Thank You & Goodbye

I have such great love for all of you.  I have cried reading the comments and emails from so many.  I have been so grateful for the opportunity to share my love for my little family.  I do believe in a Savior that has made it possible for life after death.  I am anxious for the day when I can hold them again.

I am saving all of your emails and comments so that I can let you know if and when I will start blogging again.  I honestly had no idea how many people were reading my blog.  I am not even sure how many people can be added to my list once I make this blog private.  But for now, I am going to focus on the 22 fifth graders that I will be meeting on Monday morning.  I have had a busy week getting my classroom prepared.  I think Sheldon and Jace would be proud of me.  I am trying very hard to put one foot in front of the other and continue on with this life that I am living now.  I am trying, and I want them to know that I love them so much.  I will continue on until I can see them again.  I have to.

With love and gratitude,

Julie

Last Post

I have decided that this will be my last post.  After this weekend I am going to set my blog to private and probably won't be posting again.  

I have been thinking about my new teaching job and I really think it's best to keep this blog private from my fifth graders.  There are a lot of raw emotions that I have shared and I don't want my students coming across this blog.

After they passed I really did not think I would ever write on this blog again.  After five months, I feel that I have said what I intended to.  I love my husband and son.  I believe that I will see them again.  I believe in Christ and that he has made it possible for us to return to our Heavenly Father again.  I will hold them again.  Thank you to all of you who have helped me so much.  Thank you for all the kind comments and helping me get through the day.  Thank you for the donations.  Thank you for your kindness and true Christ like love.

If I do decide to start blogging again, and you would like to view my blog in private mode, you can send me your email address to jaceandsheldon@gmail.com or leave it in the comment section.  I will be changing my blog to private this weekend.

-Julie            

Teaching Again

Today I did something hard.  I started working as a 5th grade teacher.  I woke up really early this morning thinking about starting my first day today.  I was wondering if I was strong enough to do that.  I got a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about having to do anything other than take care of Jace and being Sheldon's wife.  Everything feels different and usually before I am going to do something new without them, I get that sick feeling in my stomach.  I felt like that the first time I went to the movies without them, the first time I went out to eat without them, the first time I went grocery shopping for just myself.  Nothing feels normal.  In a way that is my new normal now, knowing that everything will feel hard for a long time and realizing that slowly I can do things again by myself.  Today was a good day at work.  I enjoyed my day, met a lot of great teachers, and when I came home I felt glad that I did something other than be sad.  I am going to have a class of fifth graders to devote all my time and energy to now.  I need to focus on living my life.  It's not the life I want, but I have to figure out how to live it, and I think taking this job is a good step towards doing that.  When I was driving home from work I was thinking about how I should have been driving home with Jace in the car after spending a day at the zoo or taking him to the park.  Realizing that I won't be doing that with him is very sad.  Realizing that I am no longer a stay at home mom married to a wonderful man is hard.  I know it's going to take a lot more days before it doesn't feel hard anymore.  I was just looking at some pictures of Jace and wanted to share some of my handsome little boy.  Sure miss and love you Sheldon and Jace.  

Missing Them

This picture was taken exactly a year ago today.  I wish we would have been able to laugh and play together today.  I'm trying to make it through each day, but my heart aches for you and your daddy.  I sure miss you sweet baby boy.

26.2

Marathon training is going great.  I have my friend Heather, sister Melanie, and sister-in-law Des, signed up to run with me.  We have all been running and it's really something that I enjoy so much.  It feels so good to run and get so many of my feelings out through exercise.  We are doing a 30 week training program and we are on week 7.  The last seven weeks I have ran around 70 miles.  Saturdays are our long runs and today was a 7.5 mile run.  I did a 5k in June, a 10k in July, and running a half marathon in September.  The marathon is in January.  Looking forward to running a lot more miles!

Love you Sheldon

Daddy lets me get dirty and have fun

Daddy takes me for walks outside

Daddy is a hard worker

Daddy plays with me

Daddy gets money for us

Daddy is always nice to mommy

Daddy takes good care of us

Mommy thinks daddy is cute

Daddy gives me hugs

Daddy is nice to me

Daddy jumps on the trampoline with me

Daddy teaches me things

Mommy & Jace love daddy

I was just looking at our pictures from 2012.  I was looking at our Valentine's Day pictures and Jace helped me to think of things that we love about Sheldon.  I wrote them down on hearts and we taped them onto our window.  Jace decorated a few hearts too.  Jace could hardly wait until Sheldon came home from work to show him what we had done.  I just wanted to record what Jace and I thought of together so that I can always remember.  I hope Sheldon can see this list too and know that I love him so much.  

Miss You Too

I love my little family so much.  I miss them every moment of every day.  I keep wondering why someone would have to endure having their entire family taken away.  I'm not sure I will ever have the answer to that question.  It hurts so much.  I had a wonderful decade with my husband, and such a happy and joyous time becoming a mother to our little Jace.  Sheldon worked as an optometrist at walmart and Jace and I used to go to walmart a lot.  We would stop by and say hi to Sheldon and Jace would always ask to go and see the fish.  We would go look at the goldfish and then I would run and push the shopping cart through the aisles.  Jace would laugh and tell me to go faster.  I always thought people were probably looking at me funny, because I was the optometrist's wife, and I was running through walmart with Jace in the cart.  Thinking of Jace laughing while I was doing that makes me smile.  Jace was my buddy and we did everything together.  I remember the last time we went to the park and how much fun we had together.  I played with him and I remember how I was thinking I would like to sit down and watch him, but I decided to play with him instead.  I am so glad I played with him that much and I can always have that memory of our last time at the park.  I really wish I could scoop him up and give him a big hug.  I could use one of those big hugs right now.  Whenever I was gone and I would come back, Jace would always say, "Miss you too Mommy."  He would snuggle me.  I miss those snuggles so much.  There are still milk stains from Jace's sippy cup leaking on the seat in my car.  I just don't think I can ever clean that off.  Jace would always poke his fork into the dining room table and Sheldon would always tell him not to do that.  I am so grateful for those little fork marks on the table.  I love them.  It reminds me of happy times.  Those little things that might have seemed irritating at the time are some of the things I treasure the most.  It's proof to me that our life was real.

I was looking at our first and our last family pictures.  Sheldon and I really grew up together and learned a lot about life along the way.  We learned to deal with infertility and all the aspects that go along with it.  We became closer as a couple and grew stronger through that trial.  We loved our little boy and being his parents.  Sometimes when I see people getting upset at their kids I wish they could feel for a brief moment what I feel, and how all those little things that are so difficult don't really matter all that much.  I wish in ten years from now I could see another family picture and how we had all changed.  I am grieving so much for the life we didn't get to live, but my heart is so full of gratitude for the life that we did live, and it was a good life.  "Miss you too Sheldon and Jace."