I decided something today. When I go back to school after Christmas break I am finally going to talk to my students about the accident. I have not told them anything. They all know I am going to run a marathon in January, but I decided it's time to tell them why. I also decided that it's time to open my blog up again. I have been blogging a few times a month since I made my blog private in August. I didn't add anyone except a few close friends and family so not many have been reading what I have been blogging, but I do feel it's okay to make this blog open again.
So here it goes... :)
12.17.2012
Nine Months Ago
Nine months ago I was with Jace. Sheldon had already left for the gym and then was headed to work. We were planning on going to our church party that night for dinner. Sheldon had planned a fun overnighter the next night to the Great Wolf Lodge for my birthday. We were going to spend all day Monday at the hotel and playing at the water park. Jace and I had cupcakes after breakfast that morning, my birthday. I had made chocolate cupcakes the night before and Jace was begging for them the next morning. I thought we shouldn't at first, but then I decided that since it was my birthday we should eat some together. We sat and ate chocolate cupcakes with green sprinkles together after breakfast. It was a sunny day and I was looking forward to all the birthday celebrations Sheldon had planned for me. I remember when I put Jace down for nap, I laid down with him in his new "big boy" bed until he fell asleep. I think I might have fallen asleep for about 20 minutes too. I remember how he looked laying in that big bed with his Angry Bird sheets. I remember looking at him with so much love and joy. I miss my little baby boy so much. I used to ask him if he was a "big boy" or a "baby" and most of the time he would say he was "mommy's baby." I remember what it feels like to carry him and how empty my arms feel now. I remember when Sheldon came home and he gave me a hug and a kiss to wish me a Happy Birthday. I remember eating chips and guacamole with him and him talking about how he wanted to start training for another marathon and I was talking to Sheldon about starting to plan our vacation to Disney World. I didn't realize those would be our last hours together.
It has been nine months. I have slowly felt the haze around me start to lift a little bit at a time. Yesterday I realized that there was actually a light in my closet. I have been living in my new condo for six months and that was the first time I noticed that. I haven't really noticed anything really, other than my own sadness and trying to come to terms with what happened. So many people have done so much for me and my heart is so full of gratitude. I wish that I could in some small way repay that. I realize that is something I will do as I live the rest of this life and try to help others who are grieving their loved ones.
Grief is very tough, probably the toughest thing I can ever imagine. It hurts, it's very raw, and it doesn't go away. There are constant reminders all around me of them. I finally realized I am glad that I feel that way, because it keeps me connected to them. Earlier this month, Jace would have turned 3 1/2. That was tough. Thinking about missing his third birthday and then six months past that, that is too long not to have my son. I've ached and longed to join them, but I realize that is not my decision to make. I am realizing that maybe it is time to start building a new life, a life where I can smile and have new hopes. A life that involves me getting to love someone again and not being alone. I hate being alone. It feels good for a moment when I am overwhelmed with sadness and then after that I realize that I don't want to live like this. I hope I won't.
Next month I am running the Disney World Marathon in honor of Sheldon and Jace. I am happy to remember my family and do something that means so much.
I love you Sheldon and Jace
It has been nine months. I have slowly felt the haze around me start to lift a little bit at a time. Yesterday I realized that there was actually a light in my closet. I have been living in my new condo for six months and that was the first time I noticed that. I haven't really noticed anything really, other than my own sadness and trying to come to terms with what happened. So many people have done so much for me and my heart is so full of gratitude. I wish that I could in some small way repay that. I realize that is something I will do as I live the rest of this life and try to help others who are grieving their loved ones.
Grief is very tough, probably the toughest thing I can ever imagine. It hurts, it's very raw, and it doesn't go away. There are constant reminders all around me of them. I finally realized I am glad that I feel that way, because it keeps me connected to them. Earlier this month, Jace would have turned 3 1/2. That was tough. Thinking about missing his third birthday and then six months past that, that is too long not to have my son. I've ached and longed to join them, but I realize that is not my decision to make. I am realizing that maybe it is time to start building a new life, a life where I can smile and have new hopes. A life that involves me getting to love someone again and not being alone. I hate being alone. It feels good for a moment when I am overwhelmed with sadness and then after that I realize that I don't want to live like this. I hope I won't.
Next month I am running the Disney World Marathon in honor of Sheldon and Jace. I am happy to remember my family and do something that means so much.
I love you Sheldon and Jace
12.01.2012
Last Month of 2012
As I think about 2012 coming to a close I have lots of emotions. 2012 was the worst year of my life. I was only able to spend two and a half months of this year with my family before they were taken away from me. I have spent most of this year broken, sad, and struggling to get through each day. The term "living a day at a time" has never been so real. Most of the time that is all I can do.
I have learned so much the past eight months. I have learned that Sheldon was everything to me. He provided, cared, loved, supported, and was everything I wanted in a husband and a father for Jace. We were happy for ten years. Yes, we had our struggles, but mostly we were just happy. We loved each other and we were a team in every sense. We loved watching Jace develop and grow up. I was completely devoted to Sheldon, and we were going to spend this life together. Our Bishop in Washington had told me that he had plans of calling Sheldon in the Bishopric, we were looking at houses to buy, Sheldon's optometry practice was becoming successful, and we were very hopeful for another child to join our family through adoption. Thinking about those plans, that life, is so extremely heart wrenching. Our 10th anniversary was on the 23rd. It was hard to have that day come and go without him.
Instead of living that life the last eight months, I have been living a day-to-day existence trying to just live. I finally decided that if I could just make it through the day, I was successful. I do want 2012 to be over in a sense that I do feel a need to start creating a new path for myself. I don't want it to be over because most of my memories with Sheldon and Jace are now almost over a year ago. I don't like it being so long since I last hugged and kissed them.
I have learned that motherhood is beautiful. I already knew that, but having it given to me and then taken away in such a short time has really taught me that what I did for 33 months was a sacred experience. I remember one day when I was playing with Jace, just an ordinary day, and thinking how deep a mother's love truly is. I love my little Jace. I miss him. I miss taking care of him. I miss putting putting his jacket on him, helping him put on his shoes, and taking him with me everywhere I go. I miss reading him stories and helping him brush his teeth. I miss his sweet little kisses and having him tell me he loves me. I miss hearing his sweet little voice. There is one video I have of him saying, "Bye-bye Mommy" and I listen to it over and over again just to hear him say "Mommy" to me.
I have learned that the gospel is true. I have never had a stronger testimony of our Savior and the Plan of Salvation. I have received many comforting feelings from the Holy Ghost, and I know that Heavenly Father is very aware of me and loves me. I know that I have been watched over, protected, guided, and cared for by many these past eight months who have been inspired to help me, send me a note, a phone call, or do something kind for me. I have been on the receiving end of so much service. I have seen Christ like love and I do want to return that love to others. I have decided that it will take me time before I am fully functioning at any capacity like I used to. I have decided to be compassionate with myself, and act and do what I feel my limits are. It has been hard to know how I used to be, and realize that it will take time before I am ever that person again.
I have learned to be patient with myself. I have learned that the grief I have will always be there. I love looking at pictures of our family together. To me, that is true happiness. I know who I was in those pictures, that I was truly happy, and that it will take time before I can feel that again. I have been dating and that has been something new to get used to. I'm not sure if it's too early in this process to be doing that, but I have learned to trust myself and my feelings. I do feel that I am very hopeful for happiness again. I'm trying to find that happiness again on my own, but having had such a successful marriage and family, I realize that companionship and love is something that adds to life. I don't want to live this life alone, and I don't think I will.
I have learned what it truly means to rely on the faith. Sheldon and I learned that lesson while waiting for Jace to come to our family. I have truly learned to put my faith and trust in Heavenly Father. I realize that I have to. I simply cannot survive this without having faith and hope. When I start to feel down, and that is a daily thing, I try to turn my thinking to the fact that Heavenly Father must have a plan for me. He loves me and so do Sheldon and Jace. They are very close to me, probably closer than I know or can understand. One day this life will be over and I will be with them. I want them to smile when they see what I am doing. I want them to be happy and I know they want me to feel that way too.
I'm trying Sheldon and Jace. I will try everyday until I am in your arms again.
I have learned so much the past eight months. I have learned that Sheldon was everything to me. He provided, cared, loved, supported, and was everything I wanted in a husband and a father for Jace. We were happy for ten years. Yes, we had our struggles, but mostly we were just happy. We loved each other and we were a team in every sense. We loved watching Jace develop and grow up. I was completely devoted to Sheldon, and we were going to spend this life together. Our Bishop in Washington had told me that he had plans of calling Sheldon in the Bishopric, we were looking at houses to buy, Sheldon's optometry practice was becoming successful, and we were very hopeful for another child to join our family through adoption. Thinking about those plans, that life, is so extremely heart wrenching. Our 10th anniversary was on the 23rd. It was hard to have that day come and go without him.
Instead of living that life the last eight months, I have been living a day-to-day existence trying to just live. I finally decided that if I could just make it through the day, I was successful. I do want 2012 to be over in a sense that I do feel a need to start creating a new path for myself. I don't want it to be over because most of my memories with Sheldon and Jace are now almost over a year ago. I don't like it being so long since I last hugged and kissed them.
I have learned that motherhood is beautiful. I already knew that, but having it given to me and then taken away in such a short time has really taught me that what I did for 33 months was a sacred experience. I remember one day when I was playing with Jace, just an ordinary day, and thinking how deep a mother's love truly is. I love my little Jace. I miss him. I miss taking care of him. I miss putting putting his jacket on him, helping him put on his shoes, and taking him with me everywhere I go. I miss reading him stories and helping him brush his teeth. I miss his sweet little kisses and having him tell me he loves me. I miss hearing his sweet little voice. There is one video I have of him saying, "Bye-bye Mommy" and I listen to it over and over again just to hear him say "Mommy" to me.
I have learned that the gospel is true. I have never had a stronger testimony of our Savior and the Plan of Salvation. I have received many comforting feelings from the Holy Ghost, and I know that Heavenly Father is very aware of me and loves me. I know that I have been watched over, protected, guided, and cared for by many these past eight months who have been inspired to help me, send me a note, a phone call, or do something kind for me. I have been on the receiving end of so much service. I have seen Christ like love and I do want to return that love to others. I have decided that it will take me time before I am fully functioning at any capacity like I used to. I have decided to be compassionate with myself, and act and do what I feel my limits are. It has been hard to know how I used to be, and realize that it will take time before I am ever that person again.
I have learned to be patient with myself. I have learned that the grief I have will always be there. I love looking at pictures of our family together. To me, that is true happiness. I know who I was in those pictures, that I was truly happy, and that it will take time before I can feel that again. I have been dating and that has been something new to get used to. I'm not sure if it's too early in this process to be doing that, but I have learned to trust myself and my feelings. I do feel that I am very hopeful for happiness again. I'm trying to find that happiness again on my own, but having had such a successful marriage and family, I realize that companionship and love is something that adds to life. I don't want to live this life alone, and I don't think I will.
I have learned what it truly means to rely on the faith. Sheldon and I learned that lesson while waiting for Jace to come to our family. I have truly learned to put my faith and trust in Heavenly Father. I realize that I have to. I simply cannot survive this without having faith and hope. When I start to feel down, and that is a daily thing, I try to turn my thinking to the fact that Heavenly Father must have a plan for me. He loves me and so do Sheldon and Jace. They are very close to me, probably closer than I know or can understand. One day this life will be over and I will be with them. I want them to smile when they see what I am doing. I want them to be happy and I know they want me to feel that way too.
I'm trying Sheldon and Jace. I will try everyday until I am in your arms again.
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