A year has come and gone

A year has come and gone.  In some ways I still can't believe it.  The last few months I have started to feel more like myself again, more like the woman I used to be.  I like that parts of my personality are coming back and that I can start to define myself again.  I feel like I didn't really live this year.  I endured this year.  I spent many many moments crying and almost functioning without thinking, just going through the motions.  Sometimes when I think about how I don't have my husband and son anymore, I can't even begin to understand how to make it through this.  Honestly, there were many moments when I begged Heavenly Father not to make me go through this anymore.  I felt like it would be merciful if I too could join my family.  I have never wanted to die, but knowing where my family is makes me so anxious to join them.  Choosing to live this life has been so hard.  I don't want this life, but I am living it.  I am trying to find happiness where I can and gratitude for my blessings.  I am truly learning to accept God's will in my life.  That has been a struggle for me this whole year.

My testimony has never been challenged so much and yet it has never been stronger.  I know that what I believe is true.  I know that there is a Savior who came to this earth and who died for us that all mankind can live again.  I know that I will see them again.  I know that we will be reunited with our loved ones who have passed on, and that because of our Savior, we will live again.  I know that our Heavenly Father loves and knows each one of us and that by putting our trust in Him we can endure any trial or test that is put before us.  I know that we are here to experience those trials and tests and that if we endure them well we will have eternal life.

I listen to church music in the morning when I get ready for work.  I listen to the scriptures on tape when I drive to work and I read them again at night.  I start each morning and end each night with a prayer.  I am striving to feel the Holy Ghost every day.  Those moments when I feel love and peace are the moments I strive for.  I feel such a contrasting difference when I feel despair and lack of hope.  I think often about faith, hope, and charity.  I know that is the way to return to my family again.  I go back and forth between having those qualities, but I really am striving to live my life daily where I can have faith in God's plan for me, hope for my life and the time when I can hold my family again, and charity for others who are in need.  I am striving for that everyday.  It is not easy by any stretch.  Everyday it is a choice, a continual choice.

The year mark was very tough.  I was with family and friends so it actually made that day very special.  We ran a 10k in their memory and spent the day doing things my family would have done.  We went to an indoor bounce house in memory of Jace and his love to play.  We went to a buffet in memory of Sheldon and his favorite way to eat.  We watched a DVD tribute to their lives and released balloons.  I felt so much love from everybody.  I loved getting on Facebook and my email to see all the messages from my family, friends and even strangers who I have never met.  I loved the flowers and gifts and all of the sweet birthday cards that were sent in the mail.  I loved that we were celebrating my family on my birthday.  That is how I would want to celebrate my birthday.  I thought for a long time how terrible it was that they passed away on my birthday, but I actually feel grateful to have so many remembering them on my birthday.  That is the best gift anyone could give me.

I feel like the week after my birthday was the hardest.  That feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me as I thought about what my week would have been like with my family.  I hate being alone.  I hate not having Sheldon to talk to and Jace to play with.  I hate not having them right next to me.  I hate that I didn't get to celebrate with them.  Sheldon was planning such a fun birthday celebration for me last year that never happened.  We were going to go to the Great Wolf Lodge and spend two days at the indoor water park.  I want that life back.  I want to go back a year ago and be with them there.  We found my birthday cake in Sheldon's car last year that he had bought for me.  I found the blank birthday card he never filled out that he had bought for me.  Instead of so much fun together, our family experienced the most traumatic events possible.   A year later, I am still learning how to live this life without them.  I miss my family.  I miss them and I love them.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me this year.  Thank you for the donations, the kindness, the service, the gifts, the kind messages, the prayers, and your love.  Thank you for allowing me to see Christ like attributes and the goodness in life.  Thank you.  I could not have made it through this year without my family, friends, and strangers supporting me.

With love and gratitude,

Julie