4th Birthday

Happy 4th Birthday little Jace.  I miss you and love you.

"I am a child of God and He has called me home.
My earthly journey's through but still, I do not walk alone.
He leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way.
He welcomed me with open arms, I live with Him today.

I am a child of God and I have gone ahead.
My earthly life was brief but oh, such peace and love you gave.
You loved me, held me, stood beside me and though I cannot stay.
You gave me so much to help me and I live with Him today.

I am a child of God and I will wait for you.
Celestial glory shall be ours, if you can but endure.
I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you. Help you find the way.
I'll welcome you with open arms, one bright Celestial day."
--Donna Kulliard.

Almost a Year

I can't believe that almost a year has passed since I lost them.  I miss Sheldon and Jace every second of every day.  There are always constant reminders of them and I am always thinking about them.  I think they are probably always thinking about me too.  Today I feel so full of gratitude.  I feel so blessed that I had such a wonderful decade with an amazing man.  I feel so blessed I was able to be a mother to our little Jace.  I feel so blessed to be part of an eternal family and for the sealing promises.  I can't wait to hold them again.

The last ten months have really been a blur.  I can only remember parts of this last year and the rest seems like endless days of crying and sadness.  The other day one of my students asked me to help him untie a knot in his shoelace.  It made me feel like crying thinking about how much I wish I was doing that for Jace.  I think everyday how much I miss taking care of them.  I miss all of it.  I have such a longing in my heart and a tremendous ache to be with them again.  I miss being in Sheldon's arms.  I miss talking to him and laughing with him.  I miss him.

I have been trying to live a new life.  This last year I moved into my own place, started teaching again, have been working on my master's program, ran a marathon, and I have also started dating.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  My natural instinct is to stay in my bed and never get out.  I fight that everyday.  I really could stay there everyday and never get out.  I start everyday listening to church music or conference talks and with a prayer.  I listen to the scriptures when I am driving to work.  I try to have positive self-talk.  It's not easy.  Some days it works and other days I am a mess.  Some days I am strong and some days I can't even fathom how to live through this.  I really miss being happy.  I am normally a very happy person and not having that has been so hard.  I want to feel happy.  I want to feel joy.  I think Sheldon and Jace want that for me too.

I decided to set a goal to run another marathon.  My friend, Heather, and I are going to try to get into the St. George Marathon in the fall.  I'm looking forward to more running and more healing.

I love you Sheldon and Jace.

Lucky Dog

Lucky was our Basset Hound that Sheldon gave to me the second year we were married.  Our second Christmas he gave me a coupon saying I could pick out any dog that I wanted.  I picked out Lucky and he was with us for most of our marriage.  We took Lucky from Utah to Oregon and then to Washington.  We even managed to keep him during our year long rotations thanks to family helpers.  In 2011 Lucky got a lump on his paw that was cancerous.  We decided to keep him around as long as he seemed happy and could function normally.  I was sad to see our dog get sick and could see that walking was getting more and more difficult.

Jace loved his doggy.  Jace and Lucky were buddies.  Jace didn't know how to whistle, but he would always do a pretend whistle and hit his hands on his thighs to try and get Lucky to come to him.  When Jace was a baby he learned very quickly how fun it was to throw his food to Lucky and that was a constant power struggle we had for a long time.  :)  As Jace got older he learned to keep his food from Lucky because he didn't want it snatched away.  We loved our Lucky dog.  He was part of our family for almost as long as we were together.  I knew Lucky was very sick and after the funeral I just didn't think I could handle watching Lucky die too.  Sheldon's cousin's family took Lucky and he spent his last few months with a little boy who loved him as much as Jace did.  Lucky had to be put down because his cancer spread to his other paws.  I'm grateful I didn't have to make that decision and that I can remember our Jace and his doggy, Lucky, running and playing together.  I think they probably still are.  

One step forward...

Today I woke up thinking about the last time we took Jace to the zoo.  We rode the merry-go-round and got kettle corn to eat in the car on the way home.  We stopped for dinner at Sheldon's favorite buffet and ate together.  I remember Jace was standing up in the booth at the restaurant smiling at the little girl in the booth next to us.  I remember him sitting on my lap and eating his food.  I remember sitting there with my family with such peace and happiness in my heart.  I am glad when I wake up and the memories flood into my mind.  I really feel that most of the time my defense is to try not to think about it because it is so painful to think about how much I love them and miss them.  I don't want to forget anything about them and yet I have noticed how that with time passing, I do forget things.  I am so grateful I wrote down some thoughts early on right after the accident.

It has been almost ten months.  I don't know how so much time has passed.  How can it be so long since I last told Sheldon I loved him and the last time I held my little boy?  The feeling of loss is so immense and so deep that most of the time I try to push it out.  Then it always catches up with me sooner or later.  Today is one of those days.  I feel in this process I take one step forward and a million steps back.  It's a continual process to try to keep fighting, to try to keep realizing that happiness can be mine if I can take it, and that I can live life.  I will, but it just hurts so bad, most of the time it brings me to my knees in prayer.  I love my little family.  I knew who I was.  I was a wife and a mother.  I was a happy person.  I found such joy in serving my husband and son.  I miss that part so much.  I miss doing things for them and instead just trying to get out of bed and smile is my new normal.

I want to feel like myself again.  I feel so far removed from that person.  When I go to church and feel the spirit I feel that comfort and that sense of being secure.  I am so thankful for my testimony.  I don't think I could have lived through this without that.  I am so thankful for a Savior who loves me and who I have felt put His arms around me when I have been at the lowest point possible.  I am so thankful for a husband and son who I will get to see again.  I am so thankful for our memories and how dear they are to me.  I am so thankful I woke up this morning remembering our trip to the zoo.

I love you Sheldon and Jace    

Jace talked over and over for weeks about the tapir we saw going to the bathroom and the big elephant poop.  Jace was almost potty trained and was very interested in talking all about that kind of stuff.  That makes me smile.    

Nine Months Ago

Nine months ago I was with Jace.  Sheldon had already left for the gym and then was headed to work.  We were planning on going to our church party that night for dinner.  Sheldon had planned a fun overnighter the next night to the Great Wolf Lodge for my birthday.  We were going to spend all day Monday at the hotel and playing at the water park.  Jace and I had cupcakes after breakfast that morning, my birthday.  I had made chocolate cupcakes the night before and Jace was begging for them the next morning.  I thought we shouldn't at first, but then I decided that since it was my birthday we should eat some together.  We sat and ate chocolate cupcakes with green sprinkles together after breakfast.  It was a sunny day and I was looking forward to all the birthday celebrations Sheldon had planned for me.  I remember when I put Jace down for nap, I laid down with him in his new "big boy" bed until he fell asleep.  I think I might have fallen asleep for about 20 minutes too.  I remember how he looked laying in that big bed with his Angry Bird sheets.  I remember looking at him with so much love and joy.  I miss my little baby boy so much.  I used to ask him if he was a "big boy" or a "baby" and most of the time he would say he was "mommy's baby."  I remember what it feels like to carry him and how empty my arms feel now.  I remember when Sheldon came home and he gave me a hug and a kiss to wish me a Happy Birthday.  I remember eating chips and guacamole with him and him talking about how he wanted to start training for another marathon and I was talking to Sheldon about starting to plan our vacation to Disney World.  I didn't realize those would be our last hours together.

It has been nine months.  I have slowly felt the haze around me start to lift a little bit at a time.  Yesterday I realized that there was actually a light in my closet.  I have been living in my new condo for six months and that was the first time I noticed that.  I haven't really noticed anything really, other than my own sadness and trying to come to terms with what happened.  So many people have done so much for me and my heart is so full of gratitude.  I wish that I could in some small way repay that.  I realize that is something I will do as I live the rest of this life and try to help others who are grieving their loved ones.

Grief is very tough, probably the toughest thing I can ever imagine.  It hurts, it's very raw, and it doesn't go away.  There are constant reminders all around me of them.  I finally realized I am glad that I feel that way, because it keeps me connected to them.  Earlier this month, Jace would have turned 3 1/2.  That was tough. Thinking about missing his third birthday and then six months past that, that is too long not to have my son.  I've ached and longed to join them, but I realize that is not my decision to make.  I am realizing that maybe it is time to start building a new life, a life where I can smile and have new hopes.  A life that involves me getting to love someone again and not being alone.  I hate being alone.  It feels good for a moment when I am overwhelmed with sadness and then after that I realize that I don't want to live like this.  I hope I won't.

Next month I am running the Disney World Marathon in honor of Sheldon and Jace.  I am happy to remember my family and do something that means so much.

I love you Sheldon and Jace

    

Last Month of 2012

As I think about 2012 coming to a close I have lots of emotions.  2012 was the worst year of my life.  I was only able to spend two and a half months of this year with my family before they were taken away from me.  I have spent most of this year broken, sad, and struggling to get through each day.  The term "living a day at a time" has never been so real.  Most of the time that is all I can do.

I have learned so much the past eight months.  I have learned that Sheldon was everything to me.  He provided, cared, loved, supported, and was everything I wanted in a husband and a father for Jace.  We were happy for ten years.  Yes, we had our struggles, but mostly we were just happy.  We loved each other and we were a team in every sense.  We loved watching Jace develop and grow up.  I was completely devoted to Sheldon, and we were going to spend this life together.  Our Bishop in Washington had told me that he had plans of calling Sheldon in the Bishopric, we were looking at houses to buy, Sheldon's optometry practice was becoming successful, and we were very hopeful for another child to join our family through adoption.  Thinking about those plans, that life, is so extremely heart wrenching.  Our 10th anniversary was on the 23rd.  It was hard to have that day come and go without him.

Instead of living that life the last eight months, I have been living a day-to-day existence trying to just live.  I finally decided that if I could just make it through the day, I was successful.  I do want 2012 to be over in a sense that I do feel a need to start creating a new path for myself.  I don't want it to be over because most of my memories with Sheldon and Jace are now almost over a year ago.  I don't like it being so long since I last hugged and kissed them.

I have learned that motherhood is beautiful.  I already knew that, but having it given to me and then taken away in such a short time has really taught me that what I did for 33 months was a sacred experience.    I remember one day when I was playing with Jace, just an ordinary day, and thinking how deep a mother's love truly is.  I love my little Jace.  I miss him.  I miss taking care of him.  I miss putting putting his jacket on him, helping him put on his shoes, and taking him with me everywhere I go.  I miss reading him stories and helping him brush his teeth.  I miss his sweet little kisses and having him tell me he loves me.  I miss hearing his sweet little voice.  There is one video I have of him saying, "Bye-bye Mommy" and I listen to it over and over again just to hear him say "Mommy" to me.

I have learned that the gospel is true.  I have never had a stronger testimony of our Savior and the Plan of Salvation.  I have received many comforting feelings from the Holy Ghost, and I know that Heavenly Father is very aware of me and loves me.  I know that I have been watched over, protected, guided, and cared for by many these past eight months who have been inspired to help me, send me a note, a phone call, or do something kind for me.  I have been on the receiving end of so much service.  I have seen Christ like love and I do want to return that love to others.  I have decided that it will take me time before I am fully functioning at any capacity like I used to.  I have decided to be compassionate with myself, and act and do what I feel my limits are.  It has been hard to know how I used to be, and realize that it will take time before I am ever that person again.

I have learned to be patient with myself.  I have learned that the grief I have will always be there.  I love looking at pictures of our family together.  To me, that is true happiness.  I know who I was in those pictures, that I was truly happy, and that it will take time before I can feel that again.  I have been dating and that has been something new to get used to.  I'm not sure if it's too early in this process to be doing that, but I have learned to trust myself and my feelings.  I do feel that I am very hopeful for happiness again.  I'm trying to find that happiness again on my own, but having had such a successful marriage and family, I realize that companionship and love is something that adds to life.  I don't want to live this life alone, and I don't think I will.

I have learned what it truly means to rely on the faith.  Sheldon and I learned that lesson while waiting for Jace to come to our family.  I have truly learned to put my faith and trust in Heavenly Father.  I realize that I have to.  I simply cannot survive this without having faith and hope.  When I start to feel down, and that is a daily thing, I try to turn my thinking to the fact that Heavenly Father must have a plan for me.  He loves me and so do Sheldon and Jace.  They are very close to me, probably closer than I know or can understand.  One day this life will be over and I will be with them.  I want them to smile when they see what I am doing.  I want them to be happy and I know they want me to feel that way too.

I'm trying Sheldon and Jace.  I will try everyday until I am in your arms again.

 

Counting Time

This morning I woke up and realized it has been exactly eight months since I had to say goodbye to Sheldon and Jace.  I miss them so much.  I got up and ran a 10k this morning with my friend Heather.  As I was running I was thinking a lot about Sheldon and how much I miss him.  I was thinking about my little boy.  I miss wrapping my arms around them.  I miss them.  It hurts.  Every day I wake up and I have to decide to be happy.  I have been listening to church music and the scriptures when I get ready and drive to work.  I figure that I need all the spiritual boosts I can get.  Relying on my faith has truly helped me at moments when I didn't think it was possible to keep moving forward.  I am so thankful for the knowledge of our Savior, who has made it possible for us to return to him.

2 Nephi 4:26 
"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions."

1 Nephi 21:16 

"Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me."

These two scriptures really stood out to me this week.  I am thankful for a Savior who is merciful and loves us.  I am thankful for the knowledge that because of my Savior, I can return to my family again.

I used to count time in a much different way.  I used to count the months for how old Jace was.  I remember when he was eight months old.  He hadn't learned to crawl yet, but was getting very close.  He was such a sweet little boy.  I miss counting time by how old he would be and instead I am counting how long I have been without them.  Most of the time this doesn't seem fair.  I should be with them.  Learning to trust in God's plan for me is something I am learning more and more about each and every day.  I miss my family terribly.  I will never stop missing them.  Starting a new life, so to speak, is difficult, but I do realize that is one of the only ways I can make it through this.  I am trying.  

I love you Sheldon and Jace. 

  

32

Today Sheldon would have turned 32.  It was a tough day.  Getting out of bed was tough.  Last year we had the best birthday celebration together.  We went to the Washington coast and stayed overnight in a hotel.  We got pizza, swam, played at the beach, and just enjoyed being together.  Sheldon told me that was his most favorite birthday.  That was a beautiful day. I miss my husband.  I miss having that companionship and that safe place that was always in his arms.

I love you Sheldon, so much.  I tried to think how you would want me to be today.  I know that you wouldn't have wanted me to cry all day, even though that is really what I felt like doing.  I went to work.  I smiled at my students.  We had a good day at school.  I wanted to show you that I can be strong.  That I can make it back to you.  That I can live through this.  That I can trust in God.  I know that is what I have to do to make it back to you.  I love you Sheldon.  I can't wait to be back in your arms again.  I hope our little Jace can give you a big birthday hug from me and maybe you two can have some strawberry ice cream and cake together.

Six Months

(The last picture taken of our family on March 10, 2012)

Tomorrow it will be six months from the accident.  This weekend has been very difficult on me.  I keep replaying in my mind the last few days we had together.  Tonight I have been thinking about the last night I had with my family.  The last time I cooked dinner for them, the last time we said family prayers, and the last time I had to snuggle with my husband and son.  I miss them so much.  These past six months have been the hardest I have ever lived.  How do I live without them?  I ask myself that multiple times every day.  I really don't know how, and it is a struggle every day.  It hurts.  It is sad and I really don't want to live without them.  Yet, I have to.  I really have no choice.  Coming to terms with that has been difficult.  I loved my little family.  I knew my role and I loved it.  I loved taking care of them and making sure the house was clean and dinners were ready.  It really brought me a lot of happiness to make sure the house looked good for when Sheldon got home and that he knew how happy we were that he was home.  We had such a blessed life.  I realize the ten years I did live married to Sheldon were very happy and I do feel so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man.  I do feel so blessed that I was able to be a mother.  It was only for 33 months.  But I had those wonderful 33 months where I felt such happiness and such love for our little boy.  I remember playing trains with Jace.  He always picked the same four trains and always gave me the same trains to play with.  He had to have them in the correct order before he would push them along the track.  We had so much fun doing that together.  I remember reading books with him before bed.  I wish I was doing that with him now.  I wish I never had to experience them being gone.  I'm not quite sure why Heavenly Father had this in store for me, and I realize I might never understand.  But I do trust in God and that I can turn to him for comfort.  I have been finding great comfort in the song "Be Still, My Soul."  It was sung at both funerals and the words really do help me.  I am so thankful for a Savior who has made it possible for me to see them again.  I do believe I will hold them again and that one day all sorrow and grief will be gone.  Our family will be restored and I will have them again.  I will be looking forward to that day for the rest of my life on earth.  Six months seems too long to be apart.  I love you forever and ever Sheldon and Jace.

Be Still, My Soul

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Teaching Again

Today I did something hard.  I started working as a 5th grade teacher.  I woke up really early this morning thinking about starting my first day today.  I was wondering if I was strong enough to do that.  I got a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about having to do anything other than take care of Jace and being Sheldon's wife.  Everything feels different and usually before I am going to do something new without them, I get that sick feeling in my stomach.  I felt like that the first time I went to the movies without them, the first time I went out to eat without them, the first time I went grocery shopping for just myself.  Nothing feels normal.  In a way that is my new normal now, knowing that everything will feel hard for a long time and realizing that slowly I can do things again by myself.  Today was a good day at work.  I enjoyed my day, met a lot of great teachers, and when I came home I felt glad that I did something other than be sad.  I am going to have a class of fifth graders to devote all my time and energy to now.  I need to focus on living my life.  It's not the life I want, but I have to figure out how to live it, and I think taking this job is a good step towards doing that.  When I was driving home from work I was thinking about how I should have been driving home with Jace in the car after spending a day at the zoo or taking him to the park.  Realizing that I won't be doing that with him is very sad.  Realizing that I am no longer a stay at home mom married to a wonderful man is hard.  I know it's going to take a lot more days before it doesn't feel hard anymore.  I was just looking at some pictures of Jace and wanted to share some of my handsome little boy.  Sure miss and love you Sheldon and Jace.  

Missing Them

This picture was taken exactly a year ago today.  I wish we would have been able to laugh and play together today.  I'm trying to make it through each day, but my heart aches for you and your daddy.  I sure miss you sweet baby boy.