It's really tough to realize that almost one year has passed. I don't like it being so long. I don't like that I haven't been able to talk Sheldon for eleven months. I miss him and that companionship. I miss taking care of little Jace and hugging him. I miss helping him brush his teeth and his sweet kisses. I miss everything about them. It's hard to accept this new path. I'm trying.
I've been listening to scriptures on my car ride to work and I have found a lot of comfort in listening to Mosiah in the Book of Mormon. I especially liked Mosiah 15. King Benjamin is speaking about our Savior and how he has overcome death for us and how little children are guaranteed everlasting life. When I was listening, a sweet feeling of peace and comfort came over me as I thought of my little Jace and how thankful I am that he will receive that gift. I am thankful for comforting moments like that because I mourn so deeply for our little boy and the life he didn't live. I mourn the loss of being a mother and a wife on this earth. That cuts so deeply to my core that sometimes it's hard to breathe.
That deep mourning has also come with moments when I have felt such peace and comfort from the spirit. I do feel that Heavenly Father is aware of me and He loves me. I have not been left alone. I am so thankful for prayer and scripture study. I am so thankful for the temple. I am so thankful for the knowledge I have of the gospel and for eternal families.
I am thankful for my education. This is my seventh year of teaching school. I really never expected to teach school that long. We were married for six and a half years before Jace came to our family and I taught school during that time. I was able to help support Sheldon through optometry school. The last three years of our marriage I was able to be a stay-at-home mom. To me that was a blessing that I never did take for granted. Of course there were moments when I lost my patience or was frustrated, but I was always able to keep it in perspective of what a tremendous blessing Jace was to us. Those years were very happy.
I just talked to Jace's birthmom a few days ago. I love her so much and it really does bring me happiness that she is doing so well. Her birthday is next month too. Last fall I was able to attend her sealing to her husband in the Portland Temple. They were sealed in the same sealing room that Jace was sealed to us in. During the sealing I was imagining little Jace sitting on her lap and giving her a kiss and then running over to me and giving me kisses too. I was remembering my little family in that room and what an important day that was for our family. I am thankful I was able to watch Jace's birthmom start on that new journey with her spouse and remember our own sealing. I am so thankful for those moments because they help me to remember that this sadness and longing is only temporary. There are many more moments like that to experience and I am looking forward to them.
Sheldon, I love you. I miss you. Please give hugs and kisses to our sweet boy.