Adjusting

I have a lot to adjust to.  I am still a wife and a mother, but not in the same way.  Last night I was thinking that eventually I will have to adjust to this new life I am living.  Most of the time I feel like I am just trudging through it, hour by hour sometimes counting down until I can go to sleep and be done with that day.  Some days there are moments when I feel like my heart can't bear it anymore.  I pray to Heavenly Father to help me get through those moment of pain and sadness.  I really don't know how I will ever adjust, and yet I have in some ways.  I have lived four months without them.  I have gotten through some of the most painful moments that most people should not have to live through.  I kissed them one last time.  I took so much time putting on Jace's white shoes for his burial clothes, and sobbed when I tied the laces, because I knew that would be the last time I would ever do that.  I planned a beautiful memorial for them.  I lived through such intense moments that I am surprised I endured.

Adjusting is hard.  I was expecting a different life.  I was not expecting this new life.  I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my life is different now.  I have put all of my trust in God.  I have to.  I pray that my life can become more than my limited view can see right now.  I pray that I can adjust, become more refined, and move forward with a stronger and firmer testimony of His gospel.  I have daily struggles and lots of sadness but I do have hope.  I do have faith in God's plan for my life.  I have and will continue to trust in His path for me.

We went to the cemetery again and this time I felt a peaceful feeling.  We went into the office and the lady at the desk told me that people have been coming in asking for help to find their headstones.  I was so grateful that people I don't even know are visiting them and paying their respects.  Thank you.  I have received so many emails and comments from people from many different places.  Thank you for reaching out to me.  I have learned so much about the goodness of others.  I have had my eyes open to others who are struggling like me, and my heart reaches out to you.  We all have trials.  I am humbled that people would come to me with their trials and that we can talk and share what we are learning.  I really feel so much love for all of you.  I am so grateful for this blog.  Thank you for mourning with me, thank you for comforting me, and thank you for sharing such kindness.      

Sheldon

I really love this picture of Sheldon.  I think he looks so handsome.  I feel that I have fallen even more deeply in love with Sheldon since he has been gone.  I have become more appreciative of the man he was, and the safety and security of being married to him.  He was such an upbeat guy and life just couldn't get him down.  He always felt like things would get better and he was always working hard to make it that way.  He accomplished so much in his life and he made me feel so good.  He loved me and he needed me.  I felt so secure in our marriage and so happy to be his wife.  We each had our parts that we added to the marriage, and we never did try to see who was doing more or if it was equal.  I think we really fit very well in that regard.  We did have our ups and downs, but our marriage was happy.    


I miss him so much.  We have been part of each other's lives for ten years.  We changed so much from our early twenties into our thirties.  I was looking forward to living more life together.  I thought we would be old and watch Jace grow up and become a man before we had to say goodbye.  I'm not ready for that goodbye.  It hurts too much.  Sheldon always gave me an anniversary card each year and I just recently went back and read them all again.  I saved every one of them.  He wrote in one card that when he wasn't with me he was always wishing we were together.  I know we are both wishing that same thing.  He was the love of my life and I am so blessed for the ten years we did have together.  He always made me laugh and that was one of the things I loved the most about him.  He was kind, he was sincere, he overlooked my faults, and he made me so happy.  Sheldon was a great dad.  I loved watching him with Jace.  When Sheldon was home, it was always the three of us spending time together and I am happy it was that way.  I like thinking of Sheldon leading us in family prayer and scripture study and us saying goodnight giving hugs and kisses.  Those are some of my most cherished moments together.  


I love you Sheldon.  Give Jace a hug and a kiss from his mommy.             

My little family

Today I went to the cemetery and saw that the headstones had been put in place.  I kept it together pretty good at the cemetery.  I felt comforted that the stones look so beautiful and represent how I feel about them.  I do feel peace and comfort knowing that my final resting place will be next to my husband and son.  Looking at Jace's headstone has been very difficult.  He was our little miracle.  He was given to us through the miracle of adoption.  We cherished being his parents.  We loved him so much.  Having him as our son was such a gift from Heavenly Father and having him taken away from me feels like more heartache than any person should ever have to endure.   I feel so much gratitude for being able to be his mother and I hope that those feelings can help me on days like today, when it hurts so much.        

Utah

I have been in Utah for almost a week.  I've been enjoying being with Sheldon's family and sharing lots of memories with them.  Last weekend we went camping with his mom and step-dad and all of Sheldon's siblings.  I love them all so much and I am so grateful for them.  We all missed Sheldon and Jace so much.  I would have loved to have them next to me.  I know Jace would have loved the salamanders we found and the crawfish we caught.  I could just imagine how much he would have loved sleeping in a tent, since he would have probably forgot from last summer.  I was able to watch all of his cousins have fun together and Jace would have been so happy to be there with them.  Watching all of Sheldon's siblings together made me so sad to know that Sheldon was not there with them.  He loved his brothers and sisters and was always talking about them and what they were up to.  Him and his older brother Lance would have been teasing Mathew, their little brother, and playing jokes the whole time.  Sheldon would have loved being on that camp out.

This week I have been in Utah spending more time with Sheldon's family.  I have felt very close to Sheldon this week.  I am so grateful that the cemetery is close to where they live so that when I come I can visit them and visit Sheldon's family too.  His family is very much a part of me and who I am.  Yesterday we went to visit Sheldon's Mor Mor (that's Danish for Grandma) and it was so nice to see her.  She forgets a lot of things and goes in and out of remembering who people are.  During our visit she would remember Sheldon and she knew that he had passed.  She did not remember Jace.  She had only seen him a few times.  She said she knew I was sad because I missed Sheldon.  She said her time was coming soon when she would be with her husband again.  She's been waiting a long time for that reunion.  She lived that time without her husband, with charity and love for those around her.  We spent many Sundays at her house when she would serve us dinner.  She called Sheldon her little skat (that's sweetheart in Danish) and would always tell him how proud she was of him.  She would never get mad at Sheldon for sneaking food before the prayer and in her eyes Sheldon could do no wrong.  I am here until the end of the week.  On Saturday I'm running a 10k with my friend Heather.  Two of my sisters-in-law are running the 5k.  Saturday night we are going to light some fireworks for Pioneer Day in honor of Sheldon.  He loved fireworks and always got so excited about them.  I'm looking forward to that and I'm glad I'm here having these experiences with his family.  I think Sheldon is too.

Faith, Hope, & Charity

Four months ago I lost my husband and my son.  Most days it feels like it just happened and everything in between is a blur.  I remember our last few days together so clearly.  I keep replaying them in my mind.  Some days I feel strong and some days I feel very weak.  Some days I feel comfort and some days I am inconsolable.  I cry off and on all day even on my strong days.  I keep wondering how I can endure this?


I finished the Book of Mormon in June.  I have been reading every night from Sheldon's scriptures and every time I do I remember reading them together.  We tried to read every night and Jace and I would listen while Sheldon read to us.  I would read the same chapters by myself when Jace was napping.  Lately I have just been turning to random chapters and reading.  I have been amazed how I turn to a scripture that I need to hear the most that day.  I have especially been enjoying reading from Moroni.  In Moroni chapter 7 it talks about faith, hope, and charity.  Those fundamental principles are something I cleave to.   


33 “And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.”


41 “And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.”


47 "But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him."

48 "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen."  

Some days my faith is so strong.  Some days my faith is so weak.  I wonder how I will make it through this.  I wonder how I can keep living when the pain is so deep.  I know that it is through my Savior.  I do have faith in Him.  I do believe that there is life after death.  I do believe that I will hold Sheldon and Jace again.  I do believe that we are accountable for how we live our lives.  I do believe that it is through the Savior and his atonement and resurrection that we can one day return to live with our Father in Heaven again and live with our families forever.  That is something that I am looking forward to everyday.  I have been shown charity over and over again.  I have seen pure Christ-like love in action.  I am trying to show that love to others.  I will continue trying throughout my life to develop those attributes.  I know that I can return to my family and I will live my life to make sure I can.  That is how I will endure this.  

I love you Sheldon and Jace.    

    

My Role

Mommy is missing you so much today.   

These pictures were taken when Jace was seven months old.  Looking at our photos has helped me today.  They are proof of what I used to do.  Some days I feel so fragile and today is one of those days.  I remember everything about being a mom and wife and those characteristics are still very much a part of me.  Sleeping has been such a hard thing to get used to.  Jace was still getting up one time in the night, almost every night, and he would try to come into our bed to sleep.  We would either let him or one of us would take him back to his room until he fell asleep.  He would get up everyday without fail at seven in the morning.  I still am waking up in the middle of the night and I was waking up right at seven for such a long time.  I still rarely sleep past seven.  The first few months after they passed, I would wake up in the middle of the night and for a second I would forget and think that Jace had woken me up or that he was crying and needed me.  Then the sick feeling would come back and I would remember what happened.  Sleeping and waking up and remembering have been very hard.  I miss them both so much.  I am not supposed to be sleeping alone.  I should have my family surrounding me.  I should be a wife and a mother.  I should be taking care of them and watching Jace grow older.  I should be supporting Sheldon as his wife.  I should be making dinner for them.  I have only cooked one meal in the past four months.  I just don't know if I can do that just for me.  It takes me almost two weeks to have enough laundry to run a load.  My house is always clean and there are no messes.  It leaves me empty inside that there is no laundry to do, no toys or dirty clothes to pick up, no boys waiting for meals, and no more embraces and kisses.  I really need them and I have to figure out how to live without them.  That is something that I am trying to figure out every day and I think it will take many more before I do.

Trying

I wanted to write down some of the things I have been doing the past four months so when I look back I can remember this time.  I’m not sure I even want to remember it, but eventually maybe I will.

 In April I moved in with my parents in Las Vegas.  I started going to the gym and signed up for the marathon in January.  I volunteered in my niece’s kindergarten classroom.  I went to women’s conference with my mom, aunt, and cousins and was able to visit the cemetery for the first time after the funeral.  Sheldon’s family came to visit me.  I started spending my time with my sister, Natalie, my friend, Heather, my cousins, my aunt and uncle, and my parents.  My parents took care of me.  I started going to the temple every week.  I got shingles and my body went through shock from everything that happened and from not eating or sleeping.    

In May I went with my sister, Natalie, to Oregon for a few days.  I was able to see Jace’s birthmom and spend time with her.  I went to Pacific University where they had a remembrance ceremony for alumni who had passed away this last semester.  I was able to be there to represent Sheldon and I was able to ring the bell in the old college hall in his memory.  I accidentally rang the bell twice, and I had to smile that the second time represented our little Jace.  Sheldon always talked about how he hoped Jace would become an optometrist.  I went to dinner with friends in Forest Grove and visited with them.  I started grief counseling.  I went to Salt Lake to visit the cemetery and spent time with Sheldon’s family.  I went to the Salt Lake temple with my dad and aunt.  My sister, Melanie, came to visit the last weekend in May.  I attended the temple in Las Vegas weekly.  I spent a lot of time running.  I went with my mom to a spa and we got massages.  We got pedicures twice during the four months too.

In June I went to the cemetery again for Jace’s 3^rd birthday.  Together, with family, we remembered Jace and his life.  We had a pirate piñata, ate his favorite McDonald’s meal, sent balloons up to Heaven with messages written on them, and ate chocolate cupcakes with green sprinkles.  I moved into my own condo during the middle of the month and was grateful to have all of our things out so I could look at them.  I went to San Diego with my parents and took my niece to Sea World.  I ran a 5k with my friend Heather.  I went to St. George with my mom and her friend and I was able to visit with my friends, Marie and Michelle. 

Right now I am in Shelton again.  This first week of July I flew into Portland.  I spent time with Jace’s birthmom again and I was able to meet her fiance.  I love her so much and I am so grateful for our relationship.  I am so happy for her upcoming wedding.  I am grateful she has invited me to attend.  She is like a sister to me.  We have so much love for one another and I am looking forward to continuing that relationship throughout our lives.  After I spent time with her, I spent some time with Sheldon’s best friend, Garrett, and enjoyed sharing memories of Sheldon and Jace.  I went to Forest Grove again and saw my friends.  I was able to see the inside of our house and remember so much about our life together.  I went to Long Beach in Washington and met up with my sister and her boyfriend.  We celebrated the 4^th of July together.  I enjoyed spending time with her and was tearful when I left.  I drove up to Olympia and met my friend, Megan, and her family for lunch.  I drove to Shelton.  I went to the lake and I was able to see the inside of our house there as well.  Last night, I met up with my friends.  We went out to dinner.  We shared some of our favorite memories together.  I was sad we only lived in Shelton for nine months and I didn’t get more time to spend with them.  I have plans this month to visit Utah again and see Sheldon's family.  I'm planning on going on the youth trek with our Shelton ward and I have applied for a teaching job in the fall.  I am hoping to start working again and am looking forward to teaching.  I started my master's degree last year and I have been continuing to work on it.  I have been able to keep up with the program and I plan to continue it.

Yesterday I drove to the lake.  I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do that or not.  I bought nine white flowers, one for each year of our marriage, and I wrote down on nine white pieces of paper, my favorite nine days we had together.  I attached each one to a flower and spent time thinking about each of those days and what they meant to our family.  I put the flowers in the lake along with each attached note, to symbolize that I want the good memories of our life to be what I remember when I look at that lake.  We had a good life and we loved each other.  Those days are what I want to remember.  I will never forget what happened on my birthday and those terrible hours that followed.  Those hours are what changed my life here on earth and those were the most painful moments I have ever experienced.  The two weeks that followed were excruciating.  Sheldon and Jace were too young and we had so much life to live together. 

I have come to realize that nothing with change.  I will not get them back here on earth and the only change that will occur will be in me, how I choose to grieve, and how I live my life.  I want them to know how much I care and love for them, how I wish every day we were together, and how I am trying to live a life that they can smile about when they watch me.  Doing those things that I mentioned, these past four months, has not been easy.  This has been the hardest four months I have ever lived.  Some days I do spend all day in bed, and by the end of the day I can hardly stand myself.  I know I can’t live my life like that.  I draw so much strength from people and memories. I am so grateful that I have been surrounded by love and that I have been able to go back and remember our life together.  My experience at the lake yesterday was very difficult.  I cried and cried.  At the end of the day I felt a little better and I realized that I am on a different path now, one without them, and I have to find ways to feel joy again.  I have to find ways to live so that my grief does not overwhelm me and I am trying to do that.  I need to find reasons to smile again and I feel hope that I will.               

A day at a time

As I go throughout the day I often feel that painful tug in my heart when I remember something about my little family.  They were my entire world.  My days revolved around taking care of them and all of the aspects of being a mother and a wife.  I was thinking about how I made it through almost four months of this, and I know I have been carried by angels, heavenly and earthly ones.  Writing on this blog has really helped me.  This is a place where I can go and express my love for them and feel comfort and love from all of you who have reached out to me.  I am learning so much about others and the goodness that abounds in all of you.  Thank you for lifting me up with all the kind things you say and do. 

I have been trying to figure out who I really am through all of this, and I know that I am a child of God.  I know that I am and always will be Sheldon’s wife and Jace’s mother.  I know that I am a daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt, cousin and niece to so many who love me and I love them.  My family and Sheldon’s family are my support system.  I know that I have some of the best friends in the whole world.  Yesterday I was thinking about those relationships I have and how blessed I am to be surrounded by love.

I have also been thinking about how I am the only remaining member of our little family.  I remember thinking the past few months that our family unit is gone, that I am left here without them, and that I will eventually have to start a new life for myself.  That is very painful and sad.  When I was running the other day I realized that the memories I have and the person I became while I was a wife to Sheldon and a mother to Jace, are still there.  I am still that person.  I am struggling with my purpose and identity right now, and why I was left behind.  I am grateful for that realization, that they will always be part of who I am, and that will never be taken away.

I Miss You

Happy 4th of July Sheldon and Jace.  I wish I was celebrating with you today.  I love you.