5 Years

In a few weeks it will be five years since the passing of Sheldon and Jace.  Five years of sorrow, learning, growing, stretching when I really didn't want to, as well as five years of learning to be happy, starting a new life and learning to embrace the Savior and his atoning sacrifice.  I have learned a lot and I have also struggled a lot.  I have learned that the only way to survive losing loved ones is to embrace our Savior and the promises that the atonement brings.  I have learned that I am imperfect in every way and wish that I could handle my grief better or with more composure.  I have learned that there are many who have also lost and who continue on, who I can learn from.  I have learned to embrace life and be happy about the small things.  I have learned to smile again.  I have learned that Heavenly Father loves me.

Five years ago, was the worst day of my life.  It was a horrible, horrible, horrible day that still brings me to my knees if I stop and think about it too long.  I really wanted to go jump into the lake after the funeral and wished with all I had that I could be with them.  My everything was gone.  My identity was gone.  I was no longer taking care of Sheldon and Jace and they were not with me, but I also felt many comforting moments along the way.  Right after the accident I felt Sheldon was right next to me telling me he was so sorry and it was an accident.  I felt them at the funeral home standing on either side of me.  I felt them at the funeral and after their grave was dedicated, I felt that they were free from their bodies and that they were happy together.  I have had dreams of Sheldon telling me about the accident and how he was holding Jace in his arms when he passed out from the cold water.  I had a paramedic tell me there was a light from Heaven shining on my dear Jace when they found him.  I have had the confirmation over and over again that they have a work to do on the other side together and they are happy.  They care about me and miss me too.  I miss them.

Today, almost five years later I had a great morning.  I just put my little baby girl in her bed for her nap.  I am cleaning up the house and feel happy.  I kissed my husband goodbye this morning and I get to spend my days caring for him, my two step-daughters and our baby girl who will be two in a few short months.  Heavenly Father had a plan for me, one that I could not even imagine.  This year Jon and I will be celebrating four years of marriage.  I am so grateful.

I am thankful for staying on the course, for trusting in what I know, and allowing Heavenly Father to guide me through it.  I did this journey very imperfectly, but I am doing it.  I am learning as I go and I am thankful beyond measure for all my many blessings.  I still have a lot to learn and many days of both grief and happiness ahead of me.  I am thankful for this life I am living.

Love to all of you,

Julie