13 Months

Tomorrow it will be 13 months since the accident.  In some ways it feels like so long and in other ways it seems like I just said goodbye to them.  This has been a tough 13 months.  I lived a year and a month without my family.  I'm not sure how well I did, but I lived through it when a lot of times I didn't think I could stand it another minute.  Being separated from them is so difficult.  Having everything taken away in an hour has caused me to reflect and dig deep to find out who I am truly am.  I know that I am a daughter of God.  I know that I am a wife to an amazing man and the mother to the sweetest little boy.  I am so grateful that the separation is only temporary.  I believe that I will be with them again and that all that was taken away will be given back to me if I can endure this faithfully.  My testimony has wavered at times, but I always come back to the feelings of comfort and peace I feel that I know is the Holy Ghost testifying to me that it is true.  I know that God lives and He loves us.  I know he loves me.  I know that my trial, my cross to bear, is a heavy burden.  I'm not sure why our family was chosen for this trial, but I feel more resolved than ever to live up to and meet this with faith, hope, and charity.  I have so much to improve upon with myself. I am very far from being the person I know I can be, but I will keep trying and keep moving forward every day of my life.

For a long time this year I have been very scared of being alone and without a husband.  It makes me break down in tears thinking of myself as an old woman, being alone, looking at the pictures of my family.  That seems so lonely and represents so many years of living without that happiness that I had with Sheldon and Jace.  I think I rushed into dating too quickly because of that.  I am grateful for the men I have dated and how I have learned more about myself with spending time with each one of them.  I finally realized that I am content with the fact that I might never get remarried.  I might not have that blessing again.  When I think back on the single sisters I know, I think of some of the most righteous, kind, compassionate  and long-suffering women I know.  To me, this life is about perfecting ourselves, learning from our mistakes, and continuing forward on the journey with a smile.  I am trying to do that every day and whether that happens with me living a single life or with a spouse, I am trusting in God's plan for my life.  I have to.  

Trusting in God's plan is the only way I can make sense of what happened to our family.  I love Helaman 5:12.  That is one of my favorite scriptures.  "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."  I am so grateful for our Savior and what He has done for each one of us and what that means for me and my family.

As I was driving home, I was thinking about the last week we had together.  Monday night we went to Chuck E. Cheese and the mall.  Tuesday night I had a meeting at the church and Sheldon was at the house with Jace, Wednesday night we took Jace to the church since we both had callings with the youth (Jace got to come to some of those nights if we didn't have a babysitter), Thursday night I went to the Relief Society birthday party and took Jace so he could play with his friends in the nursery, and Friday night we had a nice family dinner and a movie night.  We spent all of our time together that week except for church and work responsibilities   That was how our life was, and I am so grateful.  I miss them so much.  I miss that life.  I am trying every day to find happiness in the life I am living now, and I think that will be something that will be ongoing for a very long time.

I do feel happy.  Some days I am able to smile more than others.  Some days I am able to count my blessings and feel so much gratitude.  Some days I pray and I feel so much love and comfort.  Some days are just tough and filled with great sorrow and longing. It's a continual process.  I am trying every day to feel the spirit.  It makes my day so much better.  Thirteen months later, I can say that I have never been stretched so much, I have never felt such pain and sadness, and I am learning every day how to put one foot in front of the other.  I have a beautiful family and I thank God every day for how blessed I am to be part of it.  I love you Sheldon and Jace.