One step forward...

Today I woke up thinking about the last time we took Jace to the zoo.  We rode the merry-go-round and got kettle corn to eat in the car on the way home.  We stopped for dinner at Sheldon's favorite buffet and ate together.  I remember Jace was standing up in the booth at the restaurant smiling at the little girl in the booth next to us.  I remember him sitting on my lap and eating his food.  I remember sitting there with my family with such peace and happiness in my heart.  I am glad when I wake up and the memories flood into my mind.  I really feel that most of the time my defense is to try not to think about it because it is so painful to think about how much I love them and miss them.  I don't want to forget anything about them and yet I have noticed how that with time passing, I do forget things.  I am so grateful I wrote down some thoughts early on right after the accident.

It has been almost ten months.  I don't know how so much time has passed.  How can it be so long since I last told Sheldon I loved him and the last time I held my little boy?  The feeling of loss is so immense and so deep that most of the time I try to push it out.  Then it always catches up with me sooner or later.  Today is one of those days.  I feel in this process I take one step forward and a million steps back.  It's a continual process to try to keep fighting, to try to keep realizing that happiness can be mine if I can take it, and that I can live life.  I will, but it just hurts so bad, most of the time it brings me to my knees in prayer.  I love my little family.  I knew who I was.  I was a wife and a mother.  I was a happy person.  I found such joy in serving my husband and son.  I miss that part so much.  I miss doing things for them and instead just trying to get out of bed and smile is my new normal.

I want to feel like myself again.  I feel so far removed from that person.  When I go to church and feel the spirit I feel that comfort and that sense of being secure.  I am so thankful for my testimony.  I don't think I could have lived through this without that.  I am so thankful for a Savior who loves me and who I have felt put His arms around me when I have been at the lowest point possible.  I am so thankful for a husband and son who I will get to see again.  I am so thankful for our memories and how dear they are to me.  I am so thankful I woke up this morning remembering our trip to the zoo.

I love you Sheldon and Jace    

Jace talked over and over for weeks about the tapir we saw going to the bathroom and the big elephant poop.  Jace was almost potty trained and was very interested in talking all about that kind of stuff.  That makes me smile.