Trying

I wanted to write down some of the things I have been doing the past four months so when I look back I can remember this time.  I’m not sure I even want to remember it, but eventually maybe I will.

 In April I moved in with my parents in Las Vegas.  I started going to the gym and signed up for the marathon in January.  I volunteered in my niece’s kindergarten classroom.  I went to women’s conference with my mom, aunt, and cousins and was able to visit the cemetery for the first time after the funeral.  Sheldon’s family came to visit me.  I started spending my time with my sister, Natalie, my friend, Heather, my cousins, my aunt and uncle, and my parents.  My parents took care of me.  I started going to the temple every week.  I got shingles and my body went through shock from everything that happened and from not eating or sleeping.    

In May I went with my sister, Natalie, to Oregon for a few days.  I was able to see Jace’s birthmom and spend time with her.  I went to Pacific University where they had a remembrance ceremony for alumni who had passed away this last semester.  I was able to be there to represent Sheldon and I was able to ring the bell in the old college hall in his memory.  I accidentally rang the bell twice, and I had to smile that the second time represented our little Jace.  Sheldon always talked about how he hoped Jace would become an optometrist.  I went to dinner with friends in Forest Grove and visited with them.  I started grief counseling.  I went to Salt Lake to visit the cemetery and spent time with Sheldon’s family.  I went to the Salt Lake temple with my dad and aunt.  My sister, Melanie, came to visit the last weekend in May.  I attended the temple in Las Vegas weekly.  I spent a lot of time running.  I went with my mom to a spa and we got massages.  We got pedicures twice during the four months too.

In June I went to the cemetery again for Jace’s 3^rd birthday.  Together, with family, we remembered Jace and his life.  We had a pirate piñata, ate his favorite McDonald’s meal, sent balloons up to Heaven with messages written on them, and ate chocolate cupcakes with green sprinkles.  I moved into my own condo during the middle of the month and was grateful to have all of our things out so I could look at them.  I went to San Diego with my parents and took my niece to Sea World.  I ran a 5k with my friend Heather.  I went to St. George with my mom and her friend and I was able to visit with my friends, Marie and Michelle. 

Right now I am in Shelton again.  This first week of July I flew into Portland.  I spent time with Jace’s birthmom again and I was able to meet her fiance.  I love her so much and I am so grateful for our relationship.  I am so happy for her upcoming wedding.  I am grateful she has invited me to attend.  She is like a sister to me.  We have so much love for one another and I am looking forward to continuing that relationship throughout our lives.  After I spent time with her, I spent some time with Sheldon’s best friend, Garrett, and enjoyed sharing memories of Sheldon and Jace.  I went to Forest Grove again and saw my friends.  I was able to see the inside of our house and remember so much about our life together.  I went to Long Beach in Washington and met up with my sister and her boyfriend.  We celebrated the 4^th of July together.  I enjoyed spending time with her and was tearful when I left.  I drove up to Olympia and met my friend, Megan, and her family for lunch.  I drove to Shelton.  I went to the lake and I was able to see the inside of our house there as well.  Last night, I met up with my friends.  We went out to dinner.  We shared some of our favorite memories together.  I was sad we only lived in Shelton for nine months and I didn’t get more time to spend with them.  I have plans this month to visit Utah again and see Sheldon's family.  I'm planning on going on the youth trek with our Shelton ward and I have applied for a teaching job in the fall.  I am hoping to start working again and am looking forward to teaching.  I started my master's degree last year and I have been continuing to work on it.  I have been able to keep up with the program and I plan to continue it.

Yesterday I drove to the lake.  I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do that or not.  I bought nine white flowers, one for each year of our marriage, and I wrote down on nine white pieces of paper, my favorite nine days we had together.  I attached each one to a flower and spent time thinking about each of those days and what they meant to our family.  I put the flowers in the lake along with each attached note, to symbolize that I want the good memories of our life to be what I remember when I look at that lake.  We had a good life and we loved each other.  Those days are what I want to remember.  I will never forget what happened on my birthday and those terrible hours that followed.  Those hours are what changed my life here on earth and those were the most painful moments I have ever experienced.  The two weeks that followed were excruciating.  Sheldon and Jace were too young and we had so much life to live together. 

I have come to realize that nothing with change.  I will not get them back here on earth and the only change that will occur will be in me, how I choose to grieve, and how I live my life.  I want them to know how much I care and love for them, how I wish every day we were together, and how I am trying to live a life that they can smile about when they watch me.  Doing those things that I mentioned, these past four months, has not been easy.  This has been the hardest four months I have ever lived.  Some days I do spend all day in bed, and by the end of the day I can hardly stand myself.  I know I can’t live my life like that.  I draw so much strength from people and memories. I am so grateful that I have been surrounded by love and that I have been able to go back and remember our life together.  My experience at the lake yesterday was very difficult.  I cried and cried.  At the end of the day I felt a little better and I realized that I am on a different path now, one without them, and I have to find ways to feel joy again.  I have to find ways to live so that my grief does not overwhelm me and I am trying to do that.  I need to find reasons to smile again and I feel hope that I will.