I can't believe that almost a year has passed since I lost them. I miss Sheldon and Jace every second of every day. There are always constant reminders of them and I am always thinking about them. I think they are probably always thinking about me too. Today I feel so full of gratitude. I feel so blessed that I had such a wonderful decade with an amazing man. I feel so blessed I was able to be a mother to our little Jace. I feel so blessed to be part of an eternal family and for the sealing promises. I can't wait to hold them again.
The last ten months have really been a blur. I can only remember parts of this last year and the rest seems like endless days of crying and sadness. The other day one of my students asked me to help him untie a knot in his shoelace. It made me feel like crying thinking about how much I wish I was doing that for Jace. I think everyday how much I miss taking care of them. I miss all of it. I have such a longing in my heart and a tremendous ache to be with them again. I miss being in Sheldon's arms. I miss talking to him and laughing with him. I miss him.
I have been trying to live a new life. This last year I moved into my own place, started teaching again, have been working on my master's program, ran a marathon, and I have also started dating. I don't know if that's good or bad. My natural instinct is to stay in my bed and never get out. I fight that everyday. I really could stay there everyday and never get out. I start everyday listening to church music or conference talks and with a prayer. I listen to the scriptures when I am driving to work. I try to have positive self-talk. It's not easy. Some days it works and other days I am a mess. Some days I am strong and some days I can't even fathom how to live through this. I really miss being happy. I am normally a very happy person and not having that has been so hard. I want to feel happy. I want to feel joy. I think Sheldon and Jace want that for me too.
I decided to set a goal to run another marathon. My friend, Heather, and I are going to try to get into the St. George Marathon in the fall. I'm looking forward to more running and more healing.
I love you Sheldon and Jace.
9 comments:
I believe that God is using the children that you teach to help heal your heart. Just love on them the way you would Jace. I'm sure at least one of them needs all the love you can give out. :)
You are doing amazing Julie, I think Sheldon and Jace are both very happy with you and your continue fight to keep going. What you have went through, is probably one of the hardest any human could endure. But you are a fighter and and I know that one day you will be back in their arms for eternity :)
My dad, Pres. Larsen, sent me a link to your blog. My heart really goes out to you. I can't imagine having the amazing roles of wife and mother gone in an instant. I admire how you are doing so much to feed your spirit every day to help you cope with the grief and pain.
I think about you often and always read your posts. If you ever run the Boston Marathon let me know! I go every year and cheer for the runners. Hang in there.
I have been following your blog for some time now and am glad to see you back blogging...grief takes time...lots of it...give yourself grace...you have taken some huge huge huge steps this past year! You are an amazing woman, and I know that those boys were so blessed to call you mom and wife. Keep your chin up and when all else seems to be going downhill...go run and look up! Hugs!
I just have a lump in my throat for you. My heart aches seeing those pudgy feet of Jace's in the dog picture. I can't imagine the grief you must feel. I will continue to pray for you that your grief will be replaced with peace in time. A lady in my ward's son married Elder Nelson's grandson. Elder Nelson's wife told my friend in the temple that she "call's on" the person who has passed who was an expert in something to help her when she needs help with that type of task. For instance staying awake while driving she would say "So and so, Okay I am calling on you to stay with me on this drive and help me stay awake and she would feel complete peace and knew they were there with her. I LOVE that. This was straight from Elder Nelson's wife's mouth. I believe the deceased are just so so near and can help with those hard aching moments. Even Jace in the instance of untying a knot or being friendly with a little child. Or Sheldon in those gut wrenching moments! Whatever it is, i am confident they are with you more than we possibly realize.
Have you read Life Everlasting? By the Mormon author? My bro says it is AMAZING.
My heart aches for you.... Thank you for sharing your feelings and pain with all of us. You are OH SO GOOD!
I pray there will be miracle in your life. I believe there will be!!! Lots of love always...
Terri
Julie,
My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry your husband and son are not with you physically but I hope you feel their spirit carrying you along. I can't sleep and have been reading about your story, your life. I noticed the day of your son and husband funeral was the day we were pleading with Heavenly Father to perform a miracle on our 2 year old son Ollie who had drowned in my washing machine. Our stories have a few similarities. We had just moved to Oregon from Utah for a job, my son was 2, he drowned, and the dates are close. Anyway I wanted to tell you how strong you are. People tell me this and I know it's true because we are still alive after something as horrific as these accidents and you are grieving for two and this is much more intense.
I pray for your burden to be lightened and for you to be carried by your sweet son and husband. I can not wait for the day we are reunited with our loved ones. Hold on to hope and hold it tight.
Much love from one grieving mother to another.
I love you my grieving friend.
Tiffany Hebb (Ollie's momma)
I also have a blog. You can read my story.
www.hebbsters.blogspot.com
Hey Julie- Love ya! Keep holding on! I just wanted to tell you that Joe works for Saint George City and might be of some help to get you into the marathon. Let me know how many people are planning on running with you and I will see what I can do:)!
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