Six Months

(The last picture taken of our family on March 10, 2012)

Tomorrow it will be six months from the accident.  This weekend has been very difficult on me.  I keep replaying in my mind the last few days we had together.  Tonight I have been thinking about the last night I had with my family.  The last time I cooked dinner for them, the last time we said family prayers, and the last time I had to snuggle with my husband and son.  I miss them so much.  These past six months have been the hardest I have ever lived.  How do I live without them?  I ask myself that multiple times every day.  I really don't know how, and it is a struggle every day.  It hurts.  It is sad and I really don't want to live without them.  Yet, I have to.  I really have no choice.  Coming to terms with that has been difficult.  I loved my little family.  I knew my role and I loved it.  I loved taking care of them and making sure the house was clean and dinners were ready.  It really brought me a lot of happiness to make sure the house looked good for when Sheldon got home and that he knew how happy we were that he was home.  We had such a blessed life.  I realize the ten years I did live married to Sheldon were very happy and I do feel so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man.  I do feel so blessed that I was able to be a mother.  It was only for 33 months.  But I had those wonderful 33 months where I felt such happiness and such love for our little boy.  I remember playing trains with Jace.  He always picked the same four trains and always gave me the same trains to play with.  He had to have them in the correct order before he would push them along the track.  We had so much fun doing that together.  I remember reading books with him before bed.  I wish I was doing that with him now.  I wish I never had to experience them being gone.  I'm not quite sure why Heavenly Father had this in store for me, and I realize I might never understand.  But I do trust in God and that I can turn to him for comfort.  I have been finding great comfort in the song "Be Still, My Soul."  It was sung at both funerals and the words really do help me.  I am so thankful for a Savior who has made it possible for me to see them again.  I do believe I will hold them again and that one day all sorrow and grief will be gone.  Our family will be restored and I will have them again.  I will be looking forward to that day for the rest of my life on earth.  Six months seems too long to be apart.  I love you forever and ever Sheldon and Jace.

Be Still, My Soul

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Thank You & Goodbye

I have such great love for all of you.  I have cried reading the comments and emails from so many.  I have been so grateful for the opportunity to share my love for my little family.  I do believe in a Savior that has made it possible for life after death.  I am anxious for the day when I can hold them again.

I am saving all of your emails and comments so that I can let you know if and when I will start blogging again.  I honestly had no idea how many people were reading my blog.  I am not even sure how many people can be added to my list once I make this blog private.  But for now, I am going to focus on the 22 fifth graders that I will be meeting on Monday morning.  I have had a busy week getting my classroom prepared.  I think Sheldon and Jace would be proud of me.  I am trying very hard to put one foot in front of the other and continue on with this life that I am living now.  I am trying, and I want them to know that I love them so much.  I will continue on until I can see them again.  I have to.

With love and gratitude,

Julie

Last Post

I have decided that this will be my last post.  After this weekend I am going to set my blog to private and probably won't be posting again.  

I have been thinking about my new teaching job and I really think it's best to keep this blog private from my fifth graders.  There are a lot of raw emotions that I have shared and I don't want my students coming across this blog.

After they passed I really did not think I would ever write on this blog again.  After five months, I feel that I have said what I intended to.  I love my husband and son.  I believe that I will see them again.  I believe in Christ and that he has made it possible for us to return to our Heavenly Father again.  I will hold them again.  Thank you to all of you who have helped me so much.  Thank you for all the kind comments and helping me get through the day.  Thank you for the donations.  Thank you for your kindness and true Christ like love.

If I do decide to start blogging again, and you would like to view my blog in private mode, you can send me your email address to jaceandsheldon@gmail.com or leave it in the comment section.  I will be changing my blog to private this weekend.

-Julie            

Teaching Again

Today I did something hard.  I started working as a 5th grade teacher.  I woke up really early this morning thinking about starting my first day today.  I was wondering if I was strong enough to do that.  I got a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about having to do anything other than take care of Jace and being Sheldon's wife.  Everything feels different and usually before I am going to do something new without them, I get that sick feeling in my stomach.  I felt like that the first time I went to the movies without them, the first time I went out to eat without them, the first time I went grocery shopping for just myself.  Nothing feels normal.  In a way that is my new normal now, knowing that everything will feel hard for a long time and realizing that slowly I can do things again by myself.  Today was a good day at work.  I enjoyed my day, met a lot of great teachers, and when I came home I felt glad that I did something other than be sad.  I am going to have a class of fifth graders to devote all my time and energy to now.  I need to focus on living my life.  It's not the life I want, but I have to figure out how to live it, and I think taking this job is a good step towards doing that.  When I was driving home from work I was thinking about how I should have been driving home with Jace in the car after spending a day at the zoo or taking him to the park.  Realizing that I won't be doing that with him is very sad.  Realizing that I am no longer a stay at home mom married to a wonderful man is hard.  I know it's going to take a lot more days before it doesn't feel hard anymore.  I was just looking at some pictures of Jace and wanted to share some of my handsome little boy.  Sure miss and love you Sheldon and Jace.  

Missing Them

This picture was taken exactly a year ago today.  I wish we would have been able to laugh and play together today.  I'm trying to make it through each day, but my heart aches for you and your daddy.  I sure miss you sweet baby boy.

26.2

Marathon training is going great.  I have my friend Heather, sister Melanie, and sister-in-law Des, signed up to run with me.  We have all been running and it's really something that I enjoy so much.  It feels so good to run and get so many of my feelings out through exercise.  We are doing a 30 week training program and we are on week 7.  The last seven weeks I have ran around 70 miles.  Saturdays are our long runs and today was a 7.5 mile run.  I did a 5k in June, a 10k in July, and running a half marathon in September.  The marathon is in January.  Looking forward to running a lot more miles!

Love you Sheldon

Daddy lets me get dirty and have fun

Daddy takes me for walks outside

Daddy is a hard worker

Daddy plays with me

Daddy gets money for us

Daddy is always nice to mommy

Daddy takes good care of us

Mommy thinks daddy is cute

Daddy gives me hugs

Daddy is nice to me

Daddy jumps on the trampoline with me

Daddy teaches me things

Mommy & Jace love daddy

I was just looking at our pictures from 2012.  I was looking at our Valentine's Day pictures and Jace helped me to think of things that we love about Sheldon.  I wrote them down on hearts and we taped them onto our window.  Jace decorated a few hearts too.  Jace could hardly wait until Sheldon came home from work to show him what we had done.  I just wanted to record what Jace and I thought of together so that I can always remember.  I hope Sheldon can see this list too and know that I love him so much.  

Miss You Too

I love my little family so much.  I miss them every moment of every day.  I keep wondering why someone would have to endure having their entire family taken away.  I'm not sure I will ever have the answer to that question.  It hurts so much.  I had a wonderful decade with my husband, and such a happy and joyous time becoming a mother to our little Jace.  Sheldon worked as an optometrist at walmart and Jace and I used to go to walmart a lot.  We would stop by and say hi to Sheldon and Jace would always ask to go and see the fish.  We would go look at the goldfish and then I would run and push the shopping cart through the aisles.  Jace would laugh and tell me to go faster.  I always thought people were probably looking at me funny, because I was the optometrist's wife, and I was running through walmart with Jace in the cart.  Thinking of Jace laughing while I was doing that makes me smile.  Jace was my buddy and we did everything together.  I remember the last time we went to the park and how much fun we had together.  I played with him and I remember how I was thinking I would like to sit down and watch him, but I decided to play with him instead.  I am so glad I played with him that much and I can always have that memory of our last time at the park.  I really wish I could scoop him up and give him a big hug.  I could use one of those big hugs right now.  Whenever I was gone and I would come back, Jace would always say, "Miss you too Mommy."  He would snuggle me.  I miss those snuggles so much.  There are still milk stains from Jace's sippy cup leaking on the seat in my car.  I just don't think I can ever clean that off.  Jace would always poke his fork into the dining room table and Sheldon would always tell him not to do that.  I am so grateful for those little fork marks on the table.  I love them.  It reminds me of happy times.  Those little things that might have seemed irritating at the time are some of the things I treasure the most.  It's proof to me that our life was real.

I was looking at our first and our last family pictures.  Sheldon and I really grew up together and learned a lot about life along the way.  We learned to deal with infertility and all the aspects that go along with it.  We became closer as a couple and grew stronger through that trial.  We loved our little boy and being his parents.  Sometimes when I see people getting upset at their kids I wish they could feel for a brief moment what I feel, and how all those little things that are so difficult don't really matter all that much.  I wish in ten years from now I could see another family picture and how we had all changed.  I am grieving so much for the life we didn't get to live, but my heart is so full of gratitude for the life that we did live, and it was a good life.  "Miss you too Sheldon and Jace."            

Adjusting

I have a lot to adjust to.  I am still a wife and a mother, but not in the same way.  Last night I was thinking that eventually I will have to adjust to this new life I am living.  Most of the time I feel like I am just trudging through it, hour by hour sometimes counting down until I can go to sleep and be done with that day.  Some days there are moments when I feel like my heart can't bear it anymore.  I pray to Heavenly Father to help me get through those moment of pain and sadness.  I really don't know how I will ever adjust, and yet I have in some ways.  I have lived four months without them.  I have gotten through some of the most painful moments that most people should not have to live through.  I kissed them one last time.  I took so much time putting on Jace's white shoes for his burial clothes, and sobbed when I tied the laces, because I knew that would be the last time I would ever do that.  I planned a beautiful memorial for them.  I lived through such intense moments that I am surprised I endured.

Adjusting is hard.  I was expecting a different life.  I was not expecting this new life.  I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my life is different now.  I have put all of my trust in God.  I have to.  I pray that my life can become more than my limited view can see right now.  I pray that I can adjust, become more refined, and move forward with a stronger and firmer testimony of His gospel.  I have daily struggles and lots of sadness but I do have hope.  I do have faith in God's plan for my life.  I have and will continue to trust in His path for me.

We went to the cemetery again and this time I felt a peaceful feeling.  We went into the office and the lady at the desk told me that people have been coming in asking for help to find their headstones.  I was so grateful that people I don't even know are visiting them and paying their respects.  Thank you.  I have received so many emails and comments from people from many different places.  Thank you for reaching out to me.  I have learned so much about the goodness of others.  I have had my eyes open to others who are struggling like me, and my heart reaches out to you.  We all have trials.  I am humbled that people would come to me with their trials and that we can talk and share what we are learning.  I really feel so much love for all of you.  I am so grateful for this blog.  Thank you for mourning with me, thank you for comforting me, and thank you for sharing such kindness.      

Sheldon

I really love this picture of Sheldon.  I think he looks so handsome.  I feel that I have fallen even more deeply in love with Sheldon since he has been gone.  I have become more appreciative of the man he was, and the safety and security of being married to him.  He was such an upbeat guy and life just couldn't get him down.  He always felt like things would get better and he was always working hard to make it that way.  He accomplished so much in his life and he made me feel so good.  He loved me and he needed me.  I felt so secure in our marriage and so happy to be his wife.  We each had our parts that we added to the marriage, and we never did try to see who was doing more or if it was equal.  I think we really fit very well in that regard.  We did have our ups and downs, but our marriage was happy.    


I miss him so much.  We have been part of each other's lives for ten years.  We changed so much from our early twenties into our thirties.  I was looking forward to living more life together.  I thought we would be old and watch Jace grow up and become a man before we had to say goodbye.  I'm not ready for that goodbye.  It hurts too much.  Sheldon always gave me an anniversary card each year and I just recently went back and read them all again.  I saved every one of them.  He wrote in one card that when he wasn't with me he was always wishing we were together.  I know we are both wishing that same thing.  He was the love of my life and I am so blessed for the ten years we did have together.  He always made me laugh and that was one of the things I loved the most about him.  He was kind, he was sincere, he overlooked my faults, and he made me so happy.  Sheldon was a great dad.  I loved watching him with Jace.  When Sheldon was home, it was always the three of us spending time together and I am happy it was that way.  I like thinking of Sheldon leading us in family prayer and scripture study and us saying goodnight giving hugs and kisses.  Those are some of my most cherished moments together.  


I love you Sheldon.  Give Jace a hug and a kiss from his mommy.             

My little family

Today I went to the cemetery and saw that the headstones had been put in place.  I kept it together pretty good at the cemetery.  I felt comforted that the stones look so beautiful and represent how I feel about them.  I do feel peace and comfort knowing that my final resting place will be next to my husband and son.  Looking at Jace's headstone has been very difficult.  He was our little miracle.  He was given to us through the miracle of adoption.  We cherished being his parents.  We loved him so much.  Having him as our son was such a gift from Heavenly Father and having him taken away from me feels like more heartache than any person should ever have to endure.   I feel so much gratitude for being able to be his mother and I hope that those feelings can help me on days like today, when it hurts so much.        

Utah

I have been in Utah for almost a week.  I've been enjoying being with Sheldon's family and sharing lots of memories with them.  Last weekend we went camping with his mom and step-dad and all of Sheldon's siblings.  I love them all so much and I am so grateful for them.  We all missed Sheldon and Jace so much.  I would have loved to have them next to me.  I know Jace would have loved the salamanders we found and the crawfish we caught.  I could just imagine how much he would have loved sleeping in a tent, since he would have probably forgot from last summer.  I was able to watch all of his cousins have fun together and Jace would have been so happy to be there with them.  Watching all of Sheldon's siblings together made me so sad to know that Sheldon was not there with them.  He loved his brothers and sisters and was always talking about them and what they were up to.  Him and his older brother Lance would have been teasing Mathew, their little brother, and playing jokes the whole time.  Sheldon would have loved being on that camp out.

This week I have been in Utah spending more time with Sheldon's family.  I have felt very close to Sheldon this week.  I am so grateful that the cemetery is close to where they live so that when I come I can visit them and visit Sheldon's family too.  His family is very much a part of me and who I am.  Yesterday we went to visit Sheldon's Mor Mor (that's Danish for Grandma) and it was so nice to see her.  She forgets a lot of things and goes in and out of remembering who people are.  During our visit she would remember Sheldon and she knew that he had passed.  She did not remember Jace.  She had only seen him a few times.  She said she knew I was sad because I missed Sheldon.  She said her time was coming soon when she would be with her husband again.  She's been waiting a long time for that reunion.  She lived that time without her husband, with charity and love for those around her.  We spent many Sundays at her house when she would serve us dinner.  She called Sheldon her little skat (that's sweetheart in Danish) and would always tell him how proud she was of him.  She would never get mad at Sheldon for sneaking food before the prayer and in her eyes Sheldon could do no wrong.  I am here until the end of the week.  On Saturday I'm running a 10k with my friend Heather.  Two of my sisters-in-law are running the 5k.  Saturday night we are going to light some fireworks for Pioneer Day in honor of Sheldon.  He loved fireworks and always got so excited about them.  I'm looking forward to that and I'm glad I'm here having these experiences with his family.  I think Sheldon is too.

Faith, Hope, & Charity

Four months ago I lost my husband and my son.  Most days it feels like it just happened and everything in between is a blur.  I remember our last few days together so clearly.  I keep replaying them in my mind.  Some days I feel strong and some days I feel very weak.  Some days I feel comfort and some days I am inconsolable.  I cry off and on all day even on my strong days.  I keep wondering how I can endure this?


I finished the Book of Mormon in June.  I have been reading every night from Sheldon's scriptures and every time I do I remember reading them together.  We tried to read every night and Jace and I would listen while Sheldon read to us.  I would read the same chapters by myself when Jace was napping.  Lately I have just been turning to random chapters and reading.  I have been amazed how I turn to a scripture that I need to hear the most that day.  I have especially been enjoying reading from Moroni.  In Moroni chapter 7 it talks about faith, hope, and charity.  Those fundamental principles are something I cleave to.   


33 “And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.”


41 “And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.”


47 "But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him."

48 "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen."  

Some days my faith is so strong.  Some days my faith is so weak.  I wonder how I will make it through this.  I wonder how I can keep living when the pain is so deep.  I know that it is through my Savior.  I do have faith in Him.  I do believe that there is life after death.  I do believe that I will hold Sheldon and Jace again.  I do believe that we are accountable for how we live our lives.  I do believe that it is through the Savior and his atonement and resurrection that we can one day return to live with our Father in Heaven again and live with our families forever.  That is something that I am looking forward to everyday.  I have been shown charity over and over again.  I have seen pure Christ-like love in action.  I am trying to show that love to others.  I will continue trying throughout my life to develop those attributes.  I know that I can return to my family and I will live my life to make sure I can.  That is how I will endure this.  

I love you Sheldon and Jace.    

    

My Role

Mommy is missing you so much today.   

These pictures were taken when Jace was seven months old.  Looking at our photos has helped me today.  They are proof of what I used to do.  Some days I feel so fragile and today is one of those days.  I remember everything about being a mom and wife and those characteristics are still very much a part of me.  Sleeping has been such a hard thing to get used to.  Jace was still getting up one time in the night, almost every night, and he would try to come into our bed to sleep.  We would either let him or one of us would take him back to his room until he fell asleep.  He would get up everyday without fail at seven in the morning.  I still am waking up in the middle of the night and I was waking up right at seven for such a long time.  I still rarely sleep past seven.  The first few months after they passed, I would wake up in the middle of the night and for a second I would forget and think that Jace had woken me up or that he was crying and needed me.  Then the sick feeling would come back and I would remember what happened.  Sleeping and waking up and remembering have been very hard.  I miss them both so much.  I am not supposed to be sleeping alone.  I should have my family surrounding me.  I should be a wife and a mother.  I should be taking care of them and watching Jace grow older.  I should be supporting Sheldon as his wife.  I should be making dinner for them.  I have only cooked one meal in the past four months.  I just don't know if I can do that just for me.  It takes me almost two weeks to have enough laundry to run a load.  My house is always clean and there are no messes.  It leaves me empty inside that there is no laundry to do, no toys or dirty clothes to pick up, no boys waiting for meals, and no more embraces and kisses.  I really need them and I have to figure out how to live without them.  That is something that I am trying to figure out every day and I think it will take many more before I do.

Trying

I wanted to write down some of the things I have been doing the past four months so when I look back I can remember this time.  I’m not sure I even want to remember it, but eventually maybe I will.

 In April I moved in with my parents in Las Vegas.  I started going to the gym and signed up for the marathon in January.  I volunteered in my niece’s kindergarten classroom.  I went to women’s conference with my mom, aunt, and cousins and was able to visit the cemetery for the first time after the funeral.  Sheldon’s family came to visit me.  I started spending my time with my sister, Natalie, my friend, Heather, my cousins, my aunt and uncle, and my parents.  My parents took care of me.  I started going to the temple every week.  I got shingles and my body went through shock from everything that happened and from not eating or sleeping.    

In May I went with my sister, Natalie, to Oregon for a few days.  I was able to see Jace’s birthmom and spend time with her.  I went to Pacific University where they had a remembrance ceremony for alumni who had passed away this last semester.  I was able to be there to represent Sheldon and I was able to ring the bell in the old college hall in his memory.  I accidentally rang the bell twice, and I had to smile that the second time represented our little Jace.  Sheldon always talked about how he hoped Jace would become an optometrist.  I went to dinner with friends in Forest Grove and visited with them.  I started grief counseling.  I went to Salt Lake to visit the cemetery and spent time with Sheldon’s family.  I went to the Salt Lake temple with my dad and aunt.  My sister, Melanie, came to visit the last weekend in May.  I attended the temple in Las Vegas weekly.  I spent a lot of time running.  I went with my mom to a spa and we got massages.  We got pedicures twice during the four months too.

In June I went to the cemetery again for Jace’s 3^rd birthday.  Together, with family, we remembered Jace and his life.  We had a pirate piñata, ate his favorite McDonald’s meal, sent balloons up to Heaven with messages written on them, and ate chocolate cupcakes with green sprinkles.  I moved into my own condo during the middle of the month and was grateful to have all of our things out so I could look at them.  I went to San Diego with my parents and took my niece to Sea World.  I ran a 5k with my friend Heather.  I went to St. George with my mom and her friend and I was able to visit with my friends, Marie and Michelle. 

Right now I am in Shelton again.  This first week of July I flew into Portland.  I spent time with Jace’s birthmom again and I was able to meet her fiance.  I love her so much and I am so grateful for our relationship.  I am so happy for her upcoming wedding.  I am grateful she has invited me to attend.  She is like a sister to me.  We have so much love for one another and I am looking forward to continuing that relationship throughout our lives.  After I spent time with her, I spent some time with Sheldon’s best friend, Garrett, and enjoyed sharing memories of Sheldon and Jace.  I went to Forest Grove again and saw my friends.  I was able to see the inside of our house and remember so much about our life together.  I went to Long Beach in Washington and met up with my sister and her boyfriend.  We celebrated the 4^th of July together.  I enjoyed spending time with her and was tearful when I left.  I drove up to Olympia and met my friend, Megan, and her family for lunch.  I drove to Shelton.  I went to the lake and I was able to see the inside of our house there as well.  Last night, I met up with my friends.  We went out to dinner.  We shared some of our favorite memories together.  I was sad we only lived in Shelton for nine months and I didn’t get more time to spend with them.  I have plans this month to visit Utah again and see Sheldon's family.  I'm planning on going on the youth trek with our Shelton ward and I have applied for a teaching job in the fall.  I am hoping to start working again and am looking forward to teaching.  I started my master's degree last year and I have been continuing to work on it.  I have been able to keep up with the program and I plan to continue it.

Yesterday I drove to the lake.  I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do that or not.  I bought nine white flowers, one for each year of our marriage, and I wrote down on nine white pieces of paper, my favorite nine days we had together.  I attached each one to a flower and spent time thinking about each of those days and what they meant to our family.  I put the flowers in the lake along with each attached note, to symbolize that I want the good memories of our life to be what I remember when I look at that lake.  We had a good life and we loved each other.  Those days are what I want to remember.  I will never forget what happened on my birthday and those terrible hours that followed.  Those hours are what changed my life here on earth and those were the most painful moments I have ever experienced.  The two weeks that followed were excruciating.  Sheldon and Jace were too young and we had so much life to live together. 

I have come to realize that nothing with change.  I will not get them back here on earth and the only change that will occur will be in me, how I choose to grieve, and how I live my life.  I want them to know how much I care and love for them, how I wish every day we were together, and how I am trying to live a life that they can smile about when they watch me.  Doing those things that I mentioned, these past four months, has not been easy.  This has been the hardest four months I have ever lived.  Some days I do spend all day in bed, and by the end of the day I can hardly stand myself.  I know I can’t live my life like that.  I draw so much strength from people and memories. I am so grateful that I have been surrounded by love and that I have been able to go back and remember our life together.  My experience at the lake yesterday was very difficult.  I cried and cried.  At the end of the day I felt a little better and I realized that I am on a different path now, one without them, and I have to find ways to feel joy again.  I have to find ways to live so that my grief does not overwhelm me and I am trying to do that.  I need to find reasons to smile again and I feel hope that I will.