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Jace was born in June of 2009.  Almost all of the holidays we were able to celebrate three of them with Jace.  We celebrated three Halloweens together and three Christmases together.  Easter and Jace's birthday make me feel so sad because we only had two of them together as a family.  The last Easter I celebrated with my family was in 2011.  Jace was almost two and we had so much fun hiding eggs for him to find.  After he found them all he asked to play it again.  We spent the next few weeks playing the hide the Easter egg game.  He didn't really mind that there wasn't anything in them.  My heart aches for the life we didn't get to live together.  I know we would have had such a fun Easter with Jace at Lake Limerick.  We would have had a great summer too.  I miss just being with my family and having fun together.  Jace and I were always going on little adventures and we were even more excited if Sheldon could join us for them.

It's tough knowing it will be two Easters without them.  For a long time I felt so sad thinking about our memories together, but I finally decided I am not sad about our memories.  I am so incredibly thankful for them and what they mean to me.  I am so thankful that I took so many pictures and that I have a husband and a son who I was able to live such a happy life with.  I feel them close often, and I am so thankful for that.  I miss not living my life now with them and all that we had together.

This might sound crazy, but I have been avoiding the grocery store at all costs.  Every time I go in there I get so sad that I am shopping just for me.  I used to plan out the meals for the month and make out weekly shopping lists.  I made dinner for Sheldon and Jace every night.  I loved taking care of them and having our family sit down together for a meal.  I loved it when Sheldon was finally home and we could all be together.  Those are moments that are so dear to me.  The other day I actually planned out what I wanted to make for meals, went to the grocery store and made it through without being too sad.  That might sound very simple, but to me it was a step showing that I am becoming more like myself again.  A year later, I am finally able to do that.

I'm starting to experience the second time around with holidays and life without Sheldon and Jace.  The second time hurts just as much as the first.  I think I am more equipped to deal with it though.  That ache and missing them will never go away.  It is always there but that desire to live a more full life, one where I can be happy and feel more like myself is there too though.  I hope I can keep doing things to move forward.

Happy Easter Sheldon and Jace.  I am so thankful for our Savior and what that means for our family.