Trying to Remember

Jace's full name is Jace Sheldon Olsen.  When I would ask him his name he would say, "Jace Daddy Olsen."  Sure missing Jace and his daddy today.

One step forward...

Today I woke up thinking about the last time we took Jace to the zoo.  We rode the merry-go-round and got kettle corn to eat in the car on the way home.  We stopped for dinner at Sheldon's favorite buffet and ate together.  I remember Jace was standing up in the booth at the restaurant smiling at the little girl in the booth next to us.  I remember him sitting on my lap and eating his food.  I remember sitting there with my family with such peace and happiness in my heart.  I am glad when I wake up and the memories flood into my mind.  I really feel that most of the time my defense is to try not to think about it because it is so painful to think about how much I love them and miss them.  I don't want to forget anything about them and yet I have noticed how that with time passing, I do forget things.  I am so grateful I wrote down some thoughts early on right after the accident.

It has been almost ten months.  I don't know how so much time has passed.  How can it be so long since I last told Sheldon I loved him and the last time I held my little boy?  The feeling of loss is so immense and so deep that most of the time I try to push it out.  Then it always catches up with me sooner or later.  Today is one of those days.  I feel in this process I take one step forward and a million steps back.  It's a continual process to try to keep fighting, to try to keep realizing that happiness can be mine if I can take it, and that I can live life.  I will, but it just hurts so bad, most of the time it brings me to my knees in prayer.  I love my little family.  I knew who I was.  I was a wife and a mother.  I was a happy person.  I found such joy in serving my husband and son.  I miss that part so much.  I miss doing things for them and instead just trying to get out of bed and smile is my new normal.

I want to feel like myself again.  I feel so far removed from that person.  When I go to church and feel the spirit I feel that comfort and that sense of being secure.  I am so thankful for my testimony.  I don't think I could have lived through this without that.  I am so thankful for a Savior who loves me and who I have felt put His arms around me when I have been at the lowest point possible.  I am so thankful for a husband and son who I will get to see again.  I am so thankful for our memories and how dear they are to me.  I am so thankful I woke up this morning remembering our trip to the zoo.

I love you Sheldon and Jace    

Jace talked over and over for weeks about the tapir we saw going to the bathroom and the big elephant poop.  Jace was almost potty trained and was very interested in talking all about that kind of stuff.  That makes me smile.    

Love you Sheldon

Daddy lets me get dirty and have fun

Daddy takes me for walks outside

Daddy is a hard worker

Daddy plays with me

Daddy gets money for us

Daddy is always nice to mommy

Daddy takes good care of us

Mommy thinks daddy is cute

Daddy gives me hugs

Daddy is nice to me

Daddy jumps on the trampoline with me

Daddy teaches me things

Mommy & Jace love daddy

I was just looking at our pictures from 2012.  I was looking at our Valentine's Day pictures and Jace helped me to think of things that we love about Sheldon.  I wrote them down on hearts and we taped them onto our window.  Jace decorated a few hearts too.  Jace could hardly wait until Sheldon came home from work to show him what we had done.  I just wanted to record what Jace and I thought of together so that I can always remember.  I hope Sheldon can see this list too and know that I love him so much.  

Miss You Too

I love my little family so much.  I miss them every moment of every day.  I keep wondering why someone would have to endure having their entire family taken away.  I'm not sure I will ever have the answer to that question.  It hurts so much.  I had a wonderful decade with my husband, and such a happy and joyous time becoming a mother to our little Jace.  Sheldon worked as an optometrist at walmart and Jace and I used to go to walmart a lot.  We would stop by and say hi to Sheldon and Jace would always ask to go and see the fish.  We would go look at the goldfish and then I would run and push the shopping cart through the aisles.  Jace would laugh and tell me to go faster.  I always thought people were probably looking at me funny, because I was the optometrist's wife, and I was running through walmart with Jace in the cart.  Thinking of Jace laughing while I was doing that makes me smile.  Jace was my buddy and we did everything together.  I remember the last time we went to the park and how much fun we had together.  I played with him and I remember how I was thinking I would like to sit down and watch him, but I decided to play with him instead.  I am so glad I played with him that much and I can always have that memory of our last time at the park.  I really wish I could scoop him up and give him a big hug.  I could use one of those big hugs right now.  Whenever I was gone and I would come back, Jace would always say, "Miss you too Mommy."  He would snuggle me.  I miss those snuggles so much.  There are still milk stains from Jace's sippy cup leaking on the seat in my car.  I just don't think I can ever clean that off.  Jace would always poke his fork into the dining room table and Sheldon would always tell him not to do that.  I am so grateful for those little fork marks on the table.  I love them.  It reminds me of happy times.  Those little things that might have seemed irritating at the time are some of the things I treasure the most.  It's proof to me that our life was real.

I was looking at our first and our last family pictures.  Sheldon and I really grew up together and learned a lot about life along the way.  We learned to deal with infertility and all the aspects that go along with it.  We became closer as a couple and grew stronger through that trial.  We loved our little boy and being his parents.  Sometimes when I see people getting upset at their kids I wish they could feel for a brief moment what I feel, and how all those little things that are so difficult don't really matter all that much.  I wish in ten years from now I could see another family picture and how we had all changed.  I am grieving so much for the life we didn't get to live, but my heart is so full of gratitude for the life that we did live, and it was a good life.  "Miss you too Sheldon and Jace."            

Utah

I have been in Utah for almost a week.  I've been enjoying being with Sheldon's family and sharing lots of memories with them.  Last weekend we went camping with his mom and step-dad and all of Sheldon's siblings.  I love them all so much and I am so grateful for them.  We all missed Sheldon and Jace so much.  I would have loved to have them next to me.  I know Jace would have loved the salamanders we found and the crawfish we caught.  I could just imagine how much he would have loved sleeping in a tent, since he would have probably forgot from last summer.  I was able to watch all of his cousins have fun together and Jace would have been so happy to be there with them.  Watching all of Sheldon's siblings together made me so sad to know that Sheldon was not there with them.  He loved his brothers and sisters and was always talking about them and what they were up to.  Him and his older brother Lance would have been teasing Mathew, their little brother, and playing jokes the whole time.  Sheldon would have loved being on that camp out.

This week I have been in Utah spending more time with Sheldon's family.  I have felt very close to Sheldon this week.  I am so grateful that the cemetery is close to where they live so that when I come I can visit them and visit Sheldon's family too.  His family is very much a part of me and who I am.  Yesterday we went to visit Sheldon's Mor Mor (that's Danish for Grandma) and it was so nice to see her.  She forgets a lot of things and goes in and out of remembering who people are.  During our visit she would remember Sheldon and she knew that he had passed.  She did not remember Jace.  She had only seen him a few times.  She said she knew I was sad because I missed Sheldon.  She said her time was coming soon when she would be with her husband again.  She's been waiting a long time for that reunion.  She lived that time without her husband, with charity and love for those around her.  We spent many Sundays at her house when she would serve us dinner.  She called Sheldon her little skat (that's sweetheart in Danish) and would always tell him how proud she was of him.  She would never get mad at Sheldon for sneaking food before the prayer and in her eyes Sheldon could do no wrong.  I am here until the end of the week.  On Saturday I'm running a 10k with my friend Heather.  Two of my sisters-in-law are running the 5k.  Saturday night we are going to light some fireworks for Pioneer Day in honor of Sheldon.  He loved fireworks and always got so excited about them.  I'm looking forward to that and I'm glad I'm here having these experiences with his family.  I think Sheldon is too.

Things I Miss

This summer has been very different.  I am used to being a mom and a wife.  I am used to spending my day taking care of my little boy and enjoying my husband.  I am used to thinking of fun things to do and spending all my time with them.  I remember the moment, the first week, after they passed when I realized I wasn't going to be Jace's mom or Sheldon's wife anymore during this life time.  The impact of that hit me full force and I am still trying to come to terms with it.  I am grieving all aspects of having those roles taken away from me.  I am trying to be strong, but the realization of what that means for me and my future really takes me to my knees and most of the time I am pleading with Heavenly Father to help me endure such heartache.  I was looking at pictures of last June and how much different my summer is this year.  We were at my parent's house and this week a year ago, we were getting ready to move to Washington.  We had so many hopes for what that move would mean for us, and while Sheldon did get to enjoy his profession for six months, those hopes were just beginning to be realized before they were taken away.  I will never feel I had enough time with them and I will always be wishing I was with them.  I am trying to find things to smile about each day and I realize that the longing I have for them will always be there.  That is something I am trying to get used to, but it is very painful most of the time.  I will try everyday and hopefully they can watch when the days are good for me, and smile when they see me smiling. 

Last June           

Playing with sparklers

 Relaxing together

 Thomas & Friends show

 Movie time with lots of popcorn and his favorite blankets, a favorite summer activity for our family

 Playing with cousins

 Playing at the spray park

Zoo visit with cousins

A Fun Memory

I was just remembering about our sleep over on the trampoline and how excited Jace was for it. We got flashlights and lots of blankets. We only made it outside until 3am since it got so cold and that was summer time in Washington.  I'm so grateful I have so many fun memories like this one.  I love you Sheldon and Jace.

Memory Blog

If you have memories or pictures of Sheldon and Jace I would love to put them on the blog www.jaceandsheldon.blogspot.com.  You can email them to me at jaceandsheldon@gmail.com.  I would love to be able to go there and read them.