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Joy

I'm not sure exactly what I am hoping to share in this post.  Mostly just some experiences that I had this week. I went to Utah this week with my mom, aunt, and cousins.  We attended women's conference at BYU together.  I had a good day.  I pray for good days.  I felt so uplifted by the talks that were given.  I needed that boost.  I felt the love my cousins, sister-in-law, aunt, and my mom have for me.  I have felt so grateful for family relationships and how much they mean to me.  Throughout this whole ordeal I realized that friends and family are so important.  I know I always took them for granted.  I know I will never do that again.

I wrote down in my journal thoughts I had from that day.  It was emphasized throughout all the classes the importance of prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, service, living high standards, and being grateful.  One woman who presented said that her friend with cancer has never had more happiness than she has since she was diagnosed.  I turned to my sister-in-law and asked her if she believed that could be possible.  I was thinking about my situation.  I don't think I could ever fathom saying that.  Talking with my mom later, we thought maybe it is a different kind of happy.  A deeper, more appreciative feeling for when happy moments occur.  When I am feeling really sad, I try to think of my little boy running into my arms and all three of us holding each other.  I cry and cry when I see pictures of us touching.  I want so badly to put my arms around them and kiss them.  One of the presenters said that joy is available to all, that we have to choose joy.  I hope that I can choose joy.

I went with my mom to pick out their headstones.  I still am in shock that I am doing things like this.  We went and visited their graves and I had a melt down inside.  How can they be in the ground and not be alive anymore?  How did this happen?  Why did this happen?  How can I live through this?  We left the cemetery to buy some flowers and when we came back I tried to think of how that place will eventually be a place of happiness.  It will be the place where we are reunited.  I tried to only think about that, and it did help me.  I talked to them.  It felt really good.  I hadn't been able to do that yet.  I hope they heard what I said.  I hope they know how I long for them.

One scripture stood out to me during the conference at BYU.  It is found in 2 Nephi 2:25-26.

"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.   And the Messiah cometh in the fullness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall."  I know that our Savior will redeem us from the fall through the atonement.  That is my joy.

I love you Sheldon and Jace.  

Marathon in Memory of Sheldon and Jace

On the last day we had together, Sheldon told me he was wanting to start training for another marathon.  He already ran one in 2010, and was ready for a second try.  We were also talking about our plans to take Jace to Disney World in the fall.  We had so many exciting things planned for us this year.  We were hoping to adopt another baby, we were hoping to buy a house, Sheldon's practice was starting to be successful, and we were looking forward to a fun family vacation in Florida.  Thinking about what could have been is so difficult.

I decided to sign up to run the Disney World Marathon on January 13, 2013 in honor of Sheldon and Jace.  I think I already have one of my best friends, my sister, and Sheldon's brother committed to running the marathon too.  I would like to extend the invitation to anyone who would be interested in running the marathon or cheering from the sidelines in their honor.  I know Jace would have loved it there and I hope that both Sheldon and Jace can be there in spirit as I run and remember them.

http://espnwwos.disney.go.com/events/rundisney/wdw-marathon/

I miss them

It's been almost six weeks since Sheldon and Jace passed away.  Sometimes it seems like a really long time and sometimes it seems like I was just kissing them goodbye.  I miss them so much.  My heart is broken.  This has been such an unbearable experience.  I can't believe I have even made it through six weeks.

Today I went to my first therapy session, probably the first of many.  The therapist told me to breath.  I guess I didn't even know I am holding my breath a lot.  She told me that I am in the intensive care unit emotionally, so to speak, and that I need to be patient with myself.  Grieving is a slow process and takes time.  The grief never really goes away.  I know that.  I feel it all the time and I think I always will.  I never thought this would be my life.  I never imagined I wouldn't have my family.

I know I have made it through six weeks because of the help of everyone around me.  My heart is so full of gratitude for everyone that has helped me, and that is a lot of people.  So many people have helped me in so many different ways.  Thank you.

I still have so much healing to do.  

 

Jace on the trampoline

I just found these pictures on my phone.  I forgot I took them.  I am so happy I have some of Jace jumping on our trampoline.  The water is spraying from underneath and getting him all wet.  He loved it so much.

Hope

I have made some new friends this past month.  Friends who have reached out to me and offered me a listening ear.  Friends who are going through similar trials to mine.  Keri, reached out to me a few days ago.  She lost her dear husband, CJ, on Valentine's Day in a tragic accident.  She is a month ahead of me in this journey.  I knew the 14th would be a hard day for her.  I prayed for her over and over on the 14th, that she would find a moment of comfort during that day.  Tomorrow is the 17th.  It will be exactly a month ago that I had my family in my arms and they were taken from me.

How do I move forward when sometimes it feels like I can barely make it through the day?  How can I continue on without them?  Last night I read my scriptures and spent more time than normal reading them.  I wrote in my journal what I had learned and how it applies to our family.  I went to bed with a peaceful feeling for the first time.  I slept a whole nights sleep.  Last night I dreamed that I was cleaning Jace's face after he was done eating.  When I woke up I was so sad that I can't do that anymore.  I remembered all the diapers I changed, all the dirty messes I cleaned up, and all the times I wiped his face clean after he was done eating.  I miss that.  Being a mother was beautiful and sacred.  I know I am still Jace's mother, but I can't reach out and wipe his chin.  I can't comfort him when he's sad.  I can't hold him and wipe his tears.

Keri, my new friend told me about a woman named  Stephanie Nielson.  I remember seeing her story on Oprah and how inspiring she was.  She and her husband were in a plane crash and 80% of her body was burned.  She's learning how to be a mother with her new trials and finds joy in her life.  Her blog is such an inspiration to me.  There is a Mormon Message about her story and one part of what she said really struck me.

“I was in the laundry room folding clothes and I went to the closet touching all the clothes.  A wave of emotions took me over for a few minutes.  I missed me again.  I mourned for that woman again.  I felt that familiar sadness.  But then it was followed by a beautiful spiritual confirmation that this is my new life.  It is good.  It is oh so good.”  -Stephanie Nielson

I miss being a mother and a wife.  I miss me.  My identity was taken away.  I am a mother and a wife, just right now I am without my family.  I hope that one day I can have a confirmation and feel that my life is good, oh so good like Stephanie.  Stephanie, thank you for giving me hope.  

Memory Blog

If you have memories or pictures of Sheldon and Jace I would love to put them on the blog www.jaceandsheldon.blogspot.com.  You can email them to me at jaceandsheldon@gmail.com.  I would love to be able to go there and read them.

Easter

We were able to celebrate two Easters with our little baby boy.  I wish it could have been three.  Easter and Jace's birthday are the two celebrations that we only celebrated twice during his life.  All the other holidays we were able to celebrate three times together.  Easter Sunday was bittersweet for me.  I kept trying to keep my mind from imaging what they day should have been like if Jace and Sheldon were alive.  I tried to focus on the Savior and what Easter really represents.  Without our Savior I would not be able to see them again.  Knowing that did not make the day any easier, but did give me comfort.  I went and found the pictures we took from our two Easters together and that made me happy.  Thinking about what could have been is to difficult to deal with.  

Jace's 1st Easter-9 Months Old

We were living in our house in Forest Grove, Oregon.  We bought Jace a new church outfit and his grandma and grandpa bought him some fun new toys.  My parents were visiting us and we went to church, we had a nice Sunday dinner, and we had fun enjoying our Easter gifts and candy.  Sheldon and I gave Jace a basket with some new shoes and socks and empty Easter eggs since he was too small to eat any chocolate or candy.  Jace loved playing with his basket and his eggs.  I also took Jace to get his picture taken in his new church outfit for Easter the week before.  I remember I was sad I couldn't find his black church socks that day, so we made due with navy blue ones.  I remember I was upset about that, but now it's just a fun memory.      

 It looks like he had just eaten some carrot baby food since his face was orange.  That carrot baby food always stained everything, but it was his favorite.

 We had fun watching him play on his new push toy.  We were excited that he could sit on it all by himself.

I think this picture is what prompted his first hair cut.  :)

Jace's Second Easter-22 Months Old

We were living in Lake Havasu City at the time because Sheldon was doing an optometry rotation at Eyes of Arizona.  The yard in our rental house was just rocks, like most yards in the desert.  We colored Easter eggs the night before and Easter morning we hid eggs for Jace while he was sleeping.  We woke him up and had so much fun watching him find his eggs.  Sheldon walked around with Jace and held his bag for him.  As soon as Jace found all his eggs he said, "Again!"  We re-hid the empty eggs everyday for about a week after Easter and Jace found them again and again.  I bought Jace a new Easter outfit and we went to church that day as well.  I also had Jace's picture taken with his new Easter outfit.  I am so grateful I did that.  

 Jace decided he would rather put the stickers on his body than the Easter eggs.

 He was pretty mad about putting on his church clothes.  He pouted on the floor and refused to let me take his picture.  I am glad we got one family shot though.

Easter Without Them

My heat is broken.  I miss them so much.  This Easter I decided to make a small Easter basket in honor of Jace and Sheldon.  I put m&m's in each egg, that was Jace's favorite, and I put a scripture or quote that has helped me through this past month.  I opened one today and this was the scripture I put in that egg.  "And thus God breaketh the bands of death, having gained the victory over death; giving the Son power to make intercession for the children of men."  Mosiah 15:8 (From the Book of Mormon).  In the picture below, the little basket I made is next to Jace's pillow pet and some throw pillows I sewed.  We always had Jace's pillow pet in our living room for him to put his head on when he watched a show.  Jace probably threw those throw pillows on the floor dozens of times and I would always tell him not to do it.  It makes me laugh now.  At the time I didn't think it was too funny.  I am glad that I have that memory when I look at those pillows.  Happy Easter Sheldon and Jace.  I love you and miss you. 

Mormon Messages-Eternal Truth

What I Believe

I have spent lots of time thinking about my blog and all the people that are reading it now.  I felt like I should share the talk I gave at the service in Washington for Sheldon and Jace.  I did not speak in Utah, I wasn't able to do it again.  Speaking really took its toll on me.  But now, I really would like to share how I feel and I am grateful I have this blog so I can share with everyone who reads it.    

My Talk

I would like to start out by thanking everyone for the kindness and generosity.  I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support I have felt.  I felt all the prayers.  I have felt angels all around me in the form of family, friends, ward members, and people I have never even met who are reaching out to help me through this tragedy.  I am so thankful for the tribute that has been paid to my sweet son and my handsome husband.  My little family means everything to me.  Our family started in 2002 when Sheldon and I were sealed in the Salt Lake City temple.  I remember when we were dating thinking how fun Sheldon was.  He always made me laugh.  I remember sitting in the Salt Lake temple holding Sheldon’s hand before our sealing and how excited I was to start our life together.  Sheldon had just returned from his mission when we met and he was just starting college as a freshman at the beginning of our marriage.  We were so anxious and excited to expand our family and become parents.  Becoming parents didn't come easy and we struggled with infertility for seven years.  Our prayers to become parents were answered when we adopted our son Jace in 2009.  Jace’s birthmother gave us that chance and we will be thankful to her for eternity. 

Sheldon and I were always happy, but becoming parents to our sweet little Jace brought that happiness to a whole new level.  We adored our son and we relished every milestone he reached, every happy moment, and his sweet hugs and kisses.  Sheldon was so proud to become a doctor of optometry and provide for our family and I felt such happiness in being able to stay at home with Jace and teach him new things.  He was learning to count to five and how to say his ABC’s.  Every day, when Sheldon came home from work, Jace and I would run and hide somewhere in the house.  Sheldon would come looking for us and say, “Jace where are you?”  Jace would always give away our hiding location and pop his little head out and say, “Right here!” 

We would eat together every night as a family and talk about our day.  When bed time came, Sheldon would give Jace a bath and then I would get him dressed in his pajamas.  Sheldon would read the scriptures to us while Jace and I played quietly and listened.  We would kneel down and pray together and Jace would always add things he was thankful for when one of us was praying like his blanket, his birth mother, or cousins or whatever we might have done that day.  We would kiss each other good night.  Jace would always give me “nice” kisses and he would always give his daddy “yucky” kisses.  Sheldon would make a yucky sound and say, “Kisses are yucky, ew yuck, and make a funny face.”  Jace would do the same thing and they would kiss goodnight.  Our last night together as a family we had a nice family dinner, ate chocolate cupcakes, and we all cuddled on the couch together and watched a movie.  We were so happy and I am so blessed to be married to such a kind, caring, compassionate man.  He always wanted to make sure I was happy and he never said a mean thing to me.  He loved our son and he loved being a dad.

Last week, we went looking for frogs and Sheldon caught one and let Jace hold it.  Every time the frog jumped out of Jace’s hands, Sheldon would catch it again and again so Jace could keep holding it.  We have many happy memories like that and I will always hold close to my heart.  I know those memories will be what carries me through as I continue to live on this Earth and my husband and son continue to live in the Spirit World.  I am so thankful for the sealing power and the knowledge that I can be together forever with my family.  I am so thankful for the resurrection and the knowledge that there is life after death.  I know that I have felt the Savior put his arms around me at this time.  Jace’s baby blessing brings me great peace.  Sheldon blessed Jace that he would be a special missionary and convert thousands of hearts.  The blessing said that Jace was given to us for him to help us and for us to help him. 

After this earth life there is the Spirit World.  When the Savior comes again to the Earth the Resurrection will occur.  A talk I read called, “The Spirit World, Our Next Home” by Dale C. Mourtisen has brought me great comfort.  He says, “Apparently, there are no infants or children in the spirit world. All who reside there possess the stature of adult men and women, the same appearance they possessed prior to mortal birth. If infants or children die, their spirits immediately resume their former adult stature while in the spirit world. However, when they regain their bodies during the resurrection, they naturally come forth as children to be raised to maturity by righteous and worthy parents.

“Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’ There is restitution, there is growth, there is development, after the resurrection from death. I love this truth. It speaks volumes of happiness, of joy and gratitude to my soul. Thank the Lord he has revealed these principles to us.”  

"The Latter-day Saint view of the spirit world reveals that there is missionary work being performed there. The most magnificent and extensive missionary program the mind can contemplate is centered in the spirit world. President Brigham Young declared: 'Compare those inhabitants on the earth who have heard the Gospel in our day, with the millions who have never heard it, or had the keys of salvation presented to them, and you will conclude at once as I do, that there is an almighty work to perform in the spirit world.”  I know Sheldon and Jace are together and they are fulfilling that work.

 I pray that I will live worthy to watch our little Jace run up to me after the Resurrection.  That he and Sheldon will put their arms around me and we will all embrace again, that Sheldon and I will have that opportunity to raise Jace, and that we can be together forever.        

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen     

Blocks For Angels

A few weeks ago a foundation called Blocks for Angels asked if they could sponsor me by making blocks in memory of Sheldon and Jace.  I was able to pick out the wording and coloring of the bows.  This woman is a true angel.  In a time of need she has reached out to me to offer help, love, and support.  The blocks say, "Together Forever Someday."  This saying means everything to me because it is what I believe.  Sheldon's block has a blue bow, Jace's has a green bow, and she will be making a block with a white bow representing me.  So many of you are reaching out to me in so many different ways, and I am thankful to all of you for surrounding me with love.  It has meant everything to me.

 http://www.blocksforangels.blogspot.com/   

March 30, 2012

March 30, 2012 was the funeral and burial service for my son and husband in Salt Lake City.  I am so thankful we were able to have another service, this time for both of them.  I felt so grateful for the kind words that were spoken.  After the service we went to the Salt Lake City Cemetery for the burial.  It was a beautiful day outside with blue skies and a warm breeze blowing.  The cemetery overlooks the Salt Lake valley and the University of Utah "U" can be seen from above.  I felt the breeze and I knew they were free from their bodies and they are together.  I know I will see them again, and I know they are and have been looking over me.  I know they love me.  I know my Heavenly Father loves me too.  I trust in His plan for our family.  Sheldon, I love you dearly, and please give hugs and kisses to our little baby boy from his mommy.  Jace, mommy loves you so much.

I picked out the casket sprays and matching hanging spray.  I chose blue flowers for Sheldon, his favorite color was blue, and green flowers for Jace because his favorite color was green.  The white, to me, symbolizes our eternal journey.

We had the picture display again.  The service was so nice and my heart was full from all the love I felt.

Some of my cousins were able to come.  A lot of Sheldon's extended family members from Utah were able to come,  Sheldon's friends from his childhood, and mission companions came as well.  Friends from our life in Utah and Oregon were also there in attendance.  I felt so much love and support and I know Sheldon's mom did too.

The pallbearers for Sheldon; father, father-in-law, brothers, brother-in-laws and best friend.  They were also the pallbearers for Jace.

Our Bishop from our prior ward in Salt Lake City is the man talking in this picture.  Sheldon served in his Bishopric.  My dad dedicated the grave sights.  

My dearest and best friends, Marie and Michelle (above) and Heather (below)

My cousin and her family and my sister Natalie too.

We had green and blue balloons that all the children let go into the sky in honor of Sheldon and Jace.  Jace loved balloons and I know he was smiling down when we released them.

My family and Sheldon's family

My parents

Sheldon's parents

Our stake president from our old ward in Salt Lake City.

Sheldon's aunts, uncle , cousins, brother, sister, and Mor Mor

Sheldon's aunts gave beautiful flowers in behalf on the Olsen family.  I loved the one with two white wreaths.  It really symbolizes to me that our lives are eternal.

My dearest husband and my sweet son, I love you so much.