13 Months

Tomorrow it will be 13 months since the accident.  In some ways it feels like so long and in other ways it seems like I just said goodbye to them.  This has been a tough 13 months.  I lived a year and a month without my family.  I'm not sure how well I did, but I lived through it when a lot of times I didn't think I could stand it another minute.  Being separated from them is so difficult.  Having everything taken away in an hour has caused me to reflect and dig deep to find out who I am truly am.  I know that I am a daughter of God.  I know that I am a wife to an amazing man and the mother to the sweetest little boy.  I am so grateful that the separation is only temporary.  I believe that I will be with them again and that all that was taken away will be given back to me if I can endure this faithfully.  My testimony has wavered at times, but I always come back to the feelings of comfort and peace I feel that I know is the Holy Ghost testifying to me that it is true.  I know that God lives and He loves us.  I know he loves me.  I know that my trial, my cross to bear, is a heavy burden.  I'm not sure why our family was chosen for this trial, but I feel more resolved than ever to live up to and meet this with faith, hope, and charity.  I have so much to improve upon with myself. I am very far from being the person I know I can be, but I will keep trying and keep moving forward every day of my life.

For a long time this year I have been very scared of being alone and without a husband.  It makes me break down in tears thinking of myself as an old woman, being alone, looking at the pictures of my family.  That seems so lonely and represents so many years of living without that happiness that I had with Sheldon and Jace.  I think I rushed into dating too quickly because of that.  I am grateful for the men I have dated and how I have learned more about myself with spending time with each one of them.  I finally realized that I am content with the fact that I might never get remarried.  I might not have that blessing again.  When I think back on the single sisters I know, I think of some of the most righteous, kind, compassionate  and long-suffering women I know.  To me, this life is about perfecting ourselves, learning from our mistakes, and continuing forward on the journey with a smile.  I am trying to do that every day and whether that happens with me living a single life or with a spouse, I am trusting in God's plan for my life.  I have to.  

Trusting in God's plan is the only way I can make sense of what happened to our family.  I love Helaman 5:12.  That is one of my favorite scriptures.  "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."  I am so grateful for our Savior and what He has done for each one of us and what that means for me and my family.

As I was driving home, I was thinking about the last week we had together.  Monday night we went to Chuck E. Cheese and the mall.  Tuesday night I had a meeting at the church and Sheldon was at the house with Jace, Wednesday night we took Jace to the church since we both had callings with the youth (Jace got to come to some of those nights if we didn't have a babysitter), Thursday night I went to the Relief Society birthday party and took Jace so he could play with his friends in the nursery, and Friday night we had a nice family dinner and a movie night.  We spent all of our time together that week except for church and work responsibilities   That was how our life was, and I am so grateful.  I miss them so much.  I miss that life.  I am trying every day to find happiness in the life I am living now, and I think that will be something that will be ongoing for a very long time.

I do feel happy.  Some days I am able to smile more than others.  Some days I am able to count my blessings and feel so much gratitude.  Some days I pray and I feel so much love and comfort.  Some days are just tough and filled with great sorrow and longing. It's a continual process.  I am trying every day to feel the spirit.  It makes my day so much better.  Thirteen months later, I can say that I have never been stretched so much, I have never felt such pain and sadness, and I am learning every day how to put one foot in front of the other.  I have a beautiful family and I thank God every day for how blessed I am to be part of it.  I love you Sheldon and Jace.   

 

One Year

I was dreading yesterday and that it would be March again.  It's very hard for me to wrap my head around that it has been almost a year.  I miss them so deeply.  We only had 17 days together last March.  On my birthday, I kissed them goodbye one last time.  I didn't know that would be our last goodbye.  I would have held them and never let go if I would have had any idea the events that were to follow.

This year has been the most difficult that I have ever had to live through.  In some ways I feel so grateful that I did make it through this year.  There were some days, when I didn't know if that was possible. I  remember many times being curled in a ball sobbing with such sorrow, that I didn't feel I could possibly get back up again.  I have gone through so many emotions.  I have felt such deep sorrow, pain, remorse, guilt, sadness, and longing and yet I have also felt such sweet feelings of love and comfort.  I have replayed our last minutes, hours, days, weeks months, and years together.  As I have thought about our life together, my heart is so full of gratitude for the amazing journey that we experienced.  I remember the kisses and the embraces and the happiness of being in the arms of my little family.  I remember laughing and smiling with them.  I am so thankful for those memories.  I am so thankful for a son and a husband that I know I will be reunited with one day.

I think Sheldon and Jace are proud of me for making it through this year.  I know I have felt them close to me and I know that they are very close to me, probably more than I know.  I love them.  I pray everyday for them and how thankful I am for them.  The other day I had the thought that the best thing I can give them is to try and live truly happy, to try and have joy again.  I know they want that for me.  I have been able to smile and to laugh and it feels good.  Sheldon was always a jokster and he made me laugh everyday.  He was always up to something and I loved that about him.  That was one of the reasons I fell in love with him.  He was kind, he was thoughtful, and I can only remember a few times him ever saying anything critical of me.

Our little Jace was a perfect little boy.  He had the most tender spirit about him and he brought us so much happiness.  This year was supposed to be filled with our adventures and I was looking forward to him starting preschool and for all the fun that would come with it.  Jace loved his little friends and I know that he would have loved going to school.  I have been watching his cousin this year, who is only a few months older than Jace, and seeing all of the milestones that Jace missed.  That is tough.  Jace would have been started  Sunbeams in church and seeing the little Sunbeam classes at church always brings tears to my eyes.  The life that I didn't get to watch him live, is heartbreaking.  Sheldon would have been on his second year of being an optometrist.  We were hoping to adopt another child and were starting to look at houses to buy.  Our life together was everything I wanted and more.  I was devoted to our family in every way and having that taken from me is something that I am trying to learn to cope with.

This year I think I have made good strides with coping and I do feel that I have much more clarity today than I did even a month ago.  Each new day brings new realizations that I can be happy.  I have decided that being happy is truly a choice.  I am choosing that.  This year I moved to Las Vegas, I started teaching, continued working on my master's degree, and I have met some amazing people and continue to be so grateful for my family and friends who have supported me this year.  I have started dating too.  I don't want to spend this life alone and I don't feel that is God's plan for me.  I am very hopeful for a future where I get to share my love with someone as a wife and also share that love again as a mother.

The weekend of the 17th I will be with family.  We will remember the lives of my husband and son.  I love you dearly and forever Sheldon and Jace.    

The Rock of our Redeemer

Today in church these two verses really stood out to me during Sacrament Meeting:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8-9

“And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.”  Helaman 5:12

The meeting was about enduring and agency.  I felt so uplifted after taking the Sacrament.   I love the feeling of knowing that I am renewing that covenant with my Father in Heaven and promising to keep His commandment and remember Him.  I always feel stronger after taking the Sacrament and I am so full of gratitude for our Savior and His sacrifice for us.  I was thinking about if Sheldon and Jace have met Jesus yet.  That might be a weird thing to think about but I really was contemplating that out of all the people in the world that our Savior knows each one of us and what that would be like to be able to meet Him.  I was hoping that they have met Him.  I was wondering what it will be like when I meet my Savior.  I want to be worthy and clean.  I want to kneel at his feet and thank Him for what He has done for me and for my family.  I am so thankful that because of His sacrifice that we can be resurrected and live again.  I am so thankful for repentance and the opportunity to make commitments each Sunday to live my life better, to strive a little harder, and to keep His commandments. 

I think the versus really stood out to me because I realize that I am so far from understanding or even comprehending why this has to be for our family, why I have to be here and they are not, why I have to live through this.  I realize that I probably will never know.  But I do not want to waste this life.  I want to prove that I can make it through this trial of not being with them.  I want to prove that I do trust in God and His path for me and my family.  I will continue to take strength from my Savior and have Him as my foundation and my rock.  I am so thankful for my testimony.  I couldn't have gotten through these ten months without it. 

I love you Sheldon and Jace. 

Opening Back Up

I decided something today.  When I go back to school after Christmas break I am finally going to talk to my students about the accident.  I have not told them anything.  They all know I am going to run a marathon in January, but I decided it's time to tell them why.  I also decided that it's time to open my blog up again.  I have been blogging a few times a month since I made my blog private in August.  I didn't add anyone except a few close friends and family so not many have been reading what I have been blogging, but I do feel it's okay to make this blog open again.

So here it goes... :)

Nine Months Ago

Nine months ago I was with Jace.  Sheldon had already left for the gym and then was headed to work.  We were planning on going to our church party that night for dinner.  Sheldon had planned a fun overnighter the next night to the Great Wolf Lodge for my birthday.  We were going to spend all day Monday at the hotel and playing at the water park.  Jace and I had cupcakes after breakfast that morning, my birthday.  I had made chocolate cupcakes the night before and Jace was begging for them the next morning.  I thought we shouldn't at first, but then I decided that since it was my birthday we should eat some together.  We sat and ate chocolate cupcakes with green sprinkles together after breakfast.  It was a sunny day and I was looking forward to all the birthday celebrations Sheldon had planned for me.  I remember when I put Jace down for nap, I laid down with him in his new "big boy" bed until he fell asleep.  I think I might have fallen asleep for about 20 minutes too.  I remember how he looked laying in that big bed with his Angry Bird sheets.  I remember looking at him with so much love and joy.  I miss my little baby boy so much.  I used to ask him if he was a "big boy" or a "baby" and most of the time he would say he was "mommy's baby."  I remember what it feels like to carry him and how empty my arms feel now.  I remember when Sheldon came home and he gave me a hug and a kiss to wish me a Happy Birthday.  I remember eating chips and guacamole with him and him talking about how he wanted to start training for another marathon and I was talking to Sheldon about starting to plan our vacation to Disney World.  I didn't realize those would be our last hours together.

It has been nine months.  I have slowly felt the haze around me start to lift a little bit at a time.  Yesterday I realized that there was actually a light in my closet.  I have been living in my new condo for six months and that was the first time I noticed that.  I haven't really noticed anything really, other than my own sadness and trying to come to terms with what happened.  So many people have done so much for me and my heart is so full of gratitude.  I wish that I could in some small way repay that.  I realize that is something I will do as I live the rest of this life and try to help others who are grieving their loved ones.

Grief is very tough, probably the toughest thing I can ever imagine.  It hurts, it's very raw, and it doesn't go away.  There are constant reminders all around me of them.  I finally realized I am glad that I feel that way, because it keeps me connected to them.  Earlier this month, Jace would have turned 3 1/2.  That was tough. Thinking about missing his third birthday and then six months past that, that is too long not to have my son.  I've ached and longed to join them, but I realize that is not my decision to make.  I am realizing that maybe it is time to start building a new life, a life where I can smile and have new hopes.  A life that involves me getting to love someone again and not being alone.  I hate being alone.  It feels good for a moment when I am overwhelmed with sadness and then after that I realize that I don't want to live like this.  I hope I won't.

Next month I am running the Disney World Marathon in honor of Sheldon and Jace.  I am happy to remember my family and do something that means so much.

I love you Sheldon and Jace

    

Last Month of 2012

As I think about 2012 coming to a close I have lots of emotions.  2012 was the worst year of my life.  I was only able to spend two and a half months of this year with my family before they were taken away from me.  I have spent most of this year broken, sad, and struggling to get through each day.  The term "living a day at a time" has never been so real.  Most of the time that is all I can do.

I have learned so much the past eight months.  I have learned that Sheldon was everything to me.  He provided, cared, loved, supported, and was everything I wanted in a husband and a father for Jace.  We were happy for ten years.  Yes, we had our struggles, but mostly we were just happy.  We loved each other and we were a team in every sense.  We loved watching Jace develop and grow up.  I was completely devoted to Sheldon, and we were going to spend this life together.  Our Bishop in Washington had told me that he had plans of calling Sheldon in the Bishopric, we were looking at houses to buy, Sheldon's optometry practice was becoming successful, and we were very hopeful for another child to join our family through adoption.  Thinking about those plans, that life, is so extremely heart wrenching.  Our 10th anniversary was on the 23rd.  It was hard to have that day come and go without him.

Instead of living that life the last eight months, I have been living a day-to-day existence trying to just live.  I finally decided that if I could just make it through the day, I was successful.  I do want 2012 to be over in a sense that I do feel a need to start creating a new path for myself.  I don't want it to be over because most of my memories with Sheldon and Jace are now almost over a year ago.  I don't like it being so long since I last hugged and kissed them.

I have learned that motherhood is beautiful.  I already knew that, but having it given to me and then taken away in such a short time has really taught me that what I did for 33 months was a sacred experience.    I remember one day when I was playing with Jace, just an ordinary day, and thinking how deep a mother's love truly is.  I love my little Jace.  I miss him.  I miss taking care of him.  I miss putting putting his jacket on him, helping him put on his shoes, and taking him with me everywhere I go.  I miss reading him stories and helping him brush his teeth.  I miss his sweet little kisses and having him tell me he loves me.  I miss hearing his sweet little voice.  There is one video I have of him saying, "Bye-bye Mommy" and I listen to it over and over again just to hear him say "Mommy" to me.

I have learned that the gospel is true.  I have never had a stronger testimony of our Savior and the Plan of Salvation.  I have received many comforting feelings from the Holy Ghost, and I know that Heavenly Father is very aware of me and loves me.  I know that I have been watched over, protected, guided, and cared for by many these past eight months who have been inspired to help me, send me a note, a phone call, or do something kind for me.  I have been on the receiving end of so much service.  I have seen Christ like love and I do want to return that love to others.  I have decided that it will take me time before I am fully functioning at any capacity like I used to.  I have decided to be compassionate with myself, and act and do what I feel my limits are.  It has been hard to know how I used to be, and realize that it will take time before I am ever that person again.

I have learned to be patient with myself.  I have learned that the grief I have will always be there.  I love looking at pictures of our family together.  To me, that is true happiness.  I know who I was in those pictures, that I was truly happy, and that it will take time before I can feel that again.  I have been dating and that has been something new to get used to.  I'm not sure if it's too early in this process to be doing that, but I have learned to trust myself and my feelings.  I do feel that I am very hopeful for happiness again.  I'm trying to find that happiness again on my own, but having had such a successful marriage and family, I realize that companionship and love is something that adds to life.  I don't want to live this life alone, and I don't think I will.

I have learned what it truly means to rely on the faith.  Sheldon and I learned that lesson while waiting for Jace to come to our family.  I have truly learned to put my faith and trust in Heavenly Father.  I realize that I have to.  I simply cannot survive this without having faith and hope.  When I start to feel down, and that is a daily thing, I try to turn my thinking to the fact that Heavenly Father must have a plan for me.  He loves me and so do Sheldon and Jace.  They are very close to me, probably closer than I know or can understand.  One day this life will be over and I will be with them.  I want them to smile when they see what I am doing.  I want them to be happy and I know they want me to feel that way too.

I'm trying Sheldon and Jace.  I will try everyday until I am in your arms again.

 

Blogging Still

I really forgot what it feels like to be busy and for the most part I have been pretty overwhelmed.  I have been working on my master's degree, devoting all my time to my 5th graders, and running.  Sometimes I feel like I can't keep up, then I think about what would happen if I didn't have those things to focus on and I realize that I need to stay busy.  It's very easy for me to go into a non-functional mode and just kind of break down.  While it feels good in the moment, I know that can't and shouldn't be a long term coping method for me.  I have to learn to cope, to live, to smile, to go on throughout my day without Shelodon and Jace.  I have to learn to trust in God's plan for us.  It is a continual struggle.  I do find moments where I realize I can get through this, and there are moments when I wonder if I will.  I have such fervent prayers that God will have mercy and allow me to feel peace.  This weekend I have felt such a spiritual lift as I have listened to General Conference.  It provided me with an increased determination to endure.

I ran a half marathon a week ago.  As I ran I thought about my family.  I thought about how much I love them and how I can't wait for that day when we can all receive that fullness of joy again when we are reunited   I thought about playing with Jace, and wiping his face after he ate his meals, and his messy kisses.  I thought about Sheldon and his strength and his unconditional love for me.  I thought about being in Sheldon's arms and being able to tell him how much I love him again.  I miss them so deeply.  That will never change.  I have gotten through seven months of being without them.  I do realize there will be many, many more.

I missed the general Relief Society Broadcast because it was during my half marathon run.  I just listened to it.  I really do believe those message were inspired to help me and all of those who have lost their loved ones.  I was very touched when I heard the story about Mary Lois Walker.  She lost her young son and husband within twenty days of each other.  Sometimes through this trial, I do feel so very alone.  Not many can understand how truly difficult it has been.  Losing my son, my husband, my family, my life, my everything, has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to live through.  Most days I ache to join my family.  Choosing to live and engage in daily life is a struggle.  I have drawn so much strength from listening to Mary's story and coming to understand that all truly can be made right through our Savior and His atonement.

"The example of a faithful pioneer sister illustrates this truth. Mary Lois Walker was married at age 17 to John T. Morris in St. Louis, Missouri. They crossed the plains with the Saints in 1853, entering the Salt Lake Valley shortly after their first anniversary. On their journey they had suffered the privations typical of other Saints. But their sufferings and adversity did not end when they reached the Salt Lake Valley. The following year Mary, then 19, wrote: “A son was born to us. … One evening when he was two or three months old … something whispered to me, ‘You will lose that little one.’”

During the winter the baby’s health declined. “We did all we could, … but the baby grew steadily worse. … On the second of February he passed away … and so I drank the bitter cup of parting from my own flesh and blood.” But her trials were still not over. Mary’s husband was also stricken, and three weeks after losing her baby, he died.

Mary wrote: “So was I, while yet in my teens, bereft in the short period of 20 days, of my husband and my only child, in a strange land hundreds of miles from my blood kin and with a mountain of difficulty before me … and I wished that I too, might die and join my loved one[s].”

Mary continues: “One Sunday evening I was taking a walk with my friend. … I was reminded of [my husband’s] absence and my intense loneliness, and as I wept bitterly I could see, as it were in mental vision, the steep hill of life I should have to climb and felt the reality of it with great force. A deep depression settled upon me, for the enemy knows when to attack us, but our [Savior, Jesus Christ,] is mighty to save. Through … the help given of the Father, I was able to battle with all the force which seemed to be arrayed against me at this time.”

Mary learned at the tender age of 19 that the Atonement gives us the assurance that all things that are unfair in this life can and will be made right—even the deepest sorrows."

I Will Follow God's Plan

I have been going to the temple every week.  It's been such a blessing and I am so grateful for the temple and the promise of eternal families.  That promise means everything to me.  When I went last week I started thinking about the lyrics of this primary song and I was imagining Jace singing that to me.  Finding my purpose and the reason I was left behind is a continual struggle.  I am so grateful for that glimpse of knowing a little bit more about who I am and why I am still here.  I love you Sheldon and Jace.


"I Will Follow God's Plan"


My life is a gift; my life has a plan.
My life has a purpose; in heav’n it began.
My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth
And seek for God’s light to direct me from birth.
I will follow God’s plan for me,
Holding fast to his word and his love.
I will work, and I will pray;
I will always walk in his way.
Then I will be happy on earth
And in my home above

Hope

I have made some new friends this past month.  Friends who have reached out to me and offered me a listening ear.  Friends who are going through similar trials to mine.  Keri, reached out to me a few days ago.  She lost her dear husband, CJ, on Valentine's Day in a tragic accident.  She is a month ahead of me in this journey.  I knew the 14th would be a hard day for her.  I prayed for her over and over on the 14th, that she would find a moment of comfort during that day.  Tomorrow is the 17th.  It will be exactly a month ago that I had my family in my arms and they were taken from me.

How do I move forward when sometimes it feels like I can barely make it through the day?  How can I continue on without them?  Last night I read my scriptures and spent more time than normal reading them.  I wrote in my journal what I had learned and how it applies to our family.  I went to bed with a peaceful feeling for the first time.  I slept a whole nights sleep.  Last night I dreamed that I was cleaning Jace's face after he was done eating.  When I woke up I was so sad that I can't do that anymore.  I remembered all the diapers I changed, all the dirty messes I cleaned up, and all the times I wiped his face clean after he was done eating.  I miss that.  Being a mother was beautiful and sacred.  I know I am still Jace's mother, but I can't reach out and wipe his chin.  I can't comfort him when he's sad.  I can't hold him and wipe his tears.

Keri, my new friend told me about a woman named  Stephanie Nielson.  I remember seeing her story on Oprah and how inspiring she was.  She and her husband were in a plane crash and 80% of her body was burned.  She's learning how to be a mother with her new trials and finds joy in her life.  Her blog is such an inspiration to me.  There is a Mormon Message about her story and one part of what she said really struck me.

“I was in the laundry room folding clothes and I went to the closet touching all the clothes.  A wave of emotions took me over for a few minutes.  I missed me again.  I mourned for that woman again.  I felt that familiar sadness.  But then it was followed by a beautiful spiritual confirmation that this is my new life.  It is good.  It is oh so good.”  -Stephanie Nielson

I miss being a mother and a wife.  I miss me.  My identity was taken away.  I am a mother and a wife, just right now I am without my family.  I hope that one day I can have a confirmation and feel that my life is good, oh so good like Stephanie.  Stephanie, thank you for giving me hope.