Nine Months Ago

Nine months ago I was with Jace.  Sheldon had already left for the gym and then was headed to work.  We were planning on going to our church party that night for dinner.  Sheldon had planned a fun overnighter the next night to the Great Wolf Lodge for my birthday.  We were going to spend all day Monday at the hotel and playing at the water park.  Jace and I had cupcakes after breakfast that morning, my birthday.  I had made chocolate cupcakes the night before and Jace was begging for them the next morning.  I thought we shouldn't at first, but then I decided that since it was my birthday we should eat some together.  We sat and ate chocolate cupcakes with green sprinkles together after breakfast.  It was a sunny day and I was looking forward to all the birthday celebrations Sheldon had planned for me.  I remember when I put Jace down for nap, I laid down with him in his new "big boy" bed until he fell asleep.  I think I might have fallen asleep for about 20 minutes too.  I remember how he looked laying in that big bed with his Angry Bird sheets.  I remember looking at him with so much love and joy.  I miss my little baby boy so much.  I used to ask him if he was a "big boy" or a "baby" and most of the time he would say he was "mommy's baby."  I remember what it feels like to carry him and how empty my arms feel now.  I remember when Sheldon came home and he gave me a hug and a kiss to wish me a Happy Birthday.  I remember eating chips and guacamole with him and him talking about how he wanted to start training for another marathon and I was talking to Sheldon about starting to plan our vacation to Disney World.  I didn't realize those would be our last hours together.

It has been nine months.  I have slowly felt the haze around me start to lift a little bit at a time.  Yesterday I realized that there was actually a light in my closet.  I have been living in my new condo for six months and that was the first time I noticed that.  I haven't really noticed anything really, other than my own sadness and trying to come to terms with what happened.  So many people have done so much for me and my heart is so full of gratitude.  I wish that I could in some small way repay that.  I realize that is something I will do as I live the rest of this life and try to help others who are grieving their loved ones.

Grief is very tough, probably the toughest thing I can ever imagine.  It hurts, it's very raw, and it doesn't go away.  There are constant reminders all around me of them.  I finally realized I am glad that I feel that way, because it keeps me connected to them.  Earlier this month, Jace would have turned 3 1/2.  That was tough. Thinking about missing his third birthday and then six months past that, that is too long not to have my son.  I've ached and longed to join them, but I realize that is not my decision to make.  I am realizing that maybe it is time to start building a new life, a life where I can smile and have new hopes.  A life that involves me getting to love someone again and not being alone.  I hate being alone.  It feels good for a moment when I am overwhelmed with sadness and then after that I realize that I don't want to live like this.  I hope I won't.

Next month I am running the Disney World Marathon in honor of Sheldon and Jace.  I am happy to remember my family and do something that means so much.

I love you Sheldon and Jace