never been stronger. I know that what I believe is true. I know that there is a Savior who came to this earth and who died for us that all mankind can live again. I know that I will see them again. I know that we will be reunited with our loved ones who have passed on, and that because of our Savior, we will live again. I know that our Heavenly Father loves and knows each one of us and that by putting our trust in Him we can endure any trial or test that is put before us. I know that we are here to experience those trials and tests and that if we endure them well we will have eternal life.
I listen to church music in the morning when I get ready for work. I listen to the scriptures on tape when I drive to work and I read them again at night. I start each morning and end each night with a prayer. I am striving to feel the Holy Ghost every day. Those moments when I feel love and peace are the moments I strive for. I feel such a contrasting difference when I feel despair and lack of hope. I think often about faith, hope, and charity. I know that is the way to return to my family again. I go back and forth between having those qualities, but I really am striving to live my life daily where I can have faith in God's plan for me, hope for my life and the time when I can hold my family again, and charity for others who are in need. I am striving for that everyday. It is not easy by any stretch. Everyday it is a choice, a continual choice.
The year mark was very tough. I was with family and friends so it actually made that day very special. We ran a 10k in their memory and spent the day doing things my family would have done. We went to an indoor bounce house in memory of Jace and his love to play. We went to a buffet in memory of Sheldon and his favorite way to eat. We watched a DVD tribute to their lives and released balloons. I felt so much love from everybody. I loved getting on Facebook and my email to see all the messages from my family, friends and even strangers who I have never met. I loved the flowers and gifts and all of the sweet birthday cards that were sent in the mail. I loved that we were celebrating my family on my birthday. That is how I would want to celebrate my birthday. I thought for a long time how terrible it was that they passed away on my birthday, but I actually feel grateful to have so many remembering them on my birthday. That is the best gift anyone could give me.
I feel like the week after my birthday was the hardest. That feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me as I thought about what my week would have been like with my family. I hate being alone. I hate not having Sheldon to talk to and Jace to play with. I hate not having them right next to me. I hate that I didn't get to celebrate with them. Sheldon was planning such a fun birthday celebration for me last year that never happened. We were going to go to the Great Wolf Lodge and spend two days at the indoor water park. I want that life back. I want to go back a year ago and be with them there. We found my birthday cake in Sheldon's car last year that he had bought for me. I found the blank birthday card he never filled out that he had bought for me. Instead of so much fun together, our family experienced the most traumatic events possible. A year later, I am still learning how to live this life without them. I miss my family. I miss them and I love them.
I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me this year. Thank you for the donations, the kindness, the service, the gifts, the kind messages, the prayers, and your love. Thank you for allowing me to see Christ like attributes and the goodness in life. Thank you. I could not have made it through this year without my family, friends, and strangers supporting me.
With love and gratitude,
Julie
My testimony has never been challenged so much and yet it has never been stronger. I know that what I believe is true. I know that there is a Savior who came to this earth and who died for us that all mankind can live again. I know that I will see them again. I know that we will be reunited with our loved ones who have passed on, and that because of our Savior, we will live again. I know that our Heavenly Father loves and knows each one of us and that by putting our trust in Him we can endure any trial or test that is put before us. I know that we are here to experience those trials and tests and that if we endure them well we will have eternal life.
I listen to church music in the morning when I get ready for work. I listen to the scriptures on tape when I drive to work and I read them again at night. I start each morning and end each night with a prayer. I am striving to feel the Holy Ghost every day. Those moments when I feel love and peace are the moments I strive for. I feel such a contrasting difference when I feel despair and lack of hope. I think often about faith, hope, and charity. I know that is the way to return to my family again. I go back and forth between having those qualities, but I really am striving to live my life daily where I can have faith in God's plan for me, hope for my life and the time when I can hold my family again, and charity for others who are in need. I am striving for that everyday. It is not easy by any stretch. Everyday it is a choice, a continual choice.
The year mark was very tough. I was with family and friends so it actually made that day very special. We ran a 10k in their memory and spent the day doing things my family would have done. We went to an indoor bounce house in memory of Jace and his love to play. We went to a buffet in memory of Sheldon and his favorite way to eat. We watched a DVD tribute to their lives and released balloons. I felt so much love from everybody. I loved getting on Facebook and my email to see all the messages from my family, friends and even strangers who I have never met. I loved the flowers and gifts and all of the sweet birthday cards that were sent in the mail. I loved that we were celebrating my family on my birthday. That is how I would want to celebrate my birthday. I thought for a long time how terrible it was that they passed away on my birthday, but I actually feel grateful to have so many remembering them on my birthday. That is the best gift anyone could give me.
I feel like the week after my birthday was the hardest. That feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me as I thought about what my week would have been like with my family. I hate being alone. I hate not having Sheldon to talk to and Jace to play with. I hate not having them right next to me. I hate that I didn't get to celebrate with them. Sheldon was planning such a fun birthday celebration for me last year that never happened. We were going to go to the Great Wolf Lodge and spend two days at the indoor water park. I want that life back. I want to go back a year ago and be with them there. We found my birthday cake in Sheldon's car last year that he had bought for me. I found the blank birthday card he never filled out that he had bought for me. Instead of so much fun together, our family experienced the most traumatic events possible. A year later, I am still learning how to live this life without them. I miss my family. I miss them and I love them.
I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me this year. Thank you for the donations, the kindness, the service, the gifts, the kind messages, the prayers, and your love. Thank you for allowing me to see Christ like attributes and the goodness in life. Thank you. I could not have made it through this year without my family, friends, and strangers supporting me.
With love and gratitude,
Julie
3.16.2013
Madison Wallace
The Wallace Family tragically lost their 16 year-old daughter, Madison, on Thursday. Madison's father is good friends with Sheldon's brother. I am very saddened to learn about this and the loss of their sweet daughter. She died trying to save her brother who fell into a freezing cold river. Her body was recovered, but they are still searching for a bystander who also came to assist in the rescue effort.
Please pray for them and donate if possible. They are in need of help with funeral expenses.
http://www.madisonwallacefund.com/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2293901/Two-missing-jumping-icy-Big-Sioux-River-save-drowning-boy-6.html
Please pray for them and donate if possible. They are in need of help with funeral expenses.
http://www.madisonwallacefund.com/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2293901/Two-missing-jumping-icy-Big-Sioux-River-save-drowning-boy-6.html
3.02.2013
One Year
I was dreading yesterday and that it would be March again. It's very hard for me to wrap my head around that it has been almost a year. I miss them so deeply. We only had 17 days together last March. On my birthday, I kissed them goodbye one last time. I didn't know that would be our last goodbye. I would have held them and never let go if I would have had any idea the events that were to follow.
This year has been the most difficult that I have ever had to live through. In some ways I feel so grateful that I did make it through this year. There were some days, when I didn't know if that was possible. I remember many times being curled in a ball sobbing with such sorrow, that I didn't feel I could possibly get back up again. I have gone through so many emotions. I have felt such deep sorrow, pain, remorse, guilt, sadness, and longing and yet I have also felt such sweet feelings of love and comfort. I have replayed our last minutes, hours, days, weeks months, and years together. As I have thought about our life together, my heart is so full of gratitude for the amazing journey that we experienced. I remember the kisses and the embraces and the happiness of being in the arms of my little family. I remember laughing and smiling with them. I am so thankful for those memories. I am so thankful for a son and a husband that I know I will be reunited with one day.
I think Sheldon and Jace are proud of me for making it through this year. I know I have felt them close to me and I know that they are very close to me, probably more than I know. I love them. I pray everyday for them and how thankful I am for them. The other day I had the thought that the best thing I can give them is to try and live truly happy, to try and have joy again. I know they want that for me. I have been able to smile and to laugh and it feels good. Sheldon was always a jokster and he made me laugh everyday. He was always up to something and I loved that about him. That was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. He was kind, he was thoughtful, and I can only remember a few times him ever saying anything critical of me.
Our little Jace was a perfect little boy. He had the most tender spirit about him and he brought us so much happiness. This year was supposed to be filled with our adventures and I was looking forward to him starting preschool and for all the fun that would come with it. Jace loved his little friends and I know that he would have loved going to school. I have been watching his cousin this year, who is only a few months older than Jace, and seeing all of the milestones that Jace missed. That is tough. Jace would have been started Sunbeams in church and seeing the little Sunbeam classes at church always brings tears to my eyes. The life that I didn't get to watch him live, is heartbreaking. Sheldon would have been on his second year of being an optometrist. We were hoping to adopt another child and were starting to look at houses to buy. Our life together was everything I wanted and more. I was devoted to our family in every way and having that taken from me is something that I am trying to learn to cope with.
This year I think I have made good strides with coping and I do feel that I have much more clarity today than I did even a month ago. Each new day brings new realizations that I can be happy. I have decided that being happy is truly a choice. I am choosing that. This year I moved to Las Vegas, I started teaching, continued working on my master's degree, and I have met some amazing people and continue to be so grateful for my family and friends who have supported me this year. I have started dating too. I don't want to spend this life alone and I don't feel that is God's plan for me. I am very hopeful for a future where I get to share my love with someone as a wife and also share that love again as a mother.
The weekend of the 17th I will be with family. We will remember the lives of my husband and son. I love you dearly and forever Sheldon and Jace.
This year has been the most difficult that I have ever had to live through. In some ways I feel so grateful that I did make it through this year. There were some days, when I didn't know if that was possible. I remember many times being curled in a ball sobbing with such sorrow, that I didn't feel I could possibly get back up again. I have gone through so many emotions. I have felt such deep sorrow, pain, remorse, guilt, sadness, and longing and yet I have also felt such sweet feelings of love and comfort. I have replayed our last minutes, hours, days, weeks months, and years together. As I have thought about our life together, my heart is so full of gratitude for the amazing journey that we experienced. I remember the kisses and the embraces and the happiness of being in the arms of my little family. I remember laughing and smiling with them. I am so thankful for those memories. I am so thankful for a son and a husband that I know I will be reunited with one day.
I think Sheldon and Jace are proud of me for making it through this year. I know I have felt them close to me and I know that they are very close to me, probably more than I know. I love them. I pray everyday for them and how thankful I am for them. The other day I had the thought that the best thing I can give them is to try and live truly happy, to try and have joy again. I know they want that for me. I have been able to smile and to laugh and it feels good. Sheldon was always a jokster and he made me laugh everyday. He was always up to something and I loved that about him. That was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. He was kind, he was thoughtful, and I can only remember a few times him ever saying anything critical of me.
Our little Jace was a perfect little boy. He had the most tender spirit about him and he brought us so much happiness. This year was supposed to be filled with our adventures and I was looking forward to him starting preschool and for all the fun that would come with it. Jace loved his little friends and I know that he would have loved going to school. I have been watching his cousin this year, who is only a few months older than Jace, and seeing all of the milestones that Jace missed. That is tough. Jace would have been started Sunbeams in church and seeing the little Sunbeam classes at church always brings tears to my eyes. The life that I didn't get to watch him live, is heartbreaking. Sheldon would have been on his second year of being an optometrist. We were hoping to adopt another child and were starting to look at houses to buy. Our life together was everything I wanted and more. I was devoted to our family in every way and having that taken from me is something that I am trying to learn to cope with.
This year I think I have made good strides with coping and I do feel that I have much more clarity today than I did even a month ago. Each new day brings new realizations that I can be happy. I have decided that being happy is truly a choice. I am choosing that. This year I moved to Las Vegas, I started teaching, continued working on my master's degree, and I have met some amazing people and continue to be so grateful for my family and friends who have supported me this year. I have started dating too. I don't want to spend this life alone and I don't feel that is God's plan for me. I am very hopeful for a future where I get to share my love with someone as a wife and also share that love again as a mother.
The weekend of the 17th I will be with family. We will remember the lives of my husband and son. I love you dearly and forever Sheldon and Jace.
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